The Secret To Creating Vibrant Well-Being (Part 2)

I am so looking forward to today’s episode because I’m doing something that I don’t often do, and that’s have a guest. Today’s guest is very special because I’ve had the absolute honor of working alongside her for three years. And before that, she was actually a member of the School of Self-Image, and now she is our Community Director, so help me welcome Laura Hinton to the show.

Welcome to the School of Self Image, where our motto is simple: elevate your self-image, elevate your life. I’m Tonya Leigh, your hostess, and I’ll guide you to become the woman who doesn’t just dream bigger. She lives bigger. Let’s dive in.

The Hidden Habit of Complaining

Tonya Leigh:

Welcome back to the podcast. I am continuing my conversation with Laura Hinton, who is our Community Director for the School of Self-Image, where we are talking about vibrant wellbeing. More importantly, the secret to it. Last week, Laura shared that one of the things that was really taken away from her vibrancy was complaining, and this is something I wanted to dive into a little bit more because we’ve all heard you should complain less, but actually doing it is a totally different ballgame. And so I was hoping that you could share some of your tips and secrets and things that you have discovered in this desire to live complaint-free.

Laura Hinton:

Absolutely. I mean, first and foremost, you’re right. It’s not easy. And often you don’t even realize you’re doing it. You think you’re just sharing a story.

Tonya Leigh:

Yeah.

Rewiring Daily Reflection

Laura Hinton:

And when you start paying attention, it’s like, oh no, I can see the patterns here. I can see where this is directly affecting the experience of my day. One thing I started doing that has radically changed my approach to every day is at the end of the day, both Dan and I, Dan is my husband. We work from home and so we see each other throughout the day, just checking in here and there. But mostly at the end of the evening, we get together and have dinner and that’s the reflection time. How was your day, babe? What was going on?

And one thing that I noticed I would do in those scenarios is immediately report all of the problems. Like, “Oh, today, so-and-so forgot to do this thing and I got a phone call from this person and they needed all these things, this problem here, this problem there. I forgot I needed to make a doctor’s appointment today.” Just all of the problems of the day would be the first garbage out of my mouth, essentially.

And so I made this vow to myself of, we’re not going to do that. That’s not how the conversation is going to go. Every day cannot be a rundown of all the problems and the things that you are very bothered by. Let’s try to have a conversation about all the lovely things. It’s like, “Well, we had this meeting today and somebody had this amazing idea and Tonya wants to do this thing that sounds so cool. I can’t wait to hear more about it. And I talked to this member today and she had the best things to say about the latest class that Tonya taught,” and just actually making conversation about positive things instead of about the problems. And that alone has completely changed the game for me.

Tonya Leigh:

Oh my God, that’s so good. How often do we get together with our friends or our family? And the first thing that comes out of our mouth, “Oh, this happened today, and oh my God, the state of the world.” It’s like it becomes the main talking point.

And one of the things that we do in our meetings, and we do this very strategically, is that we start every meeting out with celebrations because we already know that we’re going to have problems, right? Because the world is just full of problems. And we, as humans, I always often think about how bored we would actually be without problems. We are designed to figure things out, but it’s when we let the problems weigh on us. And so we strategically start out every meeting with celebrations is to get our brain in an abundant, fun, celebratory state before we start addressing the problems. And so it sounds like you just took that home to Dan.

Laura Hinton:

Yeah. I was like, “Why did we not think of this sooner?” This is exactly the practice that we do in our work, and in the membership and all the places, celebrate first. I wasn’t doing it in my own life, in my own real world interactions with people. I was just committed to watching the story that I wanted to blurt out and taking a pause. It’s like, is that really how I want to start the reflection of this day? Let’s think about saying something that was really exciting, something that was really positive, something that you’re really looking forward to. And again, just changing that approach to reporting your day, change that brain’s filter to look for all the things that you’re excited to report instead of all the things you’re ready to complain about.

Awareness Is the First Shift

Tonya Leigh:

Yeah, that’s so good. One of the things that I did when I was learning how to be a complaint-free woman, which is actually a class within the membership, is first of all, you have to become aware of the complaints. And if you just stay attuned to what’s going on in your body and how you feel, you’ll notice when you feel a certain way. If you check in, you’re probably complaining. You’re looking for what’s lacking, what’s missing, what you didn’t do well enough, what could go wrong, and that just weighs heavy on you. Talk about taking away your vibrancy.

Laura Hinton:

100%.

Tonya Leigh:

So you just notice, and then I would do this little trick. Every time I would catch myself in a complaint, I would immediately add the word and to the end of the complaint. So for example, “The weather is terrible and,” what are you going to do about it, Tonya? Make your brain find a solution because I think it was Eckhart Tolle that says that you can either change it, leave it, or accept it. Any other tips on how to stop complaining so much in your life?

