These 2 Identity Questions Changed My Year

The Power of Identity-Altering Questions

Imagine if two questions could completely rewrite your year. Not through hustle, not through pressure, but through your identity. Well, today I’m sharing the two questions that changed my year, and they may be the two most important questions that you ask yourself before the next one begins.

Welcome to the School of Self-Image, where our motto is simple. Elevate your self-image, elevate your life. I’m Tonya Leigh, your hostess, and I’ll guide you to become the woman who doesn’t just dream bigger, she lives bigger. Let’s dive in.

Hello, friends, and welcome to this episode. One of the greatest tools that I use in my work and in my own life is the ability to ask profound questions. Not fluffy questions, not surface questions, but the kinds of questions that go deep into your subconscious mind to reveal the truth of what’s really blocking you. What you truly want, not what you should want, and what matters most to you. And most importantly, the identity that you need to step into next. A single honest question can shift your entire year.

So as we approach the end of the year, I ask myself many, many questions. In fact, I disappear for 24 hours to gain clarity and really set powerful intentions for the next year. But if I had to choose just two questions to ask myself that really cut through the BS and get me super clear, it would be the two I’m going to share with you today. So let’s start with the first.

Question One: What Are You Tired of Tolerating?

Question number one is what are you tired of tolerating? If you really pay attention, there are things in your life that are constantly triggering you. Maybe they’re little irritations or recurring frustrations. The things that you keep complaining about, even if it’s only to yourself. And usually, those things are in direct conflict with your values, what you say matters, and what you’re actually allowing or doing. Here’s the thing that most women don’t realize. You don’t get what you want in life; you get what you tolerate, you get what you expect. And year after year of tolerating the same things doesn’t just create a pattern, it forms a self-image. It creates the identity of a woman who settles. A woman who copes instead of leads. A woman who hopes that things will get better while continuing to hold on to the habits that keep her stuck.

Every time you tolerate something beneath your desired standard, what you’re doing is, well, you’re reinforcing the identity of a woman who just puts up with it. And we tolerate so many things without even realizing it. Think about it. Do you tolerate clutter that stresses you out, or disorganization that eats at your time? Maybe it’s exhaustion that’s just become normalized. It could be unfinished tasks that weigh on you or financial leaks. It could be friendships that drain you more than they give, or it could be boundaries that are being crossed again and again. Or habits that numb you instead of feel nourishing. It could be saying that you want one thing, but then you notice that you’re doing things that conflict with it. Toleration leaks your energy, and it also dulls your self-respect. It lowers your standards quietly and consistently, and almost invisibly.

But here’s the truth. Whatever you tolerate, you teach your self-image to expect. This is why question number one is so powerful. I want you to ask yourself, “What am I tired of tolerating?” Not what you should be tired of, but what your soul is just done caring. Because the moment you name it, you break the spell that it has over you.

Pick One—Don’t Overwhelm the Process

Now, I want to give you a little warning here. I don’t want you to pick 10 things because if we’re being honest with ourselves, there are probably a lot of things that we’re tired of tolerating. But I don’t want you to create a long list. That is actually part of the problem. When we overwhelm ourselves with too many changes at once, we subconsciously set ourselves up for failure, and that failure becomes more evidence for the old identity. You get to say to yourself, “See? I’m just a woman who tolerates.” And if you’ve been around my work for any length of time, you know I’m all about less, but better. I’m all about focus.

So choose one thing, just one. What is one thing you’d love to no longer tolerate in your next season? It could be tolerating disrespect. It could be tolerating your own inconsistency around your health. It could be tolerating your fear of showing up in your business. It could be tolerating the chaos in your home. So let me ask you again. What’s the one thing you want to stop tolerating next year? In fact, I would love it if you shared it with me down below in the comments.

Question Two: Who Do You Need to Become?

Now, let’s move on to question number two, and this one is so important. Who do you need to become to stop tolerating it? It’s not enough just to name it; you need to really identify the identity of the woman who no longer tolerates that. Here’s where the transformation actually happens. Because the truth is, you can’t simply try harder to stop tolerating something, white-knuckling your way through change. That lasts about three days. Real sustainable change doesn’t come from willpower; it comes from identity, it comes from your self-image. So the question is, “Who do I need to become to stop tolerating it?”

