5 Things That Don't Belong in Your Next Era

The Weight of The Old You

Every woman has a next era calling her forward, a version of herself that feels more alive, more expansive than her previous season because life isn't meant to be lived on repeat. It's meant to keep evolving, keep refreshing, keep surprising you. At the core, we are creative beings and when we stop creating, we often feel very unsatisfied, unfulfilled. But here's the thing, you can't fully step into a new way of being by dragging the old you behind because it's heavy, it's outdated, and it blocks the expansion that you are craving. So today I'm breaking down five of the most common things that hold women back and quietly sabotage their self-image. And what happens when you finally let them go? So if you've been feeling this pull towards something fresh, something exciting, this conversation will give you permission to travel lighter. Welcome to the School of Self-Image where our motto is simple. Elevate your self-image, elevate your life. I'm Tonya Leigh, your hostess, and I'll guide you to become the woman who doesn't just dream bigger, she lives bigger. Let's dive in.

What You Must Let Go Of

When it comes to change, when it comes to reinvention, when it comes to elevating your self-image, often what happens is that we immediately go to all of the new things that we think we need to do, the new habits, the new goals, the new ways of being. And sure those things are important, but what needs to happen in order for that new you to emerge? What most people don't think about are all of the things that they need to stop doing. And to me that's elegance, it's simplicity. It's letting go and releasing to make room for what's possible. If you think about a sculptor, for example, the sculptor doesn't just start adding clay. What does he or she do? They chip away at the statue to reveal what's already there.

Or you think about a gardener, right? I dunno if you've ever gardened or not, but usually what you do is you go out there and you pull out the weeds to get the soil ready, to accept these new seeds that you're about to plant. And that's what we need to think about when we are going into our own reinvention. When we're ready to step into our next era, we need to think about what do we need to let go of? And after having coached women over the last 15 years, I've seen five common things that secretly sabotage us and hold us back.

The Five Things That Don’t Belong in Your Next Era

So the first thing that does not belong in your next era, this is the thing that holds so many of us back, is the need for external approval. I want you to really think about it. How often do you let the fear of what other people think of you or what they may potentially judge you for, stop you from doing what you really want to do When it comes to external approval, what I have found to be true is that number one, it's fleeting. Have you ever noticed that when you do something, some people will approve and other people won't?

So if you're trying to please everyone, chances are you are not pleasing yourself. One of the things that I have personally experienced, especially running a business, is that everyone is going to have an opinion. Some people will love the things that you do and other people will not. Now, at the end of the day, of course, I want to show up. I want to deliver my best. I want to serve my clients at the highest level, but I have to be true to me. I have to really tune in and ask myself, what feels like your truth? Tonya? What matters to you? Are you honoring your values? Are you honoring your desires? And sometimes, unfortunately, not everyone agrees with that, but what I get to know is that I am living in alignment with myself, and that's authenticity. And that's the thing about approval. When you are seeking it from the outside world, chances are you're not being authentic.

And at the end of the day, authenticity is the most magnetic trait you can have. Of course, it's going to repel some people, but those are people that aren't meant to be in your world anyway. But it's going to attract the right people, the right people who appreciate you for who you truly are, who are a fit for your values, your worldview, and that just makes for such a more incredible way of living. When you start validating yourself, when you start giving yourself that approval that you would crave from everyone else, when you start liking your reasons for what it is that you want to do, that's where real freedom exists. And just think about how much lighter you would travel in the world. Think about how you would show up differently in your life if you weren't needing the approval of everyone else and you learned to give it to yourself first.

So that's the very first thing that does not belong in your next era. It is slowing you down and it's keeping you from creating the results that you want. The next thing that does not belong in your next era, and hear me out because this is a big one, and that is guilt around wanting more. How many of you feel guilty for what it is that you want? And what this does is it creates a split energy. It's on one hand you saying, I want this, but there's this other part of you that says, I shouldn't want this. How can you create what it is that you want when you're literally putting the brakes on your desires? Because here's the thing, your next era is going to require more abundance, more beauty, more expansion, more joy. It's going to require that you let go of the guilt of more guilt shrinks your desires.

