Being Selective

Every day, we are handed opportunities to select what is allowed into our lives and reject what isn’t allowed. And we all need to get into the habit of asking ourselves, “Does this support the life I’m trying to create?” We all need to be more selective. And that’s what this episode is all about, so let’s dive in.

Welcome to the School of Self-Image, where personal development meets style. Here’s your hostess, master life coach Tonya Leigh.

What is happening, my friends? I have so much to catch up with you on. I just got back from Miami. I was there for the SOSI Beach live event. And let me just tell you all, if you weren’t there, you have no idea what you missed out on. We had the time of our lives.

It was even better than I had imagined. And trust me, I’d imagined fabulousness. But spending three days with the School of Self-Image members, having incredible content, having parties every night. I’m telling you, it was so much fun. In fact, we are already planning the next one. That’s how much fun we had.

I told my team, I was like, “Listen, we’re going to do this as an experiment.” Because I had never done a larger event, and quite honestly, I didn’t know if I was going to like it. I didn’t know if it was going to be one of those things, when I was done, it was going to be like, “Never again…”

But when it was done, I said, “Okay, let’s go.” In fact, before the weekend was over, we were already planning the next venue and securing a hotel. We are some quick starts on my team. When we make a decision, we get to work and make it happen. So, that was super fun.

And then, I stayed for an extra week because I held my team annual meeting in Miami, and so just all of it, the energy of being in Miami, in South Beach, the sun, the people, the conversations, I’m on a high right now. In fact, I’m probably talking really fast, so I’m going to have a sip of coffee and slow it down a little bit.

So, I got home two nights ago, three nights ago and then my parents flew in the next day, and we just celebrated my mom’s birthday last night. And just, oh my goodness, I can’t wait to tell you all everything that’s happening. It’s so good, so much fun.

And as I was sitting here this morning thinking about this episode and what I wanted to talk about, I revisited my past, when I just allowed everything into my world, I was reacting constantly, 24/7, and I felt stuck. I felt like I wasn’t making progress in my life.

But when I started to be selective, choosing things on purpose instead of just claiming whatever was handed to me, that’s when my life started to get better faster. And so, that’s what we’re going to talk about today on this episode. I want to talk about being selective.

When Fonz and I were in Miami, we went to this restaurant called Mila. It’s a beautiful restaurant. If you are ever in South Beach, I highly recommend you check it out. It’s quite the scene.

But we walked in, and we had to wait about seven or eight minutes for our table to be prepared. And they took us over to the table. And as soon as we looked at it, we were like, “No, this is not going to work.” And we told them, we were like, “We refuse to sit at this table. Find us a better table.” Especially Fonz is like 6”6. He’s a big guy.

And this table was in the corner, it looked like a child’s table. You know the little tables where we always put the kids when the adults were having dinner, that’s what this table looked like. It wasn’t in a good location. It was a small table, and it just wasn’t a fit for the experience that we wanted to have.

And so, we told the maître d’, we were like, “We need another table.” And so, she found us one much better table. And then, another couple came and sat down beside us. They had tried to seat them at the same table, and they refused because they saw us refuse it.

But eventually, we saw a couple who just took that table. And I was a little sad for them. I can’t imagine that they were okay with this table. The table was this bad. And yet, they sat there, and they just took what was given to them without asking for a different experience, without being selective.

So, I looked up the definition of selective, and it means, “Relating to or involving the selection of the most suitable or best qualified.” And then there was another really fascinating definition for electronics, which means, “Able to reject frequencies other than the one selected or tuned.” And when I read that one, I was like, “Whoa.”

I talk a lot, especially within my membership, about frequency and alignment and energy. And oftentimes, when it comes to the process of selection, we select what is on our energetic field.

So, for example – it’s a great example – when you are feeling depressed, when you’re feeling sad, when you’re in a mood, you will be more likely to select things that match that mood, that match that emotion. Like attracts like. And the opposite is true.