This question is powerful because it shifts you out of problem-solving mode into identity-shifting mode. Because hear me, you cannot create a new life with the same self-image that created your current one. If you want a different experience, you need to become the woman who naturally lives that different experience. So ask yourself, “Who is the woman that doesn’t tolerate this? How does she think? What does she believe about herself? How does she carry herself? What does she prioritize? How does she spend her time? What does she say no to unapologetically? What does she expect from life?” And most importantly, “What does she expect from herself?”

I want you to identify her, I want you to see her. I want you to feel what it feels like to be her and let that energy lead your days. Because the version of you who tolerates the clutter, the chaos, or maybe the inconsistency, maybe even the fear, she is not the same woman who releases it. This is the part where you craft a new identity, a future self-image that becomes your internal north star. And please, understand this. You don’t have to be her perfectly; that’s not what we’re doing here. This is about you deciding and then practicing that decision.

I think back to a season when I finally got honest with myself about people pleasing. You see, as a little girl, people pleasing was a survival strategy, and it worked. It kept me safe, it kept the peace, and it helped me to avoid conflict. And because it worked when I was young, I carried it right into adulthood. Into my relationships, into my work, and even in how I led my business. It became one of my success strategies, even though it was silently just, I don’t know, eroding my self-worth.

Because here’s what people pleasing actually costs you. Well, I’ll tell you what it cost me. My peace of mind, my boundaries, my time, my truth. It cost me my ability to trust myself. And yes, in some cases, it even cost me money. There came a point where I had to tell myself the truth: this identity was costing me too much, and I was tired of tolerating it. But here’s what most women misunderstand. When you’ve operated a certain way for a long time, those neural pathways are deep. That identity just feels familiar; it feels automatic. But familiar does not mean permanent. Automatic does not mean unchangeable. You can absolutely become a woman who doesn’t tolerate people pleasing, but you have to practice being her.

So that’s what I did. Once I identified that I didn’t want to tolerate it any longer and I got clear on who I needed to be, I practiced that decision every day. When I felt the urge to say yes when every part of me wanted to say no, I practiced choosing myself. When I caught myself holding back my truth because I didn’t want to disappoint someone, I practiced speaking up. When I started to twist myself into easy and agreeable, that version of me, I practiced coming back to who I really was. Micro-decisions, tiny moments of self-advocacy, one choice at a time.

Fast-forward to today, and I no longer identify as a people pleaser. Not because I don’t do it sometimes and not because I’m perfect, not because I don’t have that urge, but because I’m very thoughtful now about the words I use to describe myself. Most people look at their past behavior and say, “See? I’m a people pleaser, that’s just who I am.” But the moment you declare it as your identity, you lock yourself right back into the pattern. I choose not to identify as a people pleaser anymore because I’ve learned to, number one, become an advocate for myself. And number two, I was just done tolerating it. But that advocacy was built through micro-moments, the everyday decisions, the tiny acts of courage.

Identity Isn’t Instant—It’s Reinforced Daily

And here’s the beautiful part: it all started with these two questions. What am I tired of tolerating? And who do I need to become to stop tolerating it? Identity is not built through one big breakthrough, and that’s where a lot of women get it wrong, and they get frustrated. They want to see results immediately. But identity change actually comes through small, consistent choices that signal to your self-image, “This is who we’re becoming, this is who we’re choosing to be.” And the more you show up as her, the more the old tolerations fall away naturally. Not because you’re forcing anything, but because you’re no longer the woman who lives that way.

When you think of who you need to become to stop tolerating whatever you choose, I want you to use this statement. “I am a woman who.” Let me give you an example. If the thing you’re tired of tolerating is exhaustion, maybe the identity you need to step into is, “I am a woman who honors her energy.” If you are tired of tolerating the fear of putting yourself out there, maybe the identity is, “I am a woman who shows up for her dreams.” If you are, let’s say, tired of tolerating clutter, maybe the identity is, “I am a woman who chooses beauty and simplicity.” Because once you identify who you need to become, your daily work is just to take little actions every day to reinforce this new identity. This is about you becoming unavailable for anything that conflicts with the woman you’re becoming.

So take a moment and ask yourself, “Who do I need to become to stop tolerating this?” Write it down, describe her, embody her, practice her, and share her with me in the comments down below. This is how your next year becomes your next level. Have a wonderful, wonderful week, my friends, and I’ll see you in the next episode. Cheers.