[Summer Series] How to Use Style to Reinvent Yourself

Welcome to the summer series. In this episode, we are talking about one of my favorite topics, which is style. You see, every style choice you make, whether it's how you style your hair, your home or your outfit of the day, it's sending a message to yourself about who you believe yourself to be. Style is a powerful tool for reinvention, so if you feel like you're in a rut or you've just lost your spark, you're feeling a little bit blah, and you're ready for your glow up, maybe it's time to head into your closet and start making intentional choices. That's what we're talking about in this episode. So let's dive in.

Welcome to the School of Self-Image, where personal development meets style. Here's your hostess, master life coach, Tonya Leigh.

Hello, hello friends. Welcome back to another episode of the summer series where you know we had to talk about one of my favorite things, and that is style. I've talked about style many, many times on this podcast. I've talked about the impact that it's had on my life, and specifically how to use style to reinvent yourself, which is what this episode is all about that we're going to be revisiting. But I was thinking this morning where I am today in my life and the role that style plays, and it's still a huge part in my life because whether we realize it or not, it's a huge part of all of our lives because style is simply how you express yourself in the world. It's how you do life, and part of that is how you dress.

Now, I've had many, many eras in my style journey. I remember at one point just using style to help me feel better. Just reaching for a different outfit, that got me out of a bad mood, and I still do that to this day. But it was less about what the outfit looked like, and it was more about am I putting effort in? Am I confirming a better mood? Am I reaching for something that feels better? Because there was a time in my life where I was really down. I woke up every day for a period of time thinking, "God, is this it? Is this all there is?" Just getting up, going to work, coming home, taking care of my daughter, and style gave me a little glimmer that my every day could feel a little bit more special.

And so I would just reach for a pair of earrings or a dress instead of wearing sweatpants around the house all day. It was the little things. And then I went through an era, and I think this is really normal, especially in your twenties and thirties, especially for those of us who didn't grow up with a lot. We can begin to use style to confirm this image of ourselves that we are worthy, that we have made it or we're on our way to making it. And that's where, for me, I went through my whole designer phase. And the reality is clothes don't make you worthy. They don't. And if we're all being honest, a lot of the reasons why perhaps we wear designer, especially designer handbags, is that we want the world to see us a certain way.

Now, of course, I do love quality. I love a beautiful handbag, but I'm in a whole different state of my life now, and I feel like I've gotten to my true style. Now, I am not going to sit here and tell you I will never purchase another designer handbag, but maybe I won't. I don't feel that... What's the word I'm looking for? I don't feel that need. I don't feel that urge that I used to have. Total side note here, but I have found several handbag companies that I absolutely love. They're quality, but you don't have to take out a second mortgage to purchase one. Brands like Polene, DeMellier based out of London, beautiful, well-crafted handbags that look good, they have many different styles and they're affordable. I mean, they're not cheap, but again, they're not thousands of dollars.

So as I was sitting here thinking about how I'm using style these days to reinvent myself, it looks completely different than it did a decade ago. These days, I'm using style to tell the story of a woman who's intentional, who spends responsibly, who focuses on quality over quantity, who has fun with style. I've been having the most fun with style with my accessories, whether it's sunglasses or scarves or rings and necklaces, and of course, handbags and shoes. I still love me some shoes, you all. But I was also thinking about other ways that I'm using style to reinvent myself these days. And it's really interesting because there was a period in my style journey where I went through a very polished stage where my hair was very polished and I was always in a dress, usually with heels. And I love that era. It's what I needed to go through to get here.

But now at almost 50, I've stepped into this, I don't even know how to describe it, it's more elevated casual. I had a friend one time, she was like, "I've never seen you in a pair of jeans." And I realized I hardly ever wore jeans. Well, now jeans are a staple for me. I love jeans and a really crisp white shirt. Simple, it's classic, it's timeless. And then I have fun with my jewelry or my shoes, and I get to express myself in that way. But then the next day I will be in a beautiful dress and a hat. And I think that's the big thing for me. I have allowed myself to drop all of the shoulds, to stop boxing myself in and to just day by day wear what delights me. Some days it's a pair of yoga pants and a top and some cute tennis shoes. Other days it might be a skirt and a blazer and some fun shoes. Shoes are always like the common denominator.

