The Secret To Creating Vibrant Well-Being (Part 1)

I am so looking forward to today’s episode because I’m doing something that I don’t often do and that’s have a guest. And today’s guest is very special because I’ve had the absolute honor of working alongside her for three years. And before that, she was actually a member of the School of Self-Image and now she is our Community Director. So help me welcome Laura Hinton to the show. Welcome to the School of Self-Image, where our motto is simple, elevate your self-image, elevate your life. I’m Tonya Leigh, your hostess, and I’ll guide you to become the woman who doesn’t just dream bigger. She lives bigger. Let’s dive in.

Redefining Vibrant Well-Being

Tonya Leigh:

Laura, I’m so excited that you’re here today to talk about a topic that I think we’re both passionate about, which is vibrant well-being. So welcome to the show.

Laura Hinton:

Thank you so much for having me.

Tonya Leigh:

You are so welcome. Let’s talk about it. You ready?

Laura Hinton:

All right. Always.

Tonya Leigh:

Ready to dive in. What does vibrant well-being mean to you?

Laura Hinton:

Oh my gosh. Well, I think vibrant well-being has taken on a totally different tone for me this year. And I will say before starting off this year, vibrant well-being to me always had to do with the physical side of things. Right. It was more of the weight aspect of it, the exercise aspect. And the missing piece of the puzzle for me that I have taken on this year is more of the intangible part. And that is the pleasure, the joy, the vibrancy, the energy, bringing it back to something that we can’t always see and isn’t so obvious, but for me has been the missing part of the puzzle.

The Missing Piece: Emotional Vibrancy

Tonya Leigh:

How did you know it was missing?

Laura Hinton:

I was sad. Sad.

Tonya Leigh:

That’s a good clue.

Laura Hinton:

All the time. And I, granted, had a pretty difficult year in the last year with a lot of grief and loss. And through that process, it was like, I know there’s nothing magical about January 1st and it doesn’t erase things that have happened, but for me, it was a great decision point to just be like, “That was a year. This is a new one. What do we want to focus on? How do we want to approach this year and bring about an aspect of life that you’ve really been missing?” And so it was like, “Okay, Jan one, we’re starting fresh, we’re starting clean, and we are looking for some vibrancy in a way that you’ve never experienced before.”

Tonya Leigh:

And you know what’s interesting is it’s been, what is it now? March, end of March?

Laura Hinton:

Yep.

Letting Go of Overachievement Identity

Tonya Leigh:

And I have seen your energy shift over the last three months. It’s been crazy to see just how light you feel. And so what do you think was weighing you down?

Laura Hinton:

Yeah. I mean, so many things. I think the way that I was always raised was in a very overing type of mentality where it’s like we need to overachieve, over succeed, push, push, push, always be winning, always be striving for something more, be a perfectionist, make it the best it can be. Just a lot of heavy energy that… I mean, we talk about this in the membership, but about success strategies. It was like being an overer, being a very all in all the time type of person, somebody who’s very competitive, very striving, got me to where I am today, right? It made me who I am. It has built the life that I live today, which I’m very grateful for.

And I’m ready to be moving on into a new chapter, right? It’s like this has built the foundation of my life, yes. And again, starting this year, it’s like time to turn a new page into not taking everything so seriously, not being so bothered by any little thing that might be off kilter and just learning to decide what’s really important in my life moving forward, finding new areas of focus, new ways of just bringing about a vibrancy to my life that has felt very full of heaviness, and urgency, and perfectionism and all these kinds of things. It’s like, “It’s time to let go of some of that.”

Tonya Leigh:

Has that been hard?

Laura Hinton:

I mean, in some ways, yes, and in some ways, no. I think I’ve surprised myself at how easily it has felt. Like I feel very ready to let the things go, I think is what I’m saying is like, I think sometimes you get to a point where you’re just like, “This is enough. We have been doing it this way for long enough.” And I just felt so ready to bring in a new way of experiencing my life. And so I think I’ve surprised myself a bit in terms of just how easy it has been to let go of some of the things and make some changes and surprised also at what an impact it’s also made. I’m like, “Oh, we didn’t even have to change that much, but we are living a whole new life.”

The Habit of Complaining

Tonya Leigh:

What’s changed?

