A Love Letter to All the Mamas

Do you know what the mamas of the world don't get enough of? Love. Let's face it, it's a pretty thankless job and we get thanked once a year on Mother's Day, maybe twice or three times a year if we're lucky. So today, this episode is a dedication to all of the moms. This is my love letter to you. Let's dive in.

Welcome to the School of Self-image, where personal development meets style. Here's your hostess, master life coach, Tonya Leigh.

Hello, my friends. Today is all about the mamas. I want to give the mamas a love letter, the mamas who have little tiny ones who are keeping them up all night. The mamas who stay at home with their kids all day every day, to the mamas that work full-time jobs and feel like they don't have enough time with their kids, to the mamas who nurture other people's kids, to the mamas who maybe have adult children and now they have grandchildren. To all of the mamas listening, today's episode is for you. It is not planned. I have no notes. It is straight from my heart. We just celebrated Mother's Day in the US this past weekend, and I got spend time with my mom. And as we sat at the table on Sunday having brunch, I looked at her and I thought about our journey together as mom and daughter. I thought about when I was little and all of the sacrifices that she made for me that I didn't understand or quite frankly appreciate at the time.

I thought about how hard she worked to provide for me and my brother. And then I thought about my teenage years where I thought she was the most horrible human ever. And then I thought about the times when she was the only person I could think of that I could call and she would understand. And then I looked across at my daughter and I realized that we too have our own journey together and all of the things that I have felt and experienced during these 26 years of being her mom. And as I sat there, I just thought to myself, this is the most hard and beautiful and awful and amazing journey any person could go on, that of being a mother. Think about it. You bring this life into the world that you are responsible for. It's a part of you. You have such and hopes for this little being, and then you watch them start to grow and develop their own personality and have their own desires and wants that may sometimes conflict with yours.

And you clash, you fight, you argue, you discipline, you pray, you hope, you dream, and it just keeps going. I sometimes am just amazed that we choose to do this, and yet we do over and over again because for me personally, the rewards of being a mom, especially now that my daughter's older, far outweighs all of the moments where I thought to myself, why did I decide to do this? Can I return her? Because right now I don't like her. I love her, but I don't like her right now. And then that moment passes and the love is always there. It's always there for us mamas. We may not like them, but we always love them. But in the not liking of them and the not liking of our lives in the moment, we start to feel guilt. We start to feel a lot of heaviness around being a mother. We can lose ourselves in motherhood. We can be so hard on ourselves when we think we're not being perfect. We can blame ourselves for our little humans being humans.

And so today I wanted to offer you some thoughts, some ideas, some personal reflections that I've had that help us give back to love, that help us feel love for ourselves as a mother. Now, a big part of this podcast is going to be me talking about my personal journey as a mom, being transparent, being as real with you as I can possibly be. Because I do think sometimes we look at coaches or people on the internet where like, oh, they've got it all together. And motherhood has been the one area where I have had the least amount of confidence and the most amount of love, which makes for an interesting experience. But I decided to birth a double Aries into the world. My daughter, her son, and I think her rising sign are both an Aries, which means she is a fiery, fiery soul. She is fiercely independent. She's very opinionated, and she exhibited those signs as a very young girl.

In fact, I remember reading the parenting books because I wanted to get it right. I wanted to be that perfect parent, that perfect mother. If you looked at mother in the dictionary, you would see my face. Well, you won't see it because I did not live up to those standards. But I do remember reading, you know what? If you want to discipline your child the right way, you put them in time out. Now, I grew up in the deep south where we didn't get time-outs. We got switches, and I had made a vow I was not going to do that to my daughter. So very first time I practiced this, she's five years old, I put her in time out. Maybe she was four, four or five. I put her in time out and she picks up the chair and throws it down the stairs. And I'm thinking to myself, they didn't write a chapter about how to deal with this.

Now, keep in mind, I'm a single mom. I'm trying to be mom and dad. I'm trying to be the disciplinarian and the nurturer, and it was hard. It was very difficult. And do you know what's the most difficult for me? And it's probably what's the most difficult for you. Not only do you constantly feel like you are failing your child, but the comparison and the judgment that comes from others. In fact, even as I just said that, my young daughter picking up a chair and throwing it down the stairs, some of you may have felt some judgment. Some of you may have thought that would've never happened in my house, or yeah, my kid tried that be the last time, whatever. It's okay. I guess we all judge at times. But I've definitely experienced the judgment mostly from other mothers, which I find so crazy when we consider how hard it is to be a mom. This job is not easy.