But in looking back over my journey, I can see how style has benefited me greatly and also how I view style to trap me. Here's an example. When I was first getting started on my style journey, it was during my more polished phase. I remember telling a good friend of mine that when I moved to Durango, I was like, "Oh my God, all everyone wears here is Patagonia." I was like, "I could never." Well, guess what my friends, today I would put on some Patagonia and rock it. And that's the thing. If you look back at your life when you are trying to grow, when you are reinventing yourself, when you are exploring, what you may find is that you go from one extreme to the other. I went from not having any style to trying so hard to be stylish, not realizing style is an inner journey that you express through what you wear.

And now I can see, just if we stick with the Patagonia example, I had a fear that if I would start dressing that way, that I would go back to who I was. And so I was keeping tension on my style journey until it felt normal and just like who I was to really care about my appearance, take care of myself, to be intentional with what I wore. Because putting on Patagonia back then would've been the easiest thing to do because it was more in alignment with my old self. But where I am today, I just feel good about me. Whether I'm wearing sweatpants or decked out in a beautiful dress, I feel good. And I'm still very intentional with my style. If I am wearing sweatpants three or four days in a row because I have a I don't care attitude and life is so hard and I've just got so much on my plate, I know that I'm not living in my sweet spot.

And that's the thing, my friends, it's not about what you wear. It's why are you wearing it? What is the energy behind your choices? And this isn't just about clothes, it's about everything that you do. And so I am still the biggest proponent in that style can used to change your identity, to reinvent yourself. A new haircut can mirror something back to you that you want to believe about yourself. That beautiful dress that you've been putting into the back of your closet, not wearing because you're afraid of what people will think, putting it on confirms something different than you denying it. Every choice we make, including style, has the ability to be the vote for our future selves. And so the next time you're getting dressed, just ask yourself, "Who am I voting for today through this outfit? Am I voting for the part of me who doubts her dreams, who is playing small, who is more concerned with what other people think than how you feel? Or am I voting for the most joyous, expansive, life-loving version of me?"

So enjoy this episode on how do you style to change your identity. Do you feel like you're in a rut? Or maybe you're just having a hard time reaching your goals and you're just feeling stagnant like something's got to change? Well, I have an idea, and it has everything to do with what's hanging in your closet. For those of you who've been with me for a while, you know my story. I was at one point over 200 pounds. Then I developed an eating disorder. I was just all over the place weight-wise, emotionally. And things began to shift for me when, well, two things happened. I went to Paris and it was there that I realized, "Wait, these people are eating delicious foods. They don't seem to be depriving themselves. They look so chic." I was just like mesmerized.

I was like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's happening here?" But deep down, I knew I wanted the essence of that. There was something about that culture that really spoke to me. And I realized I'm going to have to stop doing almost everything that I've been doing and being almost everything that I've been being in order to become that. And so that set me out on this adventure of figuring out the art of becoming, literally changing your identity. I had to stop being a woman who needed to lose weight and become a slim woman who had simply gained a little weight. Notice the difference, you all. Huge difference. The other thing that I realized is that I had to get out of the diet culture. I had to stop focusing on the problem and reconfirming an identity that was causing me to stay in this perpetual toxic cycle.

And so that required that I figure out things like what brings me joy? What's pleasurable? If I weren't always focused on losing weight and dieting, where would all of that attention and energy be going? What do I keep putting on the back burner and waiting until I lose weight? And what if I started to do that now? And so these kinds of questions just set me out on this whole new adventure. And then I discovered life coaching, and I started to understand neural pathways and I started to understand neuroplasticity and I started to understand how our thinking is forming our image, and that image is determining our entire lives.