When you're feeling guilt for what it is that you want, you're probably not even being honest about what you want. You're choosing what you think is acceptable. You're choosing what is safe. You're choosing what think your mother or your sister or your friends will approve of, and that's you living out of integrity with yourself and it shrinks your desires. All of us have desires, and I believe these desires are divine. I really do. I have this theory, whatever you believe in God universe. But there is this entity that experiences life through us. And because of that, we all have such unique desires. It's like my desire is to travel. My mother, on the other hand, her desire is to have the most beautiful garden in her neighborhood. There's nothing wrong with her desire. There's nothing wrong with mine. It's all about being honest about what it is that you truly want.

Because when you define it, when you claim it and you release the guilt around it, it is so much easier to create. Now with this particular guilt, what often happens is that we have this belief I should just be happy with what I have. Shouldn't I just be content? Shouldn't I just settle and be grateful with what I already have? And the answer is yes. I want you to understand that gratitude and desire can coexist. In fact, not only can it coexist, it is the best foundation in which to create from a grateful heart of saying, I am so appreciative, I am so blessed and I'm excited for more, I'm ready for more. Because this thinking that we shouldn't want more, it really just comes from scarcity and lack. And it was probably instilled in you as a child, you should just be grateful. You should just settle.

You should think about everybody else and forget yourself. But what I have found to be true is that when I finally got honest about what I wanted, not only was I being true to myself, I had so much more to give everyone else. In fact, I remember feeling so guilty around my love of travel and the fact that I was traveling a lot because I thought about my parents and my family who had not traveled in the way that I had. But because I honored my desire, guess what? I get to take my mom and dad on trips. I've been able to help my brother travel. I've been able to help my niece and nephew do things that they never dreamt they would be able to do, all because I honored my desires. So where are you feeling guilty about what you want and what would it feel like?

What would it look like for you to release the guilt and just decide and claim what it is that you want in your life and get your energy behind that 100%? Because I'm telling you to get into your next era, you're going to have to release that energy. You're going to have to be unapologetic about what it is that you want and release the guilt around it. Now, the next thing that does not belong in your next era is you tolerating the wrong environments. Now, this is where I come from, a very different school of thought than some coaches because some coaches will say, you don't need to change the external. You only need to change what's in here. And at the end of the day, there is some truth to that. What's in here is always determining your experience. However, I know for a fact that when you start to place yourself in certain environments, it's so much easier to change on the inside.

In fact, it almost happens effortlessly because all of a sudden you have different things being mirrored back to you and you step into it with so much more ease. Think about the environments where you feel most alive. Think about the environments that really signal to you get, yes, this is where I want to be. This is who I'm becoming. Then think about the environments that drain you. It could be the things, the people, the places that wherever you're there, whenever you're there, you just feel drained. You feel like it's not calling forth the best version of you. Now imagine if you stop tolerating those, maybe for you it's clutter. You look around and there's clutter everywhere, and it's just reflecting back to you. I'm disorganized. I don't have my life together. Because the external is always just mirroring back to your self-image, however you see yourself as what you are going to be looking for and what's going to be reflected back to you.

Now, the beauty of this is when you stop tolerating the wrong environments and you start placing yourself in environments that really match the future that you are stepping into, it is so much easier to access new thoughts, new possibilities, new ideas that aren't even hanging out in certain environments. This is why one of the main pillars of the school of self-image is environment because what you surround yourself with is shaping you. And so what you'll find is that when you begin to intentionally curate an environment that mirrors back the future that you want, and when I talk about environment, I'm talking about all of the little details that surround you, everything from the books you read to the art on your wall, to how your furniture is arranged, like it all was a choice you made. And that choice is mirroring something back to you.

And when you begin to make those choices on purpose and you start to place yourself in more expansive environments, it will release you to step into a next era unburdened by all of the baggage from your past, all of the unintentional choices. And you'll notice that you just feel so much more aligned with the future that you are creating for yourself. The next thing that does not belong in your next era is over identifying with the past. And this is what most people subconsciously do. They keep looking to what has been as a determining factor of what can be. And it's why most people just keep repeating the past over and over again. So first of all, I want you to know that your mistakes do not determine your future right now you get to decide what you want to think about you. And even the story that you tell of your past, if you're telling yourself a story of the past of how you have failed, how things have never worked out for you, how you don't have what it takes because of what happened five years ago, that is optional. You literally get to tell a story that will free you from all of that baggage

Because at the end of the day, what you think right now is a choice. But if you keep repeating the same old thoughts about the past, you're going to keep creating the same old results. So the second thing when it comes to over identifying with the past, and this is one that we don't often think about, but it's very important, is over identifying with your past successes. You may be watching this and you think that your best days are behind you. You've had a lot of success. You've experienced what you think are your highs of life, and now you're thinking never again. I'm on the other side. It's all downhill from now. That is just a story that you are telling yourself. You must be willing to break up with a part of you that keeps identifying with your successes from the past.

