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A few weeks ago, while waiting for a friend to meet me for a cocktail at the bar, I was able to participate in one of my very favorite activities:

I know it’s a little creepy, but I do it for several reasons.

  1. It’s very entertaining
  2. It often gives me a lot of ideas/material to write about.
  3. I learn SO much about human dynamics.
  4. And most importantly ... I learn what NOT TO DO in social situations.

So, back to eavesdropping. 🙂

There was a couple sitting beside me at the bar.

It was obvious that they were on a first date.

Here’s a snippit of the conversation:

Guy: So, how long have you lived here?

Gal: Snoooooozeeeerrr!

(read: looooonnnnnngggggg answer that bored me to tears. And based on his body language, I’m guessing him as well.)

As I sipped my Champagne, I had flashbacks to the days when I was that gal. #blessherheart

I understand all too well the mindset driving non-stop talking, long winded answers and a lot of fidgeting.

I used to be an extremely socially awkward and anxious person.

Yep! I’ve definitely had my fair share of social faux pas.

Thankfully, that’s not the case any longer.

(Okay, let me rephrase that. I still have social blunders BUT not as often AND I never beat myself up for them because after all, imperfection IS charming.)

Today, I feel at ease and confident in every room I enter — from a honky tonk to the Palais Garnier Opera House.

So….. how did I turn it around?

It’s called . . . C H A R M

Now, before you start rolling your eyes,

Listen up!

This word, “charm”, it gets a bad wrap.

On one hand, it can be seen as some sort of magic spell you put onto people in order to get your way. That’s not charm; that’s manipulation. This is not the kind of charm I’m talking about.

On the other, it can conjure up thoughts of the very elegant, exclusive and bourgeoisie “Emily post” type social formalities and finishing schools. While these can make a woman appear charming, these outward skills don’t make a woman feel charming. Big difference! While I did learn how to offer up the firmest handshake a girl can give, I still struggled with “being” with people. So, I’m not talking about that kind of charm either.

The charm I speak of is about having a presence so radiant, a confidence so deep and a curiosity so playful that you leave others wondering, “Who’s that lady?”

Back then, I was NOT that lady.

And, quite honestly, I was so sick and tired of …

…leaving social situations and replaying events in my head.

…feeling like I didn’t belong.

…avoiding difficult conversations like the plague.

…watching everyone else have fun — receiving the invites, laughing around the table, and really seeming to enjoy it all!

So I set out to do something about it.

I discovered that Charm isn’t a gene that only a few possess

Luckily, it’s a skill any woman can learn.

As a woman, we are taught many life skills — calculus, history and English, or how to balance a checkbook, how to cook a meal.

But no one has really taught us one of the most important skills that can make or break every area of our lives:   HOW TO CHARM.

Without charm . . . life is a lot harder.

Because no matter what you desire — a job promotion, a new romance, to make more money, to have better relationships — interacting with others is always part of the equation.

With charm . . . Life becomes a grand PARTY!

Who wouldn’t love to be that Charming Woman who always . . .

  • Has your phone blowing up with invites to dinners, parties and events.
  • Draws people towards you like a moth to a flame.
  • Knows how to respond to any social situation you may encounter with confidence.
  • Possesses the ability to influence people simply by managing your own presence.
  • Initiates the “turn around effect” because your presence can be felt before you’re even seen.
  • Is called the “lucky” one who seems to have opportunities fall into your lap.
  • Has cultivated a network of first-class people just a phone call or email away.
  • Lives a genuinely joyful life filled with incredible relationships.

Well, I most certainly want to be her!

Successful people understand the power of charm.

Many people think it’s appearance, talent or IQ that will advance their careers and lives.

You and I both know that there are many beautiful, smart and talented people who are not able to achieve what they desire.

So, if it’s not their looks or intellect, why do they struggle?

They lack social confidence and the ability to influence and win people over.

Success is something that we all must define for ourselves, but no matter your definition, relationships are the KEY to a prosperous and joyful life.

In order to achieve your goals, you must learn how to powerfully connect with others, feel confident no matter who’s in the room, and captivate your audience of one or many.

Are you ready to learn “The Art of Charm”?

If you’re nodding “yes,” I must warn you that this isn’t some cute-sy endeavor.

In fact, the journey to charm is one of courage, curiosity and commitment.

The first thing I had to tackle was the HARDEST.

What is it?

The #1 Killer of Charm = The need to be liked.

While most humans want to be liked, we can take it waaay too far.

When we do, we often push others away.

Oh, the irony, right?

Trying Too Hard to Be Liked
Makes You Less Likeable

{tweet this}

I can confidently tell you that when I was in the height of my “Like me! Like me! Like me!” years, these were the years when I least liked myself.

Now, I understand why.

Instead of being genuine, I was constantly contorting myself into versions of me that I thought this person or that person would like.  Instead of caring for myself emotionally, I was outsourcing my emotional life to others. “Please, please please like me so I can like myself!”