And so years ago, I was doing this process of becoming, of changing my self-image. Now, this is a great segue into today's topic because I want to talk about how to use style to reinvent yourself. You showing up as the woman in your future now. And we're going to be talking a lot about how to do that when you are maybe 20 pounds, 30 pounds, 40 pounds overweight, and you're like, "But Tonya, I don't like anything that I wear." Listen, we got to rise above that. We are creating a new identity. And what I can tell you from my own experience and now coaching thousands and thousands of women is that if you try to delay your actions until one day when, you are going to also be delaying your results until one day when. What that means is however you think you're showing up in your future, you got to start practicing doing that now.

I'll never forget being in a rut. I was so depressed. I was extremely overweight. I was a single mom at the time, and I noticed that the rut was showing up, especially in my style. And so the way this looks, and you all can relate to this, is that you are feeling a low mood, whether it's sadness, whether it's loneliness, whether it's fear, whatever it is. And so you wake up and you let that emotion make the shots. You let that emotion depict your day. And so you reach for things to feed that state of being. And so for me, I was reaching for my scrubs at the time. I was working as a nurse, and scrubs were so easy, it's got that big draw string. I always got them a size bigger. I got the big tops because I thought they hid me. They don't. They just make you look even bigger. But they were also very comfortable.

And so I was wearing my scrubs every single day of the week. I know that's shocking to people who know me now because I dress up every single day, but literally every single day I was wearing my scrubs. And I remember looking at my daughter, she was like three at the time, and realizing if I kept living like this, the kind of example that I would be setting for her, and thank goodness she doesn't remembered me back then. She was so little. She was a tiny little thing. But I knew the trajectory of where I was heading, and I knew that I had to shake things up. I had to wake myself up because nobody was coming to save me. It was on me. It was on me to provide for her. It was on me to create a life for us. It was on me.

And one of the first things that I did was I changed my clothes. Now listen, I was not rocking a Dior dress. I was not even rocking anything probably remotely fashionable, but I put on something that said, "I matter and that I'm working on caring for myself." Because I couldn't quite believe that I was caring for myself at the time. But I remember putting on, it was a dress, and I remember putting it on and something shifted. It was ever so slightly, but it was like a little glimmer of hope, a little glimmer of possibility. And sometimes, folks, that is all you need to get the momentum moving in a different direction.

Now, you have to understand during this time, it wasn't like all of a sudden I was dressing up every day. I still had days where I'd wear my scrubs. But more often than not, I was choosing to wear something that looked a little bit better. And so these little actions add up over time. Think about it. They've added up to me being who I am today, which I think I'm pretty stylish, who would've thought? But it started way back then when I decided that I wanted to get out of a rut, that I needed to become someone different. And here's the reason why style is such an amazing tool to reinvent yourself. I think it was Wayne Dyer who says, "When you change how you look at things, what you look at changes.' And I'm going to take that a step further to say when you change what you see, what you see changes.

Here's what I mean. When you show up and you look at a possible version of you in the mirror, it is telling your brain what to think of you. Now, what we often do is we keep looking at the same version of ourselves. And so we just keep reinforcing the same beliefs that we have about ourselves and therefore the same identity. Now, one of the arguments that I've heard in my community and from colleagues is, shouldn't I change my thoughts first? My thoughts are going to be what determines how I show up. And on some level, that is true because here's what it looks like. The thought is I'm going to put on something new. That is the thought, I'm going to try something new.

So there is a thought preceding you dressing in a different way, but it doesn't change your identity yet. You see, I'm so different than a lot of people. I believe in changing your environment. I believe in changing the outside world. I believe in changing the circumstance because sometimes that's what you need to do to give yourself a fighting chance of changing your beliefs. And so what I've noticed when it comes to style, when you use it intentionally to help you access new thoughts about yourself, new beliefs about yourself, and therefore a new identity, it can be one of the most powerful tools on the planet to actually help you create the results that you want in your life.

When I first started my business which, gosh, has been 15 years ago, listen, it was way before Zoom. It's when we were doing teleseminars on the phone so no one could see you for the most part unless you went to a networking event or you posted a picture. But guess who saw me every single day? Me, and I matter. So I remember really thinking about the version of me who had made six figures in a coaching business. I remember thinking about the version of me who had a waiting list of clients because she's helping them get results. I remember thinking about the version of me who is known in the coaching industry because her work and her coaching is so effective.