When you are in a high-vibe frequency, when you’re feeling delighted or excited or passionate or joyful, you are more likely to select things that match that frequency. And likewise, you are more likely to reject things that don’t match that frequency. And you can see this on both ends of the spectrum.

There have been many times, you all, where I was in a mood for long periods of time, that I would have friends come over and say, “Hey, let’s go out. Let’s go do something.” And I would be like, “No.” I would select an experience to complement the mood that I was in.

Equally, the other night, when we were offered that table, it didn’t match our mood, it didn’t match our frequency. And we were like, “No,” we rejected it, like, “This does not belong in our experience.”

So, just knowing this, that we can reject frequencies other than the ones that we want, and we can select things and people and experiences that match how we want to feel or how we’re currently feeling, is the secret, my friends.

Now, this is not easy. Because what we often do is we select things that match our current self-image. So, we see ourselves a certain way, and then we select things and people and experiences that match how we see ourselves.

So, for example, let’s say that you see yourself as a person who is afraid of confrontation, and you have your entire life steered clear of any kind of confrontation. When you are offered a table that doesn’t match how you want to experience that restaurant, for example, you will accept it. You will not select something else because of how you see yourself.

Another example is, if your self-image is that of a person who doesn’t manage money well, you will notice that your spending selections will mirror that back to you. You may overspend. You may not look at your spending. You will, in your mind, not be selective of your money and spend on purpose.

If you see yourself as someone who is unable to manage their time effectively, you will not be selective with how you use your time. You’re always selecting. But a lot of times, we are selecting the same things over and over again, so it becomes very impulsive and reactive. It’s not intentional.

So, knowing that your current selections are a mirror of your self-image, you can use this information for you. And the way to do that is to begin to make new selections to provide evidence for how you want to see yourself. And in this process, you just have to expect that it’s going to be uncomfortable.

Transforming your self-image is no joke. It is very uncomfortable. It takes a lot of effort in the beginning because you are rewiring your brain. And for many of us, we’re overcoming decades of thoughts and beliefs and habits, and now have a pile of evidence to confirm how we currently see ourselves.

And so, we must be patient with ourselves during this process. But I want you all to be thinking about how you want to see yourself in relationships, around money, around your career and business, all of the areas of your life, how do you want to see yourself? And what new selections do you need to make to mirror a new self-image?

For me, this year, I have an extraordinary goal. An extraordinary goal is a goal that is meant to grow you. It is out of the ordinary and it’s going to require that you develop a completely new identity in order to create it. It’s the very first thing that I have the women within the School of Self-Image membership do.

I’m like, “Okay, if you all need to understand who you want to become, just choose an extraordinary goal, and that will show you.” It will reveal to you who you need to become.

And so, this year, my extraordinary goal is a financial goal in my business. And it feels impossible. It feels hard. And the current me is not able to create that goal. I’m going to have to create a new identity in order to reach that goal.

And so, I was thinking about my selections and what I need to be more selective of in order to reach my goal. And my two areas that I know I need to be more selective of are time; how I use my time. And listen, you all, I feel like I’m already really good with time management. However, I need to be thinking about where I need to be placing my attention and how I need to be using my time in the most effective way to reach this next level.

So, that’s the first area. The second area for me is people, more specifically my team. I need to be very selective around who I hire and who I bring into the School of Self-Image to support me. Because listen, you all, no one does this alone. No one creates extraordinary success by themselves. There’s often a big group of extraordinary people making it happen.

And so, I need to be very selective with who I bring in, making sure that they match our culture and our values and they’re in alignment with our mission and our vision. So, this means not hiring in a hurry, not hiring because I need help immediately. That reconfirms an older self-image of someone who’s reactive, of someone who is not intentional. And I don’t want to do that.

Like, I know that I need to be more selective. I need to slow down and be meticulous and really think through the experience that I want to create for my members. I need to be keeping my extraordinary goal at the forefront and choosing people that are on that frequency.