I know this to be true for myself. You've had success in the past and then you try to create success with the way you used to do it and it's no longer working. And that is not a bad thing. That is just a signal that you need to be introduced to a new version of you. It's a signal that there's more growth to experience. There's new possibilities that are awaiting, but you'll never find them if you're over identifying even with your successful past. So over identifying with your past, whether it's your failures or your successes, it's inhibiting your growth. So your next era really does begin when you loosen the grip of your past failures and your past successes so that you can allow this new version of you to emerge. Now, I'm ready to share the fifth thing that does not belong in your next era.

And if you just do this one thing, you'll see your life completely change. And that is you need to let go of this harsh inner critic. I know that voice in your head, that you want to believe the voice that tells you that you're not good enough and that you don't have what it takes and that it's going to take too long. And oh my God, you shouldn't have done this and you're such a failure. That voice needs to be replaced immediately. In fact, I want you to think about this. Do you spend more time fighting for your possibility or fighting for your limitation? And a lot of time you don't even realize this is what you're doing. But when I'm coaching women, I can see very clearly they are spending way more time talking about all of the reasons why they can't do it, why it's going to be too hard, how it's going to take too long.

And I'm like, no wonder you can't create the results that you want. What if you spent more time talking about how this is the perfect time for you, how you have what it takes, how this desire of yours is so important, how you're so excited to show up for it, how you are the perfect person to execute it? Imagine what your life would be like because here's the reality, you cannot bully yourself into your next era. You can try. I've done it. I tried to bully myself into weight loss. I tried to bully myself into being a better businesswoman. I've tried to bully myself into every reinvention that I've ever had, and it never worked long-term because at the end of the day, you are always going to come back to how you see yourself. And if you see yourself subconsciously as not good enough, not be able to create change, not be able to sustain change, inevitably that is going to be what you create, which is why I want all of us to access that compassionate voice.

And she's within all of us, I promise you. Now, you may think she's not there because you haven't listened for her for a long time, but she is there. It's that version that loves you deeply. It's the version of you that wants the best for you. It's the version of you that knows that your desires are important and you have exactly what is required to create them. And it's a practice. That's what I tell my clients all of the time. I'm like, this is a practice and you get good at what you practice. If you begin to practice treating yourself with so much love and self-respect, if you have grace with yourself, if that is what you practice over and over, eventually it becomes your default. Now, the other thing is that you set the standard for how other people treat you by how you treat yourself.

When you begin to speak kindly to yourself, when you begin to have your own back, when you begin to cheer yourself on, when other people don't offer that to you, you won't tolerate it. You'll be like, no, this is not acceptable. In my world and my world, this is how I treat myself, and this is how I want to be treated. I think about the golden rule. What is it? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you? Well, the opposite is true. Don't let others do unto you what you won't do unto them. And when you begin to really love yourself that madly, when you begin to talk to yourself like you would talk to your best friend, you really do become unstoppable. I'm telling you, it is the secret. If you just did that one thing you released the harsh inner critic, you would be blown away with how quickly you can step into your next era, that era of aliveness, of expansion of joy.

Becoming Unstoppable Through Self-Compassion

Because at the end of the day, think about this. You are with you every day, every second for the rest of your life. People are going to come and go, but you are going to be the one constant in your life. So why not make that relationship the most important one? Why not make that voice so loving, so kind? And sometimes that voice is tough because she wants the best for you, but it will always come from a place of love. So yeah, it's time to release that harsh inner critic. Your next era isn't about piling on more hustle or trying to fix what's wrong with you, because guess what? You're not broken. It's about you removing what doesn't belong anymore, the constant need for approval, the guilt around wanting more, the environments that drag you down, the stories from your past and that harsh inner critic.

Choose Your Release and Begin Again

When you let go of even one of these, you're going to create so much more space for confidence, for freedom, and ease. So here's my question for you. What's the one thing that you're ready to release? Start there and you'll feel the shift almost immediately. Thank you so much for tuning into today's episode. And before you go, I have a little gift for you. It's called the Self-Image Manifesto. Think of it as a love note from your future self. You can go to schoolofselfimage.com/manifesto to download your free copy, and I'll see you in next week's episode. Cheers.