Training Your Brain to See More

Laura Hinton:

Yeah. One thing that we preach and follow is the practice of journaling, journaling on a regular basis, and it’s something that I’ve done off and on with different levels of excitement around it over time. But one of the things that I, again, just decided at the start of the new year was that journaling was coming back into a daily practice in a vibrant way for me, and in a way that I haven’t done it before. I’m no stranger to self-coaching and working through the practices that we teach our members. And what I decided this year was that an additional practice I wanted to implement is my “Awe Journal”. This has helped greatly, and what I started doing first was through January, it was basically a gratitude journal, right? Looking for all of the things in my day, things about people I was with, things about myself that I could express appreciation and gratitude for. And that helped get things going, that got the ball rolling for me.

After a month of doing more of a gratitude and appreciation journaling practice, I knew I had to step it up a level. And so to bring it to a place of awe, right? What am I amazed at today? What am I in awe of? What is absolutely blowing my mind? And it could be the simplest thing. It could be that I looked out the window and saw the deer walking in the field behind our house and the sunrise was incredible. And it could be something that I saw in myself in a different way that I’ve never observed before. That’s amazing so document the process. It’s something that, again, I think when we are in the habit of self-coaching, it’s like, where’s the problem that I want to shift? Where’s something that’s not serving me and I want to change it? And moving into a practice of let’s just look immediately for the things that are amazing and find those and set that filter to see that every day has just really given me such a more positive impression of every day.

Tonya Leigh:

That is actually a beautiful way to journal and to think about journaling because I feel like at different stages you need different things. There are times in your life where you do need to figure out, what am I feeling right now? Why do I feel so terrible? And understanding the thoughts and what’s going on in your head. And then I do think there comes a point in the practice where you’re like, “I’ve done this for years. I’m ready to move towards something else, which that’s what it sounds like.”

Laura Hinton:

Yeah, exactly.

Tonya Leigh:

You did.

Laura Hinton:

Yeah. I think it’s about just pushing yourself in your own personal area of growth, what is going to grow me the most in this chapter of life and this time of life and getting to play around. It doesn’t always have to be the same answer to every stage of the way and just experimenting with what’s going to grow me the most right now. And for me, that’s it.

Tonya Leigh:

Beautiful. I could not agree with you more that a woman has to know what she needs to focus on, what area of growth is calling for her right now. And within the membership this month, I’m teaching the Vibrant Well-Being Framework and there are actually five areas that we’re going to be focused on. And it may be that a woman feels like, “You know what? I got these two areas, but these other three, I really need to step up my game so I can be more vibrant.” And I feel like for you, there is a particular area that you know that it’s calling you right now. What would it be?

Redefining Value Through Joy

Laura Hinton:

Yeah, it’s the fun and pleasure. I had this realization, I mean, probably a year or so ago where I was looking at my husband and he is the king of hobbies. The man has a hobby for every day of the week. And I was like, “I don’t think I have a hobby.” Does reading count as a hobby? I don’t know.

It’s this sudden realization that I don’t do anything that doesn’t have a purpose, that isn’t very important and needed. There’s nothing I do just for fun, just for funsies, just because I want to, just because it feels good. And so heading into this year was like this, if there’s any action that needs to be taken here in up-leveling my life, it’s in joyful pleasures, it’s in hobbies, it’s in doing things that literally move the needle not at all except for in my own joy, in my own happiness.

Tonya Leigh:

I feel like that moves the needle on everything. I really do.

Laura Hinton:

Yeah.

Tonya Leigh:

I think when a woman is full of joy, when she is playing, when she is indulging in what we call true pleasure, that energy affects everything. It affects how you show up in your work, it affects how you show up in your marriage, with your family, and the world begins to rearrange around that. I think we’ve just been taught that effort is everything. Make yourself miserable, burn yourself out, but take that action, and I’ve just learned it doesn’t work that way.

Laura Hinton:

Yeah.

Tonya Leigh:

And we both have done that.

Laura Hinton:

Yeah. It’s so interesting, right? It’s like this is the exact perspective change that I have been needing for so long, right?

Tonya Leigh:

Yeah.

Laura Hinton:

It’s like, oh, I need to… It only counts if it has value. Is this valuable in some way, shape, or form? Well, then otherwise you can’t be bothered to do it. And it’s about-

Tonya Leigh:

How do you determine what has value?

Laura Hinton:

Exactly. We don’t know.

Tonya Leigh:

It’s such a great question.

Laura Hinton:

Yeah. Does it have a financial value attached to it? Are you contributing somehow to the financial growth of your life? Does it have something that’s enhancing somebody else’s experience, right? Am I doing something that’s contributing to the value of your business, to the experience of my family, to the things I’m doing with my friends? Is it contributing something that’s helping other people in some way, shape, or form? And if it’s just something that’s fun for me, does that really have value? My old brain says no, and yours is teaching me that it absolutely does, right?

