The Soft Life vs. The Hustle Culture

What if you didn't have to choose between going after big dreams and living a soft, beautiful life? What if you could have both? The ambition and the ease, the structure and the spaciousness? In today's episode, we're exploring the contrast between hustle culture and the soft life, and why neither one on its own is enough to create the life you truly crave. Because the magic, it lives in the rhythm, in the blend, and what I call joyfully hustling. So let's dive in.

Welcome to the School of Self-Image, where personal development meets style. Here's your hostess, master life coach, Tonya Leigh.

Hello my friends. Welcome back to the podcast. And hey, if it's your first time tuning in, I am so glad that you have stumbled into my world where I talk about all things self-image, the one thing that is influencing every area of your life. And I'm excited about today's episode because I'm actually recording this in my new studio where eventually I am going to be doing video podcast.

So many of you have asked, why aren't you doing these on video? And the reality is, I have taken the path of least resistance. There's such an ease to doing audio only. I can do it in my robe, I can record these when I'm on the road. Most recently I've been going back and forth to my parents a lot to be with my dad and to help my mom so I can just pack up my laptop and my microphone and literally record these anywhere. And I also know that where I experience resistance is also the area that is calling me to grow. And so very soon once we get all of the equipment set up, I am going to be doing at least most of these on video. So stay tuned for that. Now, I have to tell you something, I am so proud of myself today, and here's why. I'm recording this on a Sunday.

Typically, I don't work on the weekends, but over the last few days, let's see, Thursday and Friday I was doing a photo and video shoot. And so it was two full days. And then yesterday, me and my friend spent the day running around taking care of some errands. And so it's just been a lot over the last three days. And so I woke up this morning and I told Fonz, I'm like, this is my reset day. I want to get some things done because my team is coming into town tomorrow for a few days. And so I just wanted time to get ready for next week, to get some work done ahead of time. Plus I'm going out of town next week. Now here's why I'm proud of myself. I had my plan, I had everything figured out, all of the things I wanted to accomplish today, and I was so excited.

And then around 11, 11:30, Fonz says, "Hey, two of our good friends just texted and they want to know if we want to go to brunch." And not only is it a brunch, it's a jazz brunch. Now if my soul has a love language, it's brunch and jazz on a Sunday. And I said, no. I told him, I'm like, "Babe, why don't you go? You go have fun. I am going to stay committed to my original plan." And so right now as I'm recording this, he is enjoying jazz and brunch on a Sunday and I'm here with you and I could not be more delighted. And this is actually a really great segue into today's topic, which is the soft life versus the hustle culture.

Recently I had someone say to me, "Tonya, you live such a soft life." And when I think back to my early days of starting my business, when I think back to my previous brand, which was called French Kiss Life, which was all about loving life, romanticizing life, enjoying the pleasures of life, enjoying beauty, creating beauty, all of that, I have had soft elements to my life throughout my life and my life has also been hard.

Even today when this person said this to me, I had to clarify that even today I experience hard days. I have hard moments. A lot of those I choose on purpose. I have seasons of my life that are full of hustle. I also have seasons of my life that have more leisure. And I think we live in a world where we're told that we have to pick a side. We either have to pick the soft life or the hustle culture, but what if the answer is both? What if the soul thrives in contrast? And that's what I want to explore with you today. So let's start by talking about the soft life. What is it? Now, if you've spent even 10 minutes on Instagram or TikTok lately, you've probably seen someone sipping a matcha latte in silk pajamas, journaling in some sun-drenched room with a caption like "soft girl era activated."

And let me tell you, I am here for it, but I want to go deeper than just the aesthetic. What does a soft life mean? And to me, it's about intentional ease. It's this lifestyle that's built around pleasure, presence, and peace. It's choosing beauty not as a luxury, but as a necessity for the soul. To me, it's saying, "I don't have to hustle for my worth. I get to live well now, not someday." It's saying, "rest is not a reward. It's part of the recipe." Now let me be clear. I love productivity. I have classes on it within my membership. I feel like I'm a very productive person. I love getting things done. It's in my DNA, thanks to my mama. But the soft life isn't about doing nothing. It's about doing everything from a different energy, from calm, from clarity, from alignment. Let me give you an example.