Laura Hinton:

Oh my gosh. Well, first and foremost, we had a conversation here the last time I was visiting and you had essentially asked, “What’s your happiness scale on a one to ten rating?” And I think I said, “Oh, probably a seven or an eight.” And you were like, “Well, what would need to change? What needs to be different?” And for me, it’s the emotions of being frustrated and annoyed, which boils down to a very strong habit of complaining, right? It’s like complaining and making mountains out of molehills could have been my default operating mode for most of my life, truly. And it’s like nitpicking the fine details of things, finding fault. It’s like, again, you’re raised in that very overachiever perfectionistic kind of way. It’s like, “Oh, we can find something to complain about out of something that most people would think is absolutely perfect. There’s nothing wrong here.”

Tonya Leigh:

But to your credit, as you said it earlier, it was a part of your success strategy.

Laura Hinton:

Absolutely.

Tonya Leigh:

Paying attention to those fine details and being annoyed, making sure things got done, being so on top of everything and almost that perfectionistic attitude, it got you to where you were until you woke up one day and you’re like, “I am miserable. I can’t live like this anymore.”

Laura Hinton:

Yeah, absolutely. It’s like one of those sneaky unserving behaviors where from an outsider’s perspective, people will be like, “Oh, these are great qualities. This is who I want to be. Somebody who can have attention to detail and really be careful and concerned about all of the things.” And it does serve you in so many ways and then it doesn’t, right? And I think to see, it’s like I love where those qualities have gotten me. And again, it feels like a new chapter where it’s like, “Okay, that is who you have been essentially your whole life and there’s so much life ahead of you. Is this still who you want to be moving into this chapter?” And for me, I was like, “I think I’ve had enough of operating in that mode.” I think there’s helpful pieces that of course are going to stay with me.

Tonya Leigh:

Well, I hope you still pay attention to details for my sake.

Laura Hinton:

Yeah. Always.

Tonya Leigh:

Just not be annoyed when they aren’t up to your standard.

Laura Hinton:

Exactly. It’s like it serves you to a point and then it topples over the other side to where now you’re not someone who’s a detail oriented person. It’s like you’re a giant jerk to people who can’t get every little detail right.

Tonya Leigh:

Yeah.

Laura Hinton:

Right? And so yeah, I think it’s just having an appreciation for where these personality traits have gotten me and being able to decide this is the level of which I would like to continue and this is the hole that I see. This is like a part of the picture that needs to come into clarity and be developed to create a truly rich and well-rounded life.

Tonya Leigh:

Yeah. So the name of this episode is “The Secret to Vibrant Well-Being”. And what I heard you say, one of the things that you must give up to have vibrancy is the complaining. And ladies, pay attention to how often you complain, because a lot of times it’s not the outward complaints. It’s the complaining that we do in our own minds. It’s like, “I hate my thighs. I hate this. Oh my God, it’s another hard day.” It’s like these subtle complaints that just weigh you down. They take away your energy. And when I think of vibrant well-being, I think of energy. And so if you’re complaining all day, every day, it is debilitating and you don’t even realize it because it’s a habit.

Laura Hinton:

Right. Oh, yeah. You have no idea. It’s so easy to overlook. It’s like, oh, these are just the facts when in fact we know-

Tonya Leigh:

Is it?

Laura Hinton:

It’s rarely a fact. It’s mostly just the stories that we tell ourselves. And it is so easy to feel like, yeah, you’re just reporting the news. This is annoying. This is frustrating. I hate how this person’s doing this thing. This shouldn’t be happening to me. It should be a different way. This needs to be better. We need to work harder on this. This needs to get done faster. And those all just feel like ways of living.

Tonya Leigh:

Yeah.

Laura Hinton:

And then you realize that constantly telling yourself those things, having that type of inner dialogue with yourself and the people around you can be extremely exhausting, right? And I think one of the most important things that you teach is what we focus on grows, right? What you are looking for, you will find. And we have this option of setting our brain’s filter to ignore the things that we want to ignore and overlook and find the things that we think are going to prove our stories true and to serve us. And so for me, it’s like once you get into this habit of looking for every little thing that might need an improvement, might need to be better, it’s like you see it everywhere.

Tonya Leigh:

Yeah.

