When you think of a person’s attractiveness, do you automatically start thinking about physical appearances? Because most people do. But what if that’s not at all what makes a person attractive? What if it’s actually so much more? That’s what we’re talking about in this episode.
Welcome to the School of Self-Image, where personal development meets style. Here’s your hostess, master life coach Tonya Leigh.
Hello, my beautiful friends. Welcome to another episode. I want to talk about how to be more attractive. So, I decided to do this episode because I was talking with a friend of mine recently who is in the dating world. And she was telling me that she just doesn’t feel that attractive.
And I know that when we often hear the word attractive, we immediately go to physical appearances. And that is a part of attraction. And at the same time, everyone’s attracted to different appearances, right?
Some men, for example, prefer brunettes. Some prefer different ethnicities. We all have something that we are drawn to, and that is what attraction is. It’s to draw in. It is magnetism. It’s very appealing. Attraction is being interested in something or someone. It’s intrigue. It’s feeling the urge to gravitate towards someone.
So, I’ve recently been dating someone. And he and I love to have what we call mental jams. He’s like a modern-day philosopher. He loves to really think deeply on many different topics. And this one came up. We were on a walk and I said, “What do you think makes someone attractive?”
And we went back and forth on this topic for like 45 minutes. And we started to talk about why we were attracted to each other. And he just said, “We are on the same frequency.” And I had a lightbulb moment because I realized, that is what attraction is. In fact, the law of attraction states “Like attracts like.”
So, when I started to think about that in terms of how to be more attractive, the first question that came up was, “Who are you trying to attract into your life?” And this is one of the steps that I feel like many of us try to skip over.
In fact, you may think you want to be attractive to everyone. But that’s not true. You don’t want to attract certain energies and frequencies into your life. For example, you probably don’t want to attract a mate who wants to complain and be disgruntled all of the time. So, the truth is that you don’t want to be attractive to everyone.
But in order to be more attractive, you need to decide who you want to attract into your life. Before I started dating this guy, I have spent a lot of time over the past months thinking about the kind of person I want to be involved with romantically. And I could feel the energy of it.
It’s someone that I laugh a lot with. We talk about the most incredible things. We enjoy doing many of the same things – not all of the same things – easy to talk to, easy to be around, funny. And I started to really imagine and feel that person in my life long before he showed up. And there he was.
But the reason why that happened is he had been doing that same work. He had been imagining the kind of person he wanted to be with and he was living in that energetic space. So, we were a perfect vibrational match. We were attracted to each other because we were on the same frequency. Because that’s how the world works.
You don’t attract what you’re doing. You attract who you are being. And so, that is the first step, you all, is to get very clear on who you want to attract into your life. And then you have to ask the question, “Who do I need to be to attract them?”
Now, here’s where we’re going to get into how to be more attractive. So, when we were talking about this, I said to him, “Do you know what I think the secret to being more attractive is? It’s being attractive to yourself.” So, let’s really think about that.
How many of you are going out into the world wanting to be attractive when you don’t even feel that attraction towards yourself? Maybe you spend a lot of time focused on what you don’t like about yourself, feeling like you’re not good enough. And as a result, you’re not showing up as your best self, further validating the beliefs that you have about yourself.
And so, one of the things that I’ve noticed for myself over the past – especially last year. Last year was a big growth year for me, you all – is how much I enjoy myself, how attracted I am to who I am. Which I think makes me more attractive to others especially the people I want to attract into my life.
So, over those months that I was alone a lot and I wasn’t dating anyone, I wanted to date myself. I wanted to get to know myself. I wanted to have fun with myself. I wanted to be a woman that was okay being alone. And a lot of the work that I did during that time was preparing me, I think, to be more attractive to the person that I was meant to call into my life next.
And so, what that looked like for me was taking really good care of myself, showing up to impress myself daily, because there was no one else to impress. Everyone had been in lockdown. I wasn’t dating. My daughter would come over, but that was about it. And some friends. I had some friends here in Denver that I would go and have dinner with. But mostly, it was just me with me.
And so, I would get up and I would dress myself every day and I had the chance to just enjoy myself and to delight myself and to interest myself. I was attracted to myself because of the work that I did during that time.
And so, when I think about what makes someone attractive, it’s really about them being the best version of themselves and not caring if other people find them attractive. Because when you’re attracted to you, you don’t need other people to validate you. You’re enjoying your own company. And all that does is make you more attractive to the people you want to call into your life.
It’s also about being interesting. I think the reason why I had such a good time by myself all those months is that I was genuinely interested in myself and I was doing interesting things with myself. And I believe that’s what creates attraction.
We like being around people that are interesting, AKA not boring. Why? Because our brains need to be stimulated. And so, when you think about being more attractive, how can you interest yourself more?
Maybe it’s learning new languages. Maybe it’s picking up a new hobby. The more experience you have in life, the more interesting you become, the more stories you have to tell, the more reference points you have to look at and reference when you’re in conversation.
And so, I really want you all to think about, do you find yourself boring? And if so, why? Why not go find things that will make you more interesting as a human being, not for other people, but for yourself, you’ll enjoy your own company so much more. And the byproduct is that other people will be more attracted to you and will find you interesting. But you won’t care. That’s the beauty of this.