It was a Tuesday and I had a break between my meetings and during my hustle days, I would've used that time to mindlessly check emails or scroll my phone. But instead what I did is I went and lit a candle and I turned on some Miles Davis. And for whatever reason, I had this urge to go and organize my pantry. And I listened to the urge. It wasn't on my to-do list. I just felt like it was something I wanted to do. And it was such a luxurious feeling. It didn't cost me any money, but it gave me this feeling of sovereignty, of being in control of my time, of choosing to move through my world slowly and intentionally and on my own terms. And to me, that's a soft life. It's choosing to rest when your body asks for it. It's drinking your coffee hot instead of reheating it five times while running around in chaos. It's dressing for how you want to feel, not just because it's appropriate, it's also being okay with silence, with space, with doing less, but feeling more.

Now, I want to address one misconception real quick because I know some people hear soft life and they can think lazy, unmotivated, checked out. That's not what it is. It isn't about avoidance, it's about awareness. It's not weak. It's wise. It's not escaping your responsibilities, it's choosing to approach them with grace, not grind. So if you've been feeling that calling to slow down, to savor more, to find your flow again, you're not failing, you're just evolving. Because the truth is soft is powerful. I always tell Fonz, soft things don't break. It's present, it's magnetic, and it's a choice in a world that constantly tells you to be hard, to be fast and to numb out, to ignore how you feel. And if no one's told you lately, you're allowed to choose softness. In fact, your nervous system might be begging you to. Now if you're already uncomfortable with this concept because you're worried that it's going to impact your life in a negative way, that you're not going to get things done.

We're going to talk about hustle in a moment because I've got some thoughts there too. But first I want to ask you, when was the last time you let yourself be soft, like really soft, no performance, no guilt? I want you to let that question linger because what comes up might tell you everything you need to know. So now let's talk about the other side of the coin from the soft life, which is hustle culture. Now I want to be really clear upfront. I am not here to demonize hustle. In fact, I believe that hustle in the right season with the right mindset can be powerful, even sacred. So much of what I am experiencing now in my life is because of that hustle within me. But hustle culture, that is a different story because in hustle culture, what happens is often productivity becomes your identity.

Busyness is glorified. Rest can be seen as a weakness. It's that unspoken pressure that says if you're not doing the most, you're falling behind. If you're not exhausted, you're not successful. If you're not available 24/7, are you even serious? And it's being broadcasted to us all day, every day. And usually it's from men. It's from a very masculine energy. And the reality is we need feminine and masculine. No matter if you’re a man or a woman, you need to integrate both in order to live a harmonious life. But when you're operating too much in the feminine or too much in the masculine, that's when things can start to feel off balance, off center. But here's the thing, hustle in its purest form isn't the enemy because sometimes life requires some hustle. It's asking you to show up bigger, dig deeper, stretch further. And I've had a few seasons like that.

One in particular that stands out was... Gosh, what was it? Time flies so fast. But I think it was about five, six years ago, my daughter became extremely sick out of nowhere. And suddenly I found my priorities having to shift. And yet I still had a business to run, clients to serve, a team to lead. And I was juggling it all while attempting to be present with her and to support her. It was not glamorous, y'all. It wasn't curated. It was real raw hustle, but it wasn't hustle from a place of panic or performance. It was a hustle from love, from necessity, from this deep inner strength that I didn't even know I had yet. And you know what? That season grew me more than any season that I have been in in my life or my business. It showed me how much capacity I actually have.

It expanded my confidence. It revealed a grit in me that I now carry forward in everything I do. I could not have experienced that in the soft life, which is why I believe the soft life in and of itself isn't the worthy goal. I don't think that we should go after the soft life. I believe in going after the life that will grow and fulfill us the most, which happens to be a blend of the two. But there is a positive side to hustle. It builds resilience. It helps you trust yourself. It teaches you how to lead under pressure. It expands your capacity. Now, I will say I've been very intentional over the years about building my business with a rhythm of slow, steady growth. I don't believe in constant hustle. I don't believe in burnout is a badge of honor. Most of my days have been both hustle with some softness in them.

I have focused on work and long walks. I have focused on planning meetings and flower arranging. It's like discipline and delight. And to me that is the beautiful magical combo and it's what I call the art of joyful hustle. But we're going to get to that in just a moment. For now, I just want to draw a distinction. Hustle becomes toxic when it's driven by fear. The fear of not being enough, the fear of falling behind, the fear that rest will somehow make you irrelevant. But when hustle is fueled by devotion to your work, to your purpose, to your people, it is beautiful. It's potent, it's powerful. So if you're in a hustle season right now and it feels aligned and focused and rooted in love. Don't question it, own it, show up for it. Let it shape you. Enjoy it. I actually have enjoyed the hustle seasons of my life.