The same goes for another project that I’m working on right now called the Business Image Mastermind. It is so good. I cannot wait to share it with the world. In fact, if you go to businessimagemastermind.com, you can join the waitlist so you will hear about it as soon as we open the doors.

But I was thinking about the women that I want in this mastermind, the dreamers, the doers, the ones who are supportive, the ones who live their lives from the future, the ones who are excited about what they are here to do. I was thinking about that frequency. And I will be required to be very selective of who comes into this mastermind.

Now, my work as a coach is to get women into that frequency. So, sometimes for example, someone will come into your world who isn’t on the same frequency as you are. But something within you knows that they want to be there.

They’re not just going to come in and complain and they don’t want to change. They come into your world for a reason. They come into your world because you can actually inspire them to elevate. And so, as I’m thinking about this Business Image Mastermind, for example, I’m holding the frequency of what I am going to invite women to step into.

However, in the application process, if I sense that a woman is not ready to step into that or she’s not willing, then I need to be very selective of that container of what I – the energy that I allow into it.

So, I want you all to be thinking about your goal. I want you to be thinking about the area of your life where you’re not being selective, and what it’s costing you. The first area we all need to look at, every single one of us, is our thoughts.

Are you selecting your thoughts on purpose? Or are you just letting your brain run wild without supervision? A thought pops into your head and you’re like, “I’m just going to hang onto that one,” even though it doesn’t serve you?

I always go back to style metaphors and analogies, but it’s like you putting on an ugly dress and just wearing it around all day, it looks terrible on you, and yet you don’t take it off. You just keep wearing it. That’s what choosing to believe a thought that doesn’t serve you is like.

And yet, when you have thought a certain way for so long and that belief system has formed your self-image, you will select thoughts that match that frequency, and you will reject thoughts that do not.

So, for example, if you’ve seen yourself as overweight, when thoughts pop into your mind like, “I have no control. This is never going to work. I will never lose the weight,” all of these old, recycled thoughts, when they pop up, you will hang onto them. You will select those. Versus selecting new thoughts and living into them.

I keep going back to the definition for selective as it relates to electronics where it says, “Able to reject frequencies other than the one selected or tuned.” Many of you are tuned into frequencies that just don’t serve you. So, you’re going to have to reach for a different frequency and start rejecting anything that doesn’t belong there, that doesn’t fit.

I’ll give you a really good example. Not too long ago – I don’t know, it was probably about a month ago – I received a message on social media, and it was not a nice message, you all. And usually, I don’t get these. I may get them, but my team is in my social media box, and so they usually handle a lot of my social media.

But sometimes, I love to go in there and respond to people and just see what’s happening. So, I go into my Instagram account and there’s a message there from this woman who clearly is not a fan.

Another way that I like to think of this is we just are on two different frequencies. One’s not better than the other. We’re just tuned into different things. And so, my frequency upsets her frequency. We’ll just say it that way.

But when it happened, I could feel myself getting pulled into her frequency with my thoughts. And then I was like, “Whoa, Tonya, you need to be very selective about what you think right now. Does this thought help you reach your goals? Does this thought belong in your future? Does this thought feel good to you?”

And the answer to the thoughts I was having in my head were, no, none of these thoughts were supporting me in any way. And so, I just did a practice and I got tuned into the frequency that I wanted to be on, and I started to select my thoughts to match that frequency. That is the work.

Now, here’s the best part. And this doesn’t always happen, but this was a cherry on top. A few days after that, I get a message from her apologizing and she was saying, “Listen, I was just having a really bad day. You posted something that triggered me, and it brought up all of my stuff and I just want to thank you because that is the stuff I need to work on.”

And I was like, “Yay.” I got into a different frequency, and she chose to get on a different frequency as well. However, for us both to have gotten into different frequencies, we had to be selective. We had to reject frequencies other than the ones that we were selecting or tuned into.

