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Hi Friends! Today, I’m bringing back a “Dear Tonya” podcast where I’m answering listener’s questions based on last weeks post on The #1 Killer of Charm. For the full episode, make sure to listen to the podcast. However, if you want a quick summary, check out the notes down below.
QUESTION: Hey Tonya! I loved your last podcast about charm. What advice can you give to someone like myself who is shy and introverted? It’s so difficult to feel charming when I’m afraid of putting myself out there. ~ Jill
ANSWER: Great question! First of all, let’s differentiate between shy and being introverted. Two very different types. While they often show the same behaviors — spending time alone, limiting time in big crowds, etc. — but the thoughts driving these behaviors are very different for each. An introvert becomes drained after spending time with others, and therefore, enjoys time spent alone. A shy person wants to spend time with others but is afraid of social disapproval and judgment.
It’s important that you understand if you’re actually shy or introverted. Perhaps, you’re a bit of both. So, how do you know? Just look at your thoughts driving your alone time. Let’s think about a party. An introvert needs to step outside, not because they are afraid of judgment, but because they are so drained from the social interaction. It’s a form of self-care. It comes from a place of love. For the shy person, she steps outside because she’s afraid of rejection, so she escapes the crowd out of fear.
As for charm, it’s a huge misconception to think that only extroverted people are charming. This is NOT true. In fact, introverted people often have incredible social skills. They tend to be great listeners who enjoy deep conversation. Just like extroverts, they can be in large crowds and socialize effectively. The difference is that they get drained quickly.
However, for the shy person, it’s important to address the fear driving the behaviors so that you can show up as the best version of yourself in social situations. It’s also important to craft a new self-image that supports the woman you desire to be in social situations and in life. Because, inevitably, we become the image we hold for ourselves.
QUESTION: Your last podcast about the #1 Killer of Charm really hit home. I am notorious for wanting to be liked and ignoring my own needs. For example, I have a wedding of a family member coming up in the next few months. I feel like I have to go, but I don’t want to because I’ve gained so much weight. I’m embarrassed and humiliated at how big I’ve become since they saw me last. Plus, I’m tired of doing what I think I “should” do. What do you think? Should I stay or go, Tonya?
ANSWER: Okay, girlfriend, let’s dissect this question. We have 2 very different things going on here. There’s the part of not wanting to go out of embarrassment of your weight gain. Then, we have the part of thinking you “should” go. You need to clean up y0ur thinking so that you’re making a decision from a clean state, not out of fear.
It’s important to understand that your humiliation and embarrassment has nothing to do with how much weight you’ve gained. It’s created from the story in your mind. Also, if you fear their judgment, I want you to ask yourself, “So what if they talk about how much weight you’ve gained?” What if you became the kind of woman who wasn’t afraid of others judging you? Imagine all that you’d do and become.
When I’m feeling torn about decisions, I pretend that I’ll be insanely happy and successful with both options and then I decide. The most important thing is that I like my reason.
So, should you stay or go? Ask yourself this: “If I was at my ideal weight, would I want to go?” What does your heart say? That is your answer.
QUESTION: Thank you so much for your podcast. I often listen to an episode more than once to let it sink in. Your last one about the #1 Killer of Charm was incredible. I really want to become a woman who doesn’t concern herself with being liked. But, I keep wondering if it’s unhealthy to not care about what others think. What are your thoughts? ~ Alaina
ANSWER: This is such a great question because we often think that if we don’t care what others think, we’ll stop being kind and caring people. I have found the opposite to be true. The less I care about what others think, the more kind and caring I am.
Let’s look at why: when we care about what others are thinking, we often become manipulative trying to change other’s behaviors and perceptions in order to feel better. That’s not caring; that’s deceitful. Right?
However, when we focus on what we can manage — what WE think — we can allow others to be who they are and not need them to behave a certain way in order for us to feel good.
Isn’t that the most loving way to be? Deciding on purpose who YOU want to be and allowing others to be who they need to be.
QUESTION: I’m craving friendship, but I have this belief that people don’t want me around, so I don’t put myself out there. It’s terrifying. How can I get over this?
ANSWER: Of course it’s terrifying when you believe that no one wants you around. However, I hope that you can see that this is just a thought, and probably one that you’ve thought for a long time, so it really seems true.
But, notice when you think, “No one wants me around,” how you feel. Probably anxious, fear, terrified. And, when you feel those types of emotions, how do you show up with others? You probably avoid it like the plague, right? So then you prove to yourself that no one wants you around because you don’t allow yourself to be around people.’
I want YOU to see that you’re the one creating it all because that’s how you can change it.
To get over it, you must see your pattern and begin to peel back all the layers that have created this BS story that you have about yourself.
The deeper question here is: Do you want to be around you? That’s where your work begins, because how can we expect others to want to be around us when we don’t even want to be around ourselves. When you start wanting you, you’ll stop needing the world to, and that’s when crazily enough: you can’t keep people away. They become magnetized to your presence.
QUESTION: How does a woman make herself more attractive? I am in the dating world, and I want to feel that I’m doing everything I can to attract my ideal guy. Thanks for your thoughts and advice. ~ Charmaine
ANSWER: The answer is simple: be attracted to yourself. Think attractive thoughts. Dress to impress yourself. Decide that you’re going to live in a beautiful state no matter what. Be more playful in conversations with others. Fully appreciate this moment and everyone who’s in it. Be the kind of woman you’d want to date. And, then let go and enjoy the people you meet trusting that your ideal partner will come along, and when he does, he’ll just be the cherry on top of your already amazing life.
JOIN THE CHIC CONVERSATION: Do you have any Qs about charm? Drop them in the comments below and I may feature in an upcoming “Dear Tonya” episode or FB Live.
The Self-Image Manifesto
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