I even love my hustle now. I love waking up to those full days that challenge me, and I even question how am I going to get it all done? But those are the moments that really grow me the most. But I know that I enjoy those hustle days and those hustle seasons because I always give myself a soft place to land. But one thing I want to warn you about with the hustle, you don't have to live there forever and you certainly don't have to live there alone. Your worth isn't measured by how exhausted you are. You don't need to earn your rest. In your life, it's allowed to have seasons, some for sewing, some for blooming, some for curling up under a blanket with a novel and a little too much whipped cream. It's all good. So the question really becomes, are you hustling because it's required or because it's your default?

And is your hustle aligned with the woman you're becoming? We're actually going to talk about how to blend hustle with softness in just a moment. But first, let's talk about why neither extreme works long-term. Because the reality is, the soul thrives in contrast, think about it. Neither one can survive on its own. If you want to live a full vibrant soul-led life, you need both. Because soft life without structure can turn into avoidance and hustle without softness turns into depletion. The soul craves contrast. Think about it, the magic of a long, luxurious weekend. It hits different when you've had a focused, productive week. I think about the gym. Going to the gym, it's so hard. You have to really work. You have to feel that discomfort and getting into the tub that night is just appreciated so much more when your muscles are a little tired and sore, we need contrast to appreciate our life.

You don't understand joy if you've never experienced sadness, you don't appreciate success unless you've had some failure. It is life's contrast that makes life so rich, full of texture and meaning. And yet so often we want one without the other, but it doesn't work that way. And the same goes with the soft life versus the hustle culture. And this isn't just philosophy y'all, it's physiology. Your body literally wasn't designed to be on all of the time. Our nervous systems are built for rhythm, expansion and contraction, activation and rest, doing and being. There's a whole field of research on this, particularly around the autonomic nervous system which governs your fight or flight response and your rest and digest state. And here's the beautiful part, you're meant to cycle between these states. That's what keeps you healthy, creative, emotionally balanced and intuitive. It's when we get stuck in one, always stuck in hustle mode, which would be sympathetic overdrive, or always checked out, which is like a parasympathetic freeze.

That burnout, fatigue, anxiety, and even depression can creep in. Think of your nervous system like your breath. You inhale and you exhale. You don't just breathe in all day, you need the release or you can think about your heartbeat. There's a beat and then there's a rest. Beat, rest, beat, rest is the alternation that creates life. Even your brain thrives in contrast. There are studies showing that people who take intentional rest breaks between focused work sessions, even something as simple as 10 minute walks outside or a few minutes of daydreaming, they show increased creativity, problem solving and emotional regulation. So this isn't just about me being poetic. Your body knows what you need. The question is, are you listening? Because here's what I've discovered, once you start tuning in, really listening, you'll notice your body, your energy, your intuition, all are asking for something different in different moments.

Sometimes you crave structure, direction, strategy. You want the plan, the checklist, the clean inbox. And that's a beautiful thing. I want that too. But when you tune in, you'll notice that there are other times that you need softness, space, sensation. You want to float in a bath, you want to feel the sun on your skin. You want to create just for the joy of it. And that's not just moodiness, that's energy. It's the dance of the feminine and the masculine within you. Now, stay with me here. I'm not talking about gender. I'm talking about energy, two archetypal forces that we all hold and that we're meant to move between. You see, the masculine is all about doing, direction, structure, discipline, focus, planning. I like to think of it as your CEO energy. It builds the container. The feminine is about being, about feeling, flow, creativity, intuition, receptivity.

It's that muse energy. It fills the container with beauty, meaning, and life. And here's the magic. When these energies are in harmony, that's when you feel on. Alive, grounded, expressed, magnetic. But when they're out of balance, that's when things can get, I don't know, crunchy. That's a good word for it. Too much masculine energy, and you feel rigid, burned out, controlling. You might be checking the boxes, but you feel dry, disconnected from joy. And I have had those moments in my life and I realized in those moments I was forgetting to do the smallest of things, like light candles, turn on music, add in that feminine softness. But let's talk about too much feminine energy, which is the state that I typically live the most in. And there have been periods of my life where I realized I needed more of the masculine because when you have too much feminine energy, you can feel ungrounded, scattered, a lot of dreaming, but not a lot of doing.