And the best place to start this is with your thoughts. It’s with your thinking. However, there are other areas where we all need to be more selective, which will support the thoughts that we want to have. For example, being selective with your relationships.

Now, there are different schools of thought around this. One of them being you don’t need to avoid certain people. You need to use people as your teacher and as an opportunity to work on your thoughts. And that is true.

In life, we’re going to come up against many different frequencies, people who trigger us, and I do believe – I call them your PETs. They’re your personal emotional trainers. They can be your greatest teachers.

However, I like being selective with who I allow into my world. I want to be using that brain power and that efforting in different ways, in reaching my goals instead of constantly having to do thought work because I keep putting myself around people and in rooms of people that are just constantly triggering me.

One of the core pillars within the School of Self-Image is your environment. So, in order to transform your self-image, we talk about your mindset, your style, and your environment, your surroundings. Those three things shape how you see yourself.

Now, can you change how you see yourself, your thoughts about yourself without changing your surroundings and your style? 100%. But what I can tell you, it’s going to take you a lot longer and it’s going to be a lot harder, which is, why don’t we just use this information for ourselves? Why don’t we set our lives up in such a way that it becomes easier to see ourselves differently?

And one of the ways you can do that is being selective about the people around you? Think of it this way. Let’s say, for example, you have a money goal. You want to make a million dollars, and currently the people that you choose to be around, that you’re selecting all think money is evil. They all think it’s ridiculous that you want to make a million dollars. No one in that group has ever made a million dollars, and none of them think it’s possible for you.

Now, could you make a million dollars around these people? 100%. But it is going to take a lot more efforting on your part in thinking intentionally. You’re constantly going to be being triggered and having to work on those thoughts, versus putting yourself in a room full of millionaires. They’ve all made a million dollars. They all think money is fun. They think you can do incredible things with money. They think money s easy. They love having money. They love sharing money. Their stories around money are totally different and they believe you can make a million dollars.

Which one of those groups do you think it will be easier to make a million dollars within? The group of millionaires, right? And this principle can be applied to any goal that you have. Let’s say you want to get in shape, you want to get in the best shape of your life. And currently, you’re around people who don’t value their health, who eat whatever is put in front of them, who don’t exercise, who make fun of people who want to be in shape, versus being around people who value their health, who are selective about what they put into their bodies, who love working out.

It's going to be so much easier to get in the best shape of your life if you’re surrounded by that latter group. I saw this when I moved to Colorado. Colorado is a state full of really healthy people who love being outdoors, who love hiking and biking and skiing and just enjoying life.

And so, when I moved here, I was more inspired to get outside, to really get in shape. And I continue to be on this journey. And I think a place like Colorado is one of the best places I could put myself in this frequency, this energy, these people in order to continue to elevate my own fitness journey.

When it comes to being selective with people, here is my two cents. Life is too short, you all, to surround yourself with people who are constantly triggering you, putting you down, the naysayers, the ones who are the pessimist. If you’re someone who has big dreams and you want to live an extraordinary life, start placing yourself around extraordinary people.

So, we have talked about being selective with your thoughts, being selective with the people you surround yourself with. I also want you to be selective about what I call your intellectual consumptions; what you consume with your mind. I’m talking about TV, music, podcasts, books, social media, any type of information you consume, you need to be 100% selective around because your mind is your greatest asset.

If you are putting junk in, you’re more likely to put junk out. Now, I don’t know what that is for you. Some of you may think that I’m talking about reality TV. Listen, if that’s your thing and you feel like it makes you better and it produces a result that you like, then who am I to say that’s junk for you?

I think we all have to decide for ourselves what is quality and what is not. All I want you to think about is are you selecting the best intellectual consumptions for you that match the frequency of your future?

I always love to go into my future and visualize the version of me that I am working towards and ask myself, “Is she watching this? Is she reading this? Is she looking at this?” And if not, I need to reject it in my present.

