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I don’t reckon misery loves any damn thing at all.
People say that they desire to be happy, but then they do everything to guarantee that they are not. I speak from experience on this one. I used to be one miserable chick — full of pessimism, doubt and frustration with this thing called life. Then, I learned something that changed my life, forever. Misery is a choice. So is Happiness. I get to choose, and so do you.
So, if your choice is misery, here are 23 ways that I have personally tested and proven. These darlings work like a charm:
- Decide that you can only be happy when other people behave differently. Do not (I repeat), do not feel good around others until they are acting in a way that satisfies you.
- Only do things when you think you’re ready, unicorns are flying around and angels are appearing. Wait for that feeling and those signs before you start anything.
- Surround yourself with anguished, dramatic and pessimistic people. Wallow in that energy as much as possible. Have dinners with them, invite them to coffee and make sure that a day doesn’t go by until you’ve connected with at least a few of them.
- Live in sweatpants and t-shirts, seven days a week. Never dress up or take the time to look your best. It’s a waste of time and money anyway.
- Never leave your house. Except maybe to buy groceries, so you can do #6.
- Eat junk food (and lots of it). It tastes so good, so bon appetit!
- Sit on the couch as much as possible and watch trash TV. Drown your mind in mindless activity and keep your remote control by your side.
- Devour self-help books. One a day is recommended. DO NOT read a beautiful novel, spend time learning a new language or engaging in a new hobby. You must fix yourself first.
- Constantly focus on all that you think is wrong in your life. Write it down in a journal for extra credit. Your bank account, lack of love in your life, your weight…focus on it as much as possible.
- Create as much drama as possible — pick fights with others, sulk and pout, scream at the dinner table or anything that brings negative attention into your life.
- Worry about money 24-7. It doesn’t matter if you are in a buttload of debt or have millions in the bank, you should worry.
- Live in clutter and chaos. Never clean your house. Do #7 and dream of a clean house instead.
- For chrissakes, don’t be grateful, because there are way too many things you don’t have that you need to focus on.
- Always, always be prepared for the worst – a tsunami, the death of a loved one, running out of money, the apocalypse. Stay alert and ready.
- Wait until the perfect time. I know you haven’t ever experienced it yet, but I’m sure it’s right around the corner.
- Blame your parents, the Pope, the President, your past or anything. Just blame. It’s not your fault.
- Think about your self as much as possible. Examine your thoughts, pick apart your flaws and defects, figure out how you can fix yourself. Whatever you do, don’t focus on a positive happening outside of yourself or how you might be able to add cheer to another person’s life. Focus on you at all times.
- Find a person to reform. It could be a partner, your child or the neighbor, but choose one that you want to fix and don’t give up until that person is exactly the way you want them to be.
- Don’t be adventurous. Travel is dangerous. You might get hurt. It’s just not a good time. Do #8 or #15 instead.
- Make everything about you. The reason your spouse is grumpy, the boss is an ass, your friend hasn’t called you back…it had to be something you did.
- Compare and be jealous. They are taking something from you. Of course, you should feel deep envy.
- Do NOT slow down and enjoy the simple pleasures. Life is a race and you are probably behind so go, and go fast, and whatever you do, don’t STOP!
And, saving the best for last . . .
23. Be mean to yourself. Self-love is out of the question. There is no room for that kind of airy-fairy non-sense. You need to beat yourself up to get the results you want in life.
Or . . . you can just choose to be happy!
It’s always a choice.
And, I’m sure I missed a way or two to be miserable.
Care to add to the list? Let’s have some fun in the comments below.
Live Your Life With Style, Flare, and Elegance
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