You have vision but no momentum. The goal isn't balanced like a perfect 50/50 split every day. The goal is rhythm, movement, knowing how to lean into one and then the other. It's like this beautiful dance. In the morning, I might be more in my feminine where I am listening to music, I am going for a walk, I'm journaling, I'm dreaming, I'm savoring my coffee. And the afternoons might be more about being in my masculine, writing my content, planning, checking in with my team, serving my clients, strategy, all of the things that bring my vision to life. That's the gift of self-awareness. And honestly, that's where personal style, emotional intelligence and success really start to blend. You become a woman who knows how to work with her own energy instead of against it, and that is powerful. So let me ask you, which energy do you think you've been living in lately?

And do this without judgment. Judgment doesn't serve you. Being critical of your answers only hold you back. I want you to do this from a place of curiosity and awareness. Neither one is right or wrong, they're just tools, and you get to choose what to lead with. So now that you are starting to notice which energy you've been living in, the fire or the flow, let's go a little bit deeper because awareness is powerful, but questions, well, questions can unlock the next level. So I want to share some questions that I come back to again and again, especially when I feel out of sync or off rhythm or like I'm veering too far into one energy and neglecting the other. These questions are meant to guide you gently back to yourself, to your truth, not to judge or to fix, but just to listen and recalibrate.

So the first one is, where in my life am I hustling to prove something instead of creating something I love? Because sometimes hustle sneaks in wearing the costume of ambition, but underneath it's just fear. Fear of not being enough, fear of falling behind, fear of being forgotten. This question helps you realign your hustle with purpose. The second question is, where am I using softness to avoid action I know I need to take, this is a big one because the soft life is seductive and it should be. But sometimes what looks like self-care is actually procrastination in a prettier outfit, only you can know the difference. The third question is, what would hustle look like if it felt joyful, not punishing? This is where we start to play. What if working on that project felt like a creative fire instead of a grind? What if you put on lipstick and made a whole vibe out of it?

What if hustle became an embodied expression of your vision? The next question, where do I need more structure? Where do I need more softness? This one's for your calendar, your mindset and your energy. Maybe you need to get up at the same time every morning to build trust with yourself, or maybe you need to stop over scheduling and leave some room for inspiration. You might notice that there are areas of your life that require different things. For example, maybe in your family life you are needing more softness, but maybe in your career or your business, you are needing more hustle. The next question is a powerful one, especially for those of you who may be very disconnected from your body. You spend a lot of time in your head and you give very little attention to your physical sensations and what your body needs. And so the question is, what is my body craving right now?

Effort or ease? There are seasons for both. When it comes to your body, I think about working out. I put forth the effort, but then following that workout, my body craves rest. It craves ease. This is a simple, direct and powerful question because your body knows you don't have to override her. You just need to listen. The next question is, am I hustling for validation or for a vision I deeply believe in. This one hits because you need to ask yourself, are you moving towards something that feels like you or just trying to keep up with Joneses, trying to keep up with what you think success is supposed to look like. Recently within the membership, I made quite a significant change. It was one word, but it's made all of the difference. So for years since I started the School of Self-Image, I asked every member to choose an extraordinary goal for the year.

And unfortunately, women took that word and used it against them. They started looking at what other women were choosing as their goal. They started to think about what does the world think is extraordinary, not what was extraordinary to them. And I could see how some of the women were using that one word as a weapon against themselves. And all along, all I have ever wanted for everyone that I have ever worked with was for them to choose goals that were true to their soul, to their essence, because that is extraordinary. And for some women, it looks the opposite of what society has told them is extraordinary, what society has told them success looks like. And so in our most recent update to the membership, I changed one word that has made all of the difference. Extraordinary goals became signature goals. Because think about it, everybody has their own unique signature.

No one signs their name like you. It's unique to you, it's special to you. It is yours and yours alone. And that's how I think about goals. I want the women that I work with to choose goals that grow them and stretch them and are unique to their soul. Who cares what the world thinks? This is what success is for you. And when you capture that and you start working towards that, the hustle becomes fun and you use softness to support the hustle. The final question is, what kind of life am I softening into? Because the soft life isn't about zoning out, it's about zoning in. Into pleasure, into presence, into what you really want your life to feel like. I recently asked myself this question, and here's what I discovered for myself. I am softening into a life that feels like Sunday mornings slow, warm and full of light.

