tonya's diary

what i'm thinking about

In case you haven’t heard, I’ve been engaged since Christmas Day of last year.

As you can imagine, people keep asking me, “When are you getting married, Tonya?”

My simple answer is, “We haven’t decided.”

To me, the best part of this journey is the dreaming and the anticipation.

While we have a lot of conversations about where the wedding will be (from Cartagena to California) —

And who will be there (from everyone we know and love to only a select few) ...

I don’t want to rush this.

For most of my early adulthood, I was always rushing to the next thing. I thought life would be better “over there.” Now, it’s so clear: all the rushing was driven by scarcity and inadequacy.

Ironically, when I slowed down and learned the self-love practices I’ll be sharing in this edition of The Edit, the things that I had deeply wished for started to show up in my life, including my fiancé.

Welcome to The Love Issue.

In this issue, I want to share the secret to attracting love:

Love yourself as much as you want another to love you.

Because your person will show up and, when they do, you won’t be in a rush for what’s next. You’ll simply want to enjoy every passing moment.


The Thought Edit

A New Thought to Restyle Your Mind

To create a mad love affair with yourself, listen to your desires.

I love when Oscar Wilde said, “To love one’s self is the beginning of a lifelong romance.”

If you ever hear people talk about self-love and wonder, “What does it actually mean to love yourself?” let me shed some light on the topic.

To me, loving myself feels like an actual romance, no different than the one I have with Fonz - only it’s just me and me.

If you’ve ever been in love, you know how it is:

  • You have lovely thoughts about the person
  • You get dressed to meet them
  • You do little things to make them smile
  • You really listen to their desires

And when it comes to self-love, I think that last one is the most important.

A lot of women feel numb to self-love because they’ve shut off everything in their life that makes them feel alive. They dismiss their desires and pretend they don’t know what they really want.

Would you be in love with someone who dismissed your desires?

To reignite a connection with your desires, ask yourself questions like,

“What would I love?”
“What would make today extraordinary?”
“What desires have I been denying myself?”

Don’t allow yourself to be confused. Start small and listen, even to the simplest ideas. When you start listening to your desires, there’s this tingle that starts to happen in your body.

It’s like you start to wake up, and that’s the beginning of a lifelong romance.


Ideas for Elevating from Our Members

Romancing Yourself
with Karen Hao

“I never used to buy flowers because I used to feel like they should be for a special occasion… or that someone else was supposed to buy them for me.

Ever since SOSI, I’ve been buying myself flowers every week, and I love it! I even found some nearby flower farms to visit, and it’s been so fun!

Thank you for inspiring me to buy myself flowers just because I’m special.”

A Taste of Style

Making the Everyday Extraordinary

The Style of Romance

Is your fashion sense romantic? A “Romantic Style” hails from the Romantic Period, which was described as “an artistic, literary, musical, and intellectual movement that originated in Europe towards the end of the 18th century.” - Thanks, Wikipedia.

Think empire waists. Full skirts. Dramatic sleeves. Flowy fabrics. Lace. Glamour. Large floral prints.

In the Romantic Era, imagination was favored over intellect. So when you’re dressing in a romantic style, feel free to create.

Here are a few of my favorite romantic outfit ideas:

Romantic styling is one of my favorites but it’s not for everyone. To romance yourself, use your imagination and wear whatever puts you… in the mood.


Habits for Creating the Impossible

Romance Your Weekend Plans

One of my favorite things about being in love is that it seems you always have somewhere exciting to go. There’s always something on the calendar.

Whether you’re single, newly in love, or in a long-term partnership, this week’s Haute Habit is:

Plan your weekends - with a dash of romance.

Don’t let the weekend just roll on by while you clean the house and watch t.v. right into Monday. Where’s the romance in that?

Put something exciting on the calendar. Explore a new part of town, connect with friends, or try a new hobby.

If you’re romancing yourself, buy yourself a little gift, set out a great outfit, and be your own hot date.

You know who I learned a lot from when it comes to being your own best friend and lover? My fiancé Fonz. In fact, I’ve learned so much from him on this topic that I decided to record a podcast episode about it!

Listen in to this week’s episode:

What I’m Learning from My Relationship

In the Bag

Tools for REinvention

My Newest Lingerie Splurge

As I get older, I’m more compelled than ever to romance myself.

I want to keep that feminine energy flowing (even while the hormones are raging), and one of my favorite ways of doing that is to love and honor my body.

This is why I often invest in beautiful lingerie.

Your lingerie is the first thing you put on in the morning and the last thing you take off at night.

It’s the protector of your most intimate parts and while not everyone sees it, you do.

What you wear underneath your clothes matters. Wearing beautiful, well-fitting lingerie sends a powerful message to your psyche:

I respect myself.
I love myself.
I’m worth it.

I recently treated myself to this gorgeous set.

The Toast

Your Invitation to Connect & Celebrate

Solo Date Ideas

I first got the idea for solo dates from Julia Cameron’s book The Artist’s Way. Julia calls them “artist dates” and describes them this way:

“The Artist Date is a once-weekly, festive, solo expedition to explore something that interests you. The Artist Date need not be overtly “artistic” — think mischief more than mastery. Artist Dates fire up the imagination. They spark whimsy. They encourage play. Since art is about the play of ideas, they feed our creative work by replenishing our inner well of images and inspiration. When choosing an Artist Date, it is good to ask yourself, “what sounds fun?” — and then allow yourself to try it.”

I completely agree, Julia. Even if you don’t identify as “artistic”, taking yourself out on solo dates is a great way to build a relationship with yourself.

The key is that they’re:

all about you and
are an expression of your desires
Here are a few ideas to get you started:

Journal somewhere beautiful.
Grab your journal and head to a coffee shop, luxury hotel, or park you love. Daydream and explore what makes you feel alive.

Be a hometown tourist.
Look up lists of the best things to do in your city and plan a sightseeing tour as if you’ve never been there before. Set the intention to see things in a new way.

Check into a spa for the day.
There’s nothing like a bathrobe and a glass of bubbly to reignite the spark of self-love. A luxurious spa day can be just what you need to reconnect and recharge.

Remember that love is always available to you. It’s not something you earn or find or chase. It’s something you feel 🙂 And you can generate self-love right now, in this moment.

You’re so so worthy of it.

So much love for you,

// TheEDIT

A weekly digital magazine by the School of Self-Image