Folks, this is NOT how it works.

What this does is drain the people around you.

And it will cause you a lot of suffering.

Ironically, it does the exact opposite of what we’re desiring to achieve.

In coaching women for over a decade, I have seen first hand how “the need to be liked” wreaks havoc on so many women’s lives. Especially the women who (on the outside) seem to have it all together. This desperate need to be liked keeps us small, makes us act crazy, and actually pushes people away.

But, when you get over it?

M’friend…you’re on the road to sweet and glorious freedom.

But you must rid yourself of this very bad habit if you want to learn and embody The Art of Charm.

If you’re reading this wondering if you’re trying too hard to be liked, here are some key signs:

Six Signs that you’re guilty of killing your charm (by trying too hard to be liked)

FIRST SIGN: You say “yes” when you really mean “no”

You say yes to being on the board even though you’d rather be at home planting a garden.

You agree to host Thanksgiving dinner for the entire family (all twenty of them) even though you’d prefer to go away for the holiday weekend.

I once agreed to bake 100 cookies for a group my daughter belonged to even though she didn’t want to be part of it, and I hated baking cookies.

Why? I wanted the approval of the “it” moms. (Gosh, just saying that creeps me out now, but that’s what wanting to be liked will cause a woman to do.)

What charming people do:
They say no . . . a lot! And, they’re respected for it.

SECOND SIGN: Saying “no” when you really mean “yes”

You don’t book the trip because you’re afraid of what your family will think.

You don’t wear the dress because it may be too much.

My friend, Jill, took her kids to a roller skating party. All the parents were standing on the sidelines watching the kids have a blast. Her 8-year old daughter begged her to skate with her. Jill said “no” because she wanted to fit in with the other parents. This haunts Jill to this day. She regrets not saying “yes” to her daughter. And, deep down, she wanted to skate.

What charming people do:
They do what they want and inspire others because of it.

THIRD SIGN: You’re Acting like a crazy person

I’ve morphed into some really interesting characters in rooms of people where I sought their approval.

This has caused sporadic behaviors like:

– talking so fast that I couldn’t even keep up with my own words
– fidgeting like I was going through withdrawals
– running away to the bathroom mid-conversation because I felt so out of place,
– talking about myself non-stop.

Wanting to be liked causes you to act insane.

What charming people do:
They are calm and collected in groups of people
because they have nothing to prove and everything to give.

FOURTH SIGN: You lack healthy boundaries

Lori, who is recently married, came home to find her mother-in-law cleaning her kitchen. This isn’t the first time. She’s always showing up uninvited to their home and meddling in their marriage. But, Lori wants her to like her, so she keeps putting up with this kind of behavior even though she’s building resentment.

Whether it’s a co-worker who monopolizes your time or a friend who takes advantage of your generosity (aka people pleasing), at the core of this behavior is your need to be liked.

What charming people do:
They understand that they need some big fences around their lives,
so they re-set fenceposts often.

FIFTH SIGN: You don’t ask for help

In our quest to be liked, we help everyone else and refuse to ask for help ourselves. We don’t want to burden others or risk rejection, so we exhaust ourselves trying to be everything to everyone.

What charming people do:
They know that people love to help out,
and that a beautiful life is not a one-man show.

SIXTH SIGN: You don’t take a stand.

With one group, you’re opinion is “x”.

In another, your opinion is “y”.

Because you want to be liked by everyone, you become vanilla.

And, we know that most people would really prefer something a little more exotic like sea-salt caramel….or at the very least a Vanilla Bean, from Madagascar. Or even Vanilla made from cream from a small dairy farmer in Vermont.

When I started my business, I was that vanilla girl. I didn’t want to repel people so I took the comfy and very boring road of keeping my beliefs neutral. I didn’t get a lot of love nor hate. I just got crickets!

But when I started sharing my love of France, how what you wear matters, my quest to finding a great handbag and my love of luxury, everything changed.

There were people who called me materialistic and shallow.

But, there were also a lot more women who could relate and I naturally began to attract my ideal community of women who want to French Kiss Life.

What charming people do:
They know what they value and believe. And, they aren’t afraid to share it.
However, they don’t argue their points. They value their happiness over being right.

If you want to be more charming, you must break the habit of wanting to be liked.

I get it.

It’s so uncomfortable to risk rejection and disapproval, but do you know what’s even harder?

Rejecting yourself over and over again, all the while, disapproving of yourself.

This is why learning the Art of Charm will be one of the most amazing gifts you’ll ever give yourself.

I’m delighted to let you know that enrollment is open in my newest course “Charm the Room”

And if you liked this post, I can guarantee that you’ll love this course <click here to learn more>

JOIN THE CHIC CONVERSATION BELOW: Did you like this FKL Post? Which of the six signs are you guilty of that are killing your charm? And what is one small thing that you can start to do TODAY to help break your habit of wanting to be liked?

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