I’ve talked about this before on the podcast, but this happened with me during my weight loss journey. One day, I looked over at my bookshelf and it was just full of books that confirmed my self-image that something was wrong with me, that I was broken, and that I had a weight issue. Diet books, how to be happy books.

And I had this realization that those intellectual consumptions were confirming a story about myself that was keeping me stuck in this toxic cycle, so I got rid of all of them. And I put beautiful books on my bookshelves; books about travel and style and architecture and home décor, books that I imagined the future me was reading, novels, just beautiful books that matched the frequency that I wanted to be in.

And those intentional selections changed me. In the moment, it seemed so small. What is a book going to do for me? But every time I looked at that book, I had new thoughts about myself and what was possible. So, be selective with your intellectual consumptions.

Another area that you can look at being more selective in is your time. Within the School of Self-Image membership, we have a whole section on time management, and I walk members through the Dream Atelier process where we really think about how we’re using our time and what is the result of it.

A question you can ask yourself that will really highlight how you’re using your time and if it’s effective is, “If I were to continue to use my time in this way for the rest of my life, would I be happy with the result?” That will reveal a lot to you.

So, for example, right now I’m recording this podcast. I’m being selective with how I use this time. And I can fast forward into the future and look at the result of using my time in this way for the rest of my life. And am I happy with this result? 100%.

The body of work that I am creating over the course of my lifetime, thinking about it from the end of my life, I will be very pleased and delighted with myself. However, yesterday – I’m going to call myself out here – I was hanging out with my mom and dad. We were watching a movie. And I realized that I was procrastinating on unpacking my luggage.

I’ve got into a really good habit. As soon as I get back from a trip, the first thing I do is I unpack. But my parents came in the very next day and so I’ve been putting it off. And so, I asked myself, if I continue to procrastinate on unpacking my luggage for the rest of my life, would I be happy with the result? And the answer was no. I would just have piles of clothes from trips that just were not attended to.

And so, with a curious eye, with love for yourself – this is not for you to beat yourself up with. Please, that doesn’t help any of us. That is not a good use of your time, by the way, beating yourself up. But with a lens of fascination, of getting to know yourself, just be curious about how you’re using your time and if you would be happy with the result if you continue to use it in this way.

The final area that I want to discuss during this episode where we can look at being more selective is with our food consumption. Now, I’ve talked about intellectual consumption, what you put into your brain. Now, we’re going to talk about what you put into your body.

Everything that you select from the foods you eat to what you drink is having an effect. And that effect is it’s either adding to the quality of your health and wellbeing, or it’s taking away.

Another way to think of this is it’s either increasing your vibration, increasing your energy, or it’s decreasing your vibration. It’s decreasing your energy. Now, this could be an entire episode in and of itself. I have a lot to say about this. I have a lot of thoughts about it. But all I want you to think about right now is, “Am I being selective with what I put into my body? Am I reading the labels? Do I even know what’s going into my body? Or am I just consuming things out of habit? Am I consuming things that confirm a self-image that is no longer serving me?”

And if the answer is yes, this is a beautiful opportunity for you to start making new selections to confirm how you want to see yourself. Maybe you want to see yourself as a woman who takes exquisite care of yourself. Maybe you want to see yourself as a healthy and fit woman. Maybe you want to see yourself as someone who loves herself so much that she only wants the best for herself.

What does she select in terms of what she puts into her body? Select things and people and foods and experiences that elevate you, that tune you into a different frequency and reject selecting things that keep you stuck, that keep confirming an identity that no longer serves you.

Let’s all decide right now that we are going to be more selective with what we allow into our lives. Have a beautiful week, everyone. I cannot wait to see you in next week’s episode.

Hey, have you grabbed your free copy of the School of Self-Image Manifesto? If not, what in the world? Head over to schoolofselfimage.com/manifesto and get a copy that teaches you how to think and show up in the areas of mindset, style, and surroundings so that you can transform your self-image.