And when I thought about that version of me, I was like, "That girl gets dressed." And so I would dress up and go into my office. I would work on my marketing. I would work on my e-zine that I sent out every single week. I would coach some clients. And again, no one saw me, but I was using style to tell myself a story about who I was becoming. I was using style to change my identity from being a full-time nurse to now being a business owner, and not just any business owner, a successful, thriving business owner. And I have continued to use style to help me achieve my dreams, to help me achieve my extraordinary goals.

Style has allowed me to step into new identities over and over to expand what's possible because as you've heard me say many times, you can only ever create to the edge of your self-image. So if there's something that you want that you don't yet have, chances are you're going to have to change your identity to have it. It is the ‘be, do, have’ model. You be someone long enough, you do what that person does long enough, and you will eventually have what that person has. So if you want to be wealthy, you've got to show up and do wealthy things like dress like a woman who cares about herself. And eventually, over time, the world will reflect that back to you. That is just how it works.

When you show up energetically in the energy of that future you, it can't help but to happen. It's the laws of the universe. One of the tools that you can use to become is your style. Style is not only sending a message out to the world. you telling the world what to think of you, but more importantly, it's telling you what to think of you. If you wake up and put on something beautiful, something risque, something that's powerful, whatever it is that you're going for, that is going to send a very strong message to your brain as to how to think about you and to feel about you. That creates a state of being. And that state of being will determine what you do and what you don't do and what you attract and what you repel. I got rid of so many clothes that are beautiful and have served me well, but they represent an old identity. That part of that old identity is holding me back so I let those clothes go. Now I'm reaching for new clothes that will help me to create a new identity. That is how this process works, my friends. 

So some things that you can ask yourself and think about when you're thinking about your identity as it relates to style and maybe how to think about changing up your style is number one, how do you want to see yourself? And how is that different than how you currently see yourself? Do you wanna see yourself as bold? Do you wanna see yourself as unstoppable? Do you wanna see yourself as more feminine? Do you wanna see yourself as more powerful, wealthy, relaxed, athletic? I have used style to help me get into shape. just by upping my athleisure wear, it motivates me. I look at it, I'm like, Oh, that's the outfit that my athlete would wear. So I put it on, I feel like an athlete and it makes me want to go to the gym and work out. 

So, figure out how you want to see yourself and then begin to be curious about how that version of you is showing up in the world differently than the version of you now. In how she dresses, yes, but maybe in how she speaks and how she carries herself because that too is a part of your style. Also ask yourself what it is that you deeply, deeply want. How can you use style to birth the version of you who's created that? And again, it's going to be different for everyone because everybody wants different things. Everyone has different dreams and desires, which is such a beautiful thing. Maybe your dream and desire is to own a farm. Well, do you have some farm boots? Let's start rocking them. 

Let's start telling our brain what we are creating so it can get to work for us and not against us, and again, style is a beautiful tool to help you create that identity so that you can therefore create the results. So I would love to hear from you. I would love, love, love to hear how you are going to apply this concept. And even better, snap a photo of an outfit that you feel like is embodying that future version of you or is in that direction. It's helping you get closer there. Because I will tell you all with my style, it's been like little baby steps and little tweaks that in the moment maybe didn't feel like a big deal, but over time I realized that was the exact step that I needed to take to get me to where I am now. 

So celebrate all of those little style victories when you feel like, oh, I feel like this is getting closer. Maybe it's not exactly the outfit or exactly the style, but it feels like I'm getting warmer. So snap a picture and tag me on Instagram at Tonya Leigh, because I would love to celebrate it with you. Have a beautiful week, everyone, and I will see you all in the next episode. Cheers. 

Hey, before you go, I want to let you know that if you've loved this episode and you want more support and curating your self-image, I've created something just for you. It's a free podcast guide to help you find the episodes that meet you exactly where you are. Whether you're craving for elegant success, vibrant well-being, magnetic presence, or stylish living, or maybe you just want to deepen your understanding of the core concepts of self-image work, it's all in the guide. You can go to schoolofselfimage.com/guide and grab your copy now. Your next breakthrough might just be one episode away.