Laura Hinton:

And that’s an exhausting process. And so in complaining, you think you’re just telling yourself the news when really you’ve just turned your brain’s filter to find fault in everything, to find something that isn’t right, something that could be better, something that probably needs to be improved immediately. And you can retrain that filter, which is what I’m finding now.

Rewiring Focus: From Fault to Awe

Tonya Leigh:

Yeah, because what’s your word of the year?

Laura Hinton:

My word of the year is awe. And it was a word that felt like it would be challenging in the best way because I think my normal default is it’s very easy to find gratitude. It’s like I can find gratitude fairly easily, but what I noticed is that’s a entry level point into the life I really want to have. Grateful is step one. And there’s this whole other level of just being in complete awe with yourself, with your life, with the people that you’re spending your time with. There’s a level of just being astonished by the person you’re being, by the life that you’re choosing to live, to be in complete wonder and awe is just like a level of which I don’t think I’ve ever experienced in my life. And so that change, that shift from just being like, “Yeah, I can find things to be appreciative for and be grateful for and be happy with.” But elevating it to such a degree where you’re in awe of yourself and your life, that felt like where I wanted to take my life.

Tonya Leigh:

No, awe is such a beautiful word. And I think you said something really powerful. We do train our brains what to look for. And if every day you are waking up and you’re looking for what’s wrong, you’re looking for what needs improvement, what could go wrong, our reticular activating system, that part of our brain that sifts through all the data to present to us what we’re looking for, that is all you will see. But a word like awe, it requires you to look for things that, it’s available, but you haven’t trained your brain to see it. And so now you’re asking your brain to do something that it’s not used to doing, but I think that’s the fun of it, right? It’s the challenge of like, what can I notice today in my life that is astonishing? What have you noticed recently? I’m curious.

Laura Hinton:

Well, one realization I had, which is going to seem so simple, but blew my own mind when I finally clicked onto it, was like, I’ve built an incredible life and I have an amazing experience right in front of me and yet I wasn’t paying attention to it in the way that I could have been, right? I think so often you look at your life and you’re like, “There’s so many things I need to change. I need to change this. I need to change this. I need to elevate this. I need to be different here. I need to immediately revolutionize everything.” And I’ve been there. That was my starting point back 2017, let’s say. And I’ve done so much work since then to create the life that I have now, to become the woman that I am today. And I just wasn’t celebrating it enough. I wasn’t really appreciating everything that I’d already created.

And I think there’s this, it’s like, “Oh, I need to radically change all of my actions and do all these new things.” It’s like, “I think I just need to realize how good my life is already.” I don’t think this year is going to be about doing and action, action, action. It’s about actually taking the foot off of the gas and just loving what already is.

Tonya Leigh:

I can imagine though that there are some women listening to this thinking, “Oh, well, that sounds lovely for you, Laura, but I’m afraid to take my foot off the gas. I’m afraid of what’s going to happen if I’m not always efforting, if I’m not always making it happen, I’m not taking the action. I don’t have the big goals.” What would you say to her?

Laura Hinton:

I get it. I mean, that’s exactly what I have always contended with, I think, is like, “Oh, if I don’t create a monumental goal, then I’m probably just going to sit around and do nothing.” And-

Tonya Leigh:

And what if you did?

Laura Hinton:

What if I did?

Tonya Leigh:

Yeah.

Redefining Growth: Gas vs. Brake

Laura Hinton:

Yeah. I mean, it’s fascinating. I think I don’t remember where I heard this or maybe a coach of mine had explained this, but it was like, “At any point in time, it’s really important to understand if your growth is to put your foot on the gas and get into action, start doing some things, or if your growth is in putting the foot on the brake.” And for me, it’s like I have never had problem putting my foot on the gas. We’ve been go, go, going for years and years. So for me, it’s like acknowledging, no, actually the growth that you have, the elevation for this new chapter is to trust that you can put your foot on the brake. Nothing is going to go wrong. You’re not going to become a slob person who doesn’t care about anything. It’s like, oh, it’s just a challenge to approach your day in a totally different attitude and a totally different energy than you would normally.

Tonya Leigh:

You’re just making me think about so many things right now. I’m asking myself what season I’m in. Is it foot on the gas or foot on the brake? And I just had this vision of me and a convertible with you all, my team, my team’s here, like around me and we are flying and laughing and having the time of our lives. So I think there’s this world in which you can be putting your foot on the gas, but are you having fun doing it?