Tonya Leigh:

Yeah, but I think we’ve had to unlearn it because I do think women have been taught your value is in what you can do for others. Your value is what you do for your family or the world or your community. And that is valuable. I never want to say that’s not, but when it’s to your own detriment and that’s where your worth comes from, that’s when you’ve set yourself up for misery. And I just think the best gift a woman can give herself, the world, her job, her career is her joy. I really do feel that way, and it’s just so fun to watch you step into it, really.

Laura Hinton:

I mean, you’re right. It’s an amazing thing to witness what feels like such a silly thing, but how deeply impactful it actually is, right? Something that… That’s just silly. That’s just, that’s irrelevant. We even do that when we have time later. And it’s like, no, actually it’s the pathway to living a better life in all the areas and enhancing the people who are experiencing you and your attitude and joy and energy at the same time, right?

Tonya Leigh:

Yeah, because I always think about why do you want the things that you want? And it’s always because you’re after a feeling. And it may be joy, it may be some other feeling, but how often do we try to produce something from an emotion that is opposite of what we’re actually trying to get to?

Laura Hinton:

Yeah.

Tonya Leigh:

And I’m just like, let’s just go dive straight into the emotion that you’re after.

Laura Hinton:

Yeah.

Tonya Leigh:

So what would you say the emotion you’re truly after this year?

Laura Hinton:

I mean, I think there’s a sense of just a relaxed freedom. When I mentioned earlier about how I realized this belief of true, joyful freedom is on the other side of retirement, it’s like, “Okay, if that’s not going to be true, what needs to change?” And I just realized bringing simple, joyful pleasures into my life that have no other purpose in my old brain’s way of looking at things other than to make me feel happy, those are the things that I was missing. So it’s things like doing puzzles, game night with friends. I’ve started painting and drawing again and getting back in touch with my artist identity, which I somehow lost along the way, and all of these just small things that are very introverted types of activities that I just love doing.

Other people don’t need to understand them or think that they’re fun, but it brings me such a better balanced experience to my day where it’s like, okay, let’s say something wasn’t going great in one area of the day. Instead of amplifying that by complaining about it and focusing on it, why not supplement with something that is just going to be a little delight for the day?

Tonya Leigh:

Yeah.

Laura Hinton:

Go find 20 puzzle pieces to put into place, and listen to your favorite playlist while you’re doing it.

The Core Filter for Well-Being

Tonya Leigh:

I think at the end of the day, the question, especially around this pathway of Vibrant Well-Being, is does this make me feel more alive?

Laura Hinton:

Yeah.

Tonya Leigh:

I think just that one question, does it make you feel more alive and complaining, as we both know?

Laura Hinton:

No.

Tonya Leigh:

Doing a puzzle, playing games, sometimes for me working. I feel so alive when it’s aligned and I’m not putting all the pressure on myself. It’s not about what it is exactly, it’s like, how do you feel when you’re doing it? And that’s something we all need to pay attention to. Does that make you feel more alive?

Laura Hinton:

It’s such a good question, and such a simple one, but one that probably we don’t ask ourselves that often.

Tonya Leigh:

We’re going to be asking it all month within the membership. That’s going to be the one core question that is going to guide how we show up this month. Does it make me feel more alive, or less? And just do more of what makes you feel more alive and less of what doesn’t. It really is that simple.

Laura Hinton:

Yeah. It’s such a different approach to amplifying your well-being and just taught through a lens that I think is so much more relatable, so much more doable, so much more pleasurable through the journey and the process, which always just leads to a better outcome.

Tonya Leigh:

Yeah, 100%. I am really excited about this month in the membership. I think one of the reasons is because it’s one of our four pathways, and I find that a lot of our members choose this. Have you noticed that?

Laura Hinton:

Absolutely.

Tonya Leigh:

Why do you think that is?

Laura Hinton:

I mean, I think everybody wants to feel joyfully alive.

Tonya Leigh:

Yeah.

Laura Hinton:

Who doesn’t?

Tonya Leigh:

Yeah. And I think so many women come into it thinking, “Oh, it’s going to mean we’re going to lose weight and we’re going to… Tonya’s going to put me on a meal plan.” That is not at all what we’re doing inside the membership. This is about something so much bigger, so much deeper. This is really about you thinking about what makes you feel alive, and also noticing what’s draining your energy. And we want to do less of this and more of that, and we’re going to be doing it through the lens of looking at five specific areas that lead to Vibrant Well-Being.

Now, I would love to hear from you in the comments below, tell me what makes you feel most alive. And Laura, thank you so much for coming here today. I always love these conversations with you, and hopefully you’ll come back and do this again with me.

Laura Hinton:

You know I will.

Tonya Leigh:

Fantastic. All right. Thank you for tuning in, and I will see you in next week’s episode. Cheers.