The other way I think that we can be more attractive is to be interested in other people. People love to talk about themselves. People love to feel as if people are interested in them. And if you show genuine interest in someone, they will just by default find you more attractive.
And so, when I think about that time I was here in my apartment alone, I was really interested in myself. What makes me tick? What am I drawn to? What am I repulsed by? What do I love? What don’t I love? Like, I was so curious about myself and I think that’s why I was able to build that self-attraction that then allowed me to be more attractive to certain people.
And so, when you’re out and about with other people, being interested automatically makes you more attractive to other people. I also think what makes someone attractive is them just being them. How many times – and you all, I used to do this all of the time, but I would walk into a room and I would have all of these terrible stories in my brain about how I didn’t belong and I wasn’t good enough and everybody in the room was way better, smarter, richer, thinner than I was.
And those stories caused me to shrink. And therefore, reduce my attractiveness because you can’t be attracted to something that is invisible. And I was trying to be invisible in a room because I had the belief that I did not belong there.
But when you genuinely enjoy your own company and you’re attracted to yourself, then you can walk into rooms and be around people and just be who you are and not need the validation, not need people to be attracted to you, but you just get to be in the delight of your own spirit. And that is so attractive.
We are drawn to people like that. And so, enjoy the beauty of being you. And when you do that, you’re going to find that you are so much more attractive to the right people.
Now, finally, let’s talk about physical attractiveness, because I know that’s what many of you are thinking, like, “How do I be more physically attractive?” Well, first of all, this is such a subjective topic. Because as I was saying earlier, we’re all attracted to different things.
For example, I am attracted to a certain coffee shop here in Denver. There are many, many different coffee shops that other people love. But there’s one in particular that I love to go to. I’m drawn to it. There’s something about it, about the environment, the taste of the coffee, how I feel when I’m there. That doesn’t mean that the other coffee shops aren’t amazing. They’re just not a fit for me.
Now, some of my other friends that live here, they have different coffee shops that they love to go to. They’re attracted to those places. Doesn’t mean my coffee shop is not good enough. They just have a different preference. And that’s how we have to view attraction, especially physical attraction.
So, when I think about being physically attractive, what it boils down to for me is knowing that I’m taking great care of myself, that I am showing up as the best version of me and a way that fits to me. It’s me taking the time to get dressed and to present myself to the world in a way that I’m proud of. And it’s not to impress the world. It’s to impress myself in the world.
It’s eating well and exercising and taking care of my body. When I do those things, what ends up happening for me is that I’m attracted to myself, as I was saying earlier. And that’s what really, really matters.
And there will be some, let’s say men, that aren’t attracted to a woman like me. Maybe I’m too old for them. Maybe they don’t like blondes. Maybe they like someone that’s a size smaller or a size bigger. And that’s okay. That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me. They just have a different preference.
But I get to be more attracted to myself knowing and trusting that when I do that, I am going to attract someone who is on my frequency, that’s looking for someone like me. And the same goes for you.
I want you to practice being attracted to yourself. Do the work on that and then trust that the people that are meant to be in your life are going to show up, and the ones who aren’t won’t. They won’t be attracted to you. And it’s not because you’re not an extraordinary and amazing woman. They’re just on a different frequency.
Now, with that said, one of the things that I have noticed by doing this work and really being attracted to myself, being more in love with my life, and just being more, being more of who I am, I have noticed that I am attracting more people, more opportunities, more things into my life.
The only way I know how to explain it, it’s like my capacity to be has expanded. It’s like the container to experience life, to hold attention, to hold energy has also increased, which means my capacity for attraction has increased.
And so, I was thinking about that in relationship to frequency because not everyone that is attracted to me is on the same frequency. But what I believe is happening is that they’re wanting to get on that frequency. So, you may find that as you’re increasing your own attractiveness and you’re being more attractive, you may be inviting low-vibe people into your space and many times it’s because you represent something that they want for themselves.
It doesn’t mean you have to invite them in, but just also know that that may happen as well. They see something in you that they want for themselves. And the question to ask yourself so that you don’t subconsciously sabotage yourself is, are you willing to be able to hold all of that?
Because I’ve had many women tell me that they don’t want to be too attractive because they’re afraid of what’s going to happen, of the attention that they’re going to get. They literally feel threatened from past trauma.
But part of this work in elevating our self-image is elevating what we are willing to experience and have and become. And so, as you increase your attractiveness, you’re also going to be increasing the people that are looking towards you. And maybe not romantically. Maybe they just admire something that you have and they can’t even put their finger on it. The French call it that je ne sais quoi. But they know you have it.
And that is the work to be willing to step into that spotlight and to own it and to be it and to enjoy yourself, enjoy this journey of life. That, to me, is what makes a woman so attractive; a woman who is delighting in herself and in her life. That is how you become more attractive.
Have a beautiful week, everyone. I love you and I cannot wait to see you on the next episode. Cheers.
Hey, have you grabbed your free copy of the School of Self-Image Manifesto? If not, what in the world? Head over to schoolofselfimage.com/manifesto and get a copy that teaches you how to think and show up in the areas of mindset, style, and surroundings so that you can transform your self-image.