Laura Hinton:

Yeah.

Tonya Leigh:

Are you enjoying the process? I think so many ambitious women are used to associating foot on the gas with misery, and stress, and pressure. And I think there’s another conversation to be had where sometimes, yeah, you do need to put your foot on the brake because you’ve been going for a long time, but there is this other possibility of putting your foot on the gas and doing it in such a vibrant and fun way. And I feel like that’s where I am in my journey right now. So it’s going to be interesting, the two of us this year, me foot on the gas and you’ve got a foot on the brake, what’s going to happen?

Laura Hinton:

Yeah, usually it’s like-

Tonya Leigh:

But sometimes that’s good. That’s what people need. Sometimes you need people around you that’s like, “Hey, we need to slow down right now.”

Laura Hinton:

Yeah, well-

Tonya Leigh:

And I’m not used to that being you.

Laura Hinton:

Right.

Tonya Leigh:

So this is going to be fun.

Laura Hinton:

But I think it’s exactly what you said, right, is like I’ve again tended to always be the all or nothing type of personality, right? It’s like either we’re going hard or we’re doing none of it, right? Our running joke is like, I will either be overworking myself or I’m going to sell all my belongings, say goodbye to everybody and move to a forested off the grid retreat area, right? It’s like my brain only wants to do one extreme or the other. And so I think that is a lot of what this work is for me this year is, yeah, you have to find the balance and understanding it’s possible to be still living a life, doing lots of things, but doing it through the lens of joy versus the lens of, I mean, who knows what else, right?

Tonya Leigh:

Yeah.

Laura Hinton:

So I think I brought this up in the membership the other day where I had this realization that I had a belief that true, absolute pleasure and freedom and fun can only be found in retirement. It was this realization of like, oh, you’re seeing work as a barrier to the pinnacle of pleasure and joy in your life. It’s something that you will only get when you’ve retired. That true vibrancy is only going to be when you are working no longer. And so that didn’t work for me because I was like, “I would like to still do this job. I would still like to be working.”

Tonya Leigh:

We need a different plan.

Laura Hinton:

So those two thoughts were not going to work together. And so it was really about challenging myself and seeing, okay, well, how can we still do this job, do this work and live the most pleasurable, fun, joy-filled life, right? It’s like the two must be able to coexist. And I know it’s true because I know you. And I’m like, “I have the perfect example and role model right in front of me that shows it’s possible to live your best life and have your foot on the gas and build a business and do amazing things.” And so that’s been a big part of my exploration this year, is how can I make all of the elements of my current life more joyful? Again, letting go of the complaint side of things and adding in the joyful perspective, resetting that filter and calibration to see what’s amazing and joyful about doing X, Y, Z today, and then filling in some of the gaps and holes with new hobbies, new things that I take pleasure and joy from, but lost somewhere along the way.

Next Episode: Turning Insight Into Practice

Tonya Leigh:

Oh my God, I feel like we need another conversation. I think we, I’d love to stop right here because now I have so many more questions, but I want to wrap this up by saying two things. Number one, when we talk about the secret to vibrant well-being, I think it’s so important to honor how complaining affects your energy. It is depleting. And then the other thing, you just mentioned something, and I think this is so important, your brain will always seek to answer the questions that you have. So if you have two opposing thoughts, you are going to have so much what I call split energy, like I can only be happy when I retire or I could be miserable in a job. So there’s no happiness because you haven’t given your brain an opportunity to figure it out. However, when you said, “How can I have so much joy and pleasure while I’m working?” Now your brain has to go out there and start finding answers for that question. And so I want to talk about what that’s looking like for you. So will you stick around?

Laura Hinton:

Absolutely.

Tonya Leigh:

All right, let’s do it. I would love it if you also stick around for this conversation where we’re going to be talking about the actual practice of vibrant well-being, what it looks like in Laura’s life, what it looks like in my life, and how we are practicing it within the membership, because actually next month we are dedicating the entire month to the vibrant well-being framework. And so if this is something that you want to dive further into, come and join us. You can go to schoolofselfimage.com/join, and I’ll see you in the next episode.