A life where my ambition is rooted in devotion, not pressure, where my big dreams are pursued with grace, not grind. A life where ease coexists with excellence. And my presence is more powerful than any performance. I want to create with purpose. I want to have clarity and I want to receive with openness. I want my ambition not to burn me out, but for it to light my way. And that's the vision I hold. It's not a perfect balance, but a rhythm that feels like me. And it really boils down to the art of joyfully hustling. Let's talk about what this looks like daily because I have often said that a well lived life is nothing more than a collection of well lived days. And I know the tendency to think about the big vision, the three-year picture, the 10-year goals, but it always comes back to how you live this day.

And I don't know about y'all, but just focusing on one day at a time feels so much more doable. And I just know from so much evidence now that intentionally creating your days leads to a life beyond your wildest dreams. Because it's one thing to understand the value of balancing hustle and success, but you need to figure out how to live that way when your real life is happening. How do you hold space for both your ambition and your wellbeing every single day? And for me, that happens through a practice I call The Curated Day. This is something that we do within the School of Self-Image membership and it's become one of the most beloved practices of our community. It's how we anchor our intentions into our daily lives. Not just hoping that we feel aligned, but actually choosing to. It's not about having the perfect schedule, it's not about doing all the things.

It's about designing your day with your energy, your desires, and your self-image in mind. The curated day is a journal ritual that helps me stay connected to the woman I'm becoming and then shaping my day from her perspective. And we do it with a few prompts. It's nothing complicated or overwhelming. It's feminine, it's focused, and it's completely customizable. Every day you get to choose what gets your energy that day, how you want to feel, what you need to let go of, where you'll infuse your softness and where you'll show up with strength. It is a daily check-in with your truest self, not your calendar, not your obligations, but your vision. And the beauty of it is once you set that intention in the morning, your day just starts to flow differently. You respond instead of react, you lead instead of chase. You feel more in tune with yourself, your time, your priorities.

Now, I don't have time to go over the entire curated day, but I will say this, this one simple practice has helped thousands of women go from scattered and over-committed to feeling grounded, radiant, and in command of their day. Because when you live a curated day, guess what? You create a curated life. A curated life is about choosing better. It's choosing how you spend your time, your energy, your money, your attention, and making those choices from the lens of the woman you're becoming. It's not about perfection or control, it's about intention. Just like a stylist curates a wardrobe or a designer curates a space, a curated life is one where you are the editor, the visionary, the one who decides what stays, what goes, and what gets elevated. So here's one thing I want you to try this week. Every morning before you grab your phone or dive into your day, ask yourself, what kind of energy do I want to bring into today?

You get to decide. Don't wake up and let life dictate to you what your energy will be. You decide what kind of energy you are going to bring into your life because your energy is attracting and repelling all day, every day. You want to choose your energy on purpose. So just start there and then ask yourself after that question, what's one small way I can express that energy through my choices, my style, my schedule, or even just how I move through the day? Let that be your intention. One question, one choice, one shift. You do that over and over on a daily basis and you will feel so much different a week from now. And imagine doing this week after week, how you'll feel one year from now. You don't need a full plan to feel powerful, my friends. You just need moment of clarity and the decision to live on purpose.

That's what we do inside the School of Self-Image every day. We're not trying to do more. We're choosing to do what matters. So I want to leave y'all with this. Your life is not a problem to solve. It's a masterpiece to curate. You don't have to choose between hustle and softness. You don't have to live in extremes. The extremes is what makes us so tired. The extremes are what makes us so frustrated. The answer I have discovered in life is often found in the in-between. And as it relates to the soft life versus the hustle culture, the answer is found in you finding your rhythm. One that includes ambition and ease, structure and spaciousness, focus and flow. A rhythm that doesn't drain you but delights you. This is what it means to live a curated life. It's not about having it all figured out, because no one does. I don't care what they tell you.

It's about being awake to your own design, choosing what belongs in your day, your energy, your wardrobe, your thoughts, and letting go of what doesn't. So this week I invite you to pause, to soften or to hustle, to listen and ask yourself, what kind of energy do I want to live in? What would it look like to show up with devotion without the pressure? And I want you to remember this. You don't have to hustle harder to be successful, and you don't have to be soft all the time to be spiritual. You are allowed to be powerful and peaceful. You're allowed to be focused and feminine. You're allowed to want more and feel good on the way there. And to me, that is the art of joyfully hustling. I am so grateful that I got to share today with you and know this. I am cheering you on in your hustle and your softness, and in every beautifully curated moment in between. Have a beautiful, beautiful week, my friends and I will see you on next week's episode. Cheers.