So as a mom, when I see another mom, even though she may be doing it differently, I still celebrate her. And I have so much compassion for her because until you walk in her shoes, you do not understand. Every child is different. Everybody's experiences are different. And so when I really understood this, I stopped worrying about what everybody else was thinking. In fact, I have a friend, in fact, I have a friend that in the past would make some snarky comments about me as a mom. And then she would go on to talk about how amazing her kids are. And I found myself just always feeling like a failure around her and thinking, oh my God, I must be doing this wrong. Because Sarah's timeline has been different. For those of you who have listened to the podcast for any amount of time, she got really sick. And so she had to step out of life for four years and just really focus on health and healing. And now she's back in the game.

But I just found myself when I was around this friend, just constantly feeling like I was missing the mark, that she had it all figured out, and I was such a failure. And this isn't to blame her. She's not to blame. It was my own brain creating all of it. But I looked in my own head and I could see why I felt that way. Again, she's a better parent. She has it all figured out. I've made so many mistakes, I'm not doing this right. Does this sound familiar to any of you? And one day I just decided I was done with that, I decided that I was a great mother. I decided that everything has happened the way it was supposed to. I decided that Sarah chose me as her mom, and I chose her as my daughter. And we've had the exact relationship we were meant to have. And then from that place, I started to look for all of the blessings. I started to look for how I have been an amazing mom, how I love her immensely.

I started to celebrate all of her progress. And within all of that, I just felt this heavy-weight lift off of my chest because when you walk around as a mom, knowing how much you love your kids, and then on top of that feeling like you're constantly failing at raising them, feeling like you are missing the mark, feeling like you're doing it wrong, that's a big, big burden to carry. And I just love to get back to love. I find that when I'm in that state of love, love for myself, love for my child, love for my life, then all of that heaviness falls away. And so what would it look like if you loved yourself more as a mother, if you gave yourself grace, the same kind of grace you give your kids and probably everybody else? What if you extended that to yourself? What if you didn't expect yourself to be perfect, but you expected yourself to do the best you can at any point? And sometimes that best may not seem like the best, but it is at that point in your life.

Approaching motherhood from that place, from that energy, it makes it so much more enjoyable. It's hard to enjoy something when you are constantly telling yourself you're failing at it. It's hard to enjoy something when you are constantly reminding yourself of how you're missing the mark. All of that's a construct of the mind. And so as a love letter to you, I really encourage you to decide today that you're an amazing mom, that you know love your kids and you're always doing the best that you can. That leads me to my next point that I want to talk about, and that is the guilt that we experience as mothers. We have guilt over our reactions. We have guilt over our decisions. We have guilt for not spending enough time with our kids. We have guilt for not making them dinner every single night of the week. We have guilt about letting them sit in a wet diaper too long, or we have guilt about letting them go out with friends.

It's like it's everywhere. Guilt is always an option, but do you know what else is an option? Innocence. Really think about that. Innocence means harmless in intent. And as loving moms, we never have bad intentions. It's always our best intentions. And so knowing that you can begin to drop the guilt, guilt is not required to be an amazing mother. Do you know what else is it required to be an amazing mom? Making your life all about your kids. I have coached so many women who have forgotten who they are. They have forgotten what they love and they want to get back to that. But they have this internal conflict of I can't be a mom and also have my own needs, my own life outside of motherhood.

And I'm here to offer you. You absolutely, 100% can. In fact, I want to challenge you to consider that by you doing that, you are going to set such a healthy example to your kids how they don't have to lose themselves into parenthood. So moms, hear me. I want you to remember this mantra. Your needs matter too. Taking care of yourself, enjoying life outside of your kids is not selfish. If anything, it allows you to show up better for your children. Aren't you happier when you are taking care of yourself? Aren't you happier when you are doing things that bring you joy? Not that your kids don't bring you joy, but let's face it, 24/7 focused on our kids, that can become exhausting and we can lose ourselves. And the more we lose ourselves, the more we turn to our kids and to motherhood to find our meaning.

And my experience has been that the cycle is driven out of guilt. You want to be a good mom, so you overcompensate. You make your kids your entire life, but if you take a step back, you can see how it's being driven out of the wrong energy for the most part. Now, there are some women who that's what their choice is and they love that choice, but for the majority of us, we want a life outside of our kids. And we even feel guilty for saying that. We think that makes us a bad mom. But I'm here to offer you, it makes you a human. It makes you a woman. You're a mom, yes, but you're also a woman who has needs and unique desires outside of motherhood. It's okay to explore those things. It's okay to make time for those things. And if anything, it's going to make you an even better mom.

This is one area that I do feel like I did a good job in. There are other areas where my brain tries to convince me that I didn't. But when it comes to having a life outside of motherhood, I always did. I had my hobbies, I had my business, I had friends, I traveled, and I found a really good balance between being a woman and a mother. And Sarah's told me on several occasions that she's so glad that I gave her that example. Because I think when we think about our children, especially our daughters, we don't want them to be all consumed by their own kids. We want them to have a full life. And guess what? They need to see that example from you. So if you have any guilt, any reservation around doing the exploration of your own desires and needs, I want to offer you that your needs matter.

This isn't just about your kids and your family. They need you to be happy and strong, and that can only happen if you take care of you. The other thing moms, is we don't have to do it all by ourselves. It is okay to ask for help. It doesn't make you weak. It doesn't make you a bad mother. It makes you a human. And I miss those days where a village would come together to help you with your kids. Times have changed because it seems like we're trying to do this in our own little small bubble, and it's hard, but all you have to do is ask for help. There are people out there who want to help you, who want to support you, and it's okay. In fact, I don't think it's just okay. I think it is healthy because we need each other.

I also want to offer you that it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to not like your children sometimes. It's okay to have negative thoughts about being a mom. It's okay. In fact, not only is it okay, I think it's quite normal. And I think we need to normalize these conversations because again, I think that guilt can grasp us whenever we start thinking negative thoughts about our kids or negative thoughts about situations, or negative thoughts about being a mom, that is normal. You will not meet any mother if she is being open and honest that won't say, there are times that I wish I could pack my bags and just move away. Yeah, I'd probably come back, but sometimes I fantasize about it and that's okay. What's not okay is you beating yourself up for having those thoughts. What's not okay is the immense amount of guilt and shame you may feel for being a human being.

It's important that you acknowledge your emotions. It's important that you recognize sometimes, yeah, this is really difficult and I'm struggling. And that might be when you want to reach out and ask for help. You may want to find a therapist or a coach, or you may want to ask people in the community, Hey, can you come over? I really need a break right now. I think sometimes we fantasize motherhood and we're like, oh, it's going to be baby carriages and cute clothes and birthday parties and ponies, and then reality hits, and we're like, what happened to this fantasy that I had in my head? And you start to have all of these negative thoughts about what have I done? I'm doing this terribly. I don't like my child right now. I wish I could just leave. And that's normal. That's okay. It's part shattering your fantasy and it's part just sheer frustration.

But recognize that you're a human being and you're doing a lot. And sometimes it's the most thankless work. Does anyone walk up to you and say, thank you for being a mom today? Chances are you may not have heard that even this past year. Well, maybe you just heard it on Mother's Day, maybe once a year you hear it, but we don't often hear that, and we're dealing with a lot. So it's normal that you're going to be frustrated sometimes. It's normal that you're going to have some negative thoughts, but again, what's not okay is you beating yourself up for that. Oh my God, I could keep going on this topic. I told you this is totally off the cuff, no notes just talking from my heart. But the last thing that I want to say is this. You are enough. Really, let that sink in. You are enough. Please let the idea go of being a perfect mom. She does not exist. I have yet to meet one, which is very relieving.

I've met those who tried to pretend that they are, but I know that they're not because we're human beings. We're not perfect. But you're a good mom. You're doing your best, even if the house is a mess, even if you've been serving mac and cheese for the last four nights, even if your kid's failing at math, you know what? You're still doing a good job, mom. You're not here to be perfect. You're here to love. You're here to learn. You're here to grow right alongside your kids. I think about Sarah Hatter when I was 22, I was a baby myself, doing the best I could, and there have been a lot of bumps and bruises and mistakes made, but those mistakes have been opportunities to learn. How else do we learn? Don't beat yourself up for your missteps and don't use these mistakes as a reason to tell yourself that you're not enough.

The mistakes you learn as a parent, they're there to teach you what you can do better next time. But do you know what else you've made? A lot of great choices. You have done a lot of amazing things as a mom. Do you ever spend time thinking about that, celebrating that? Probably not. And I really encourage you to, because you are a good mom and your kids, they are so lucky to have you. Have a beautiful day, my friend. I'll see you on next week's episode. Cheers.

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