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“I want to find my passion.” I hear these words so often from women who are frustrated, burnt out and overwhelmed. The personal development world doesn’t help the situation. Countless books, programs and workshops have been created all around “finding your passion,” and quite honestly, I think it’s bad advice.
I’ve wrote about this topic years ago, and my stance hasn’t changed.
There’s a deep flaw in wanting to find passion:
Passion is not found outside of you. It’s a feeling you create from within.
(tweet it).
Take my friend, Carolyn, for example.
Years ago, we worked together as nurses in the operating room. When we’d be called in at 3AM for an emergency surgery, most of us would come in grumbling about being called out of a deep sleep, but not Carolyn. She always bopped into the room as if it was the best thing we could be doing on those early mornings.
What was the difference between Carolyn and the rest of us?
Carolyn created her passion. She had very different thoughts about our 3AM call.
Because I was envious of what Carolyn had, I asked her one time, “Why are you always so happy?”
Here are some of the things she said:
We are so lucky to be able to do this.
At least it’s not us on the table.
We are getting paid overtime.
Because I get to hang out with y’all.
We were both in the same circumstance except Carolyn had very different thoughts. Her thoughts were those of passion.
Carolyn didn’t depend on life being any way other than what it was in that moment. Nothing could steal her passion for life.
Yet, I know that deep desire to find my passion.
Years ago, I started a vicious hunt to find my passion. I thought it’d be found in a new job or experience. Maybe it was hiding in a new town.
Sound familiar?
These were the questions that haunted me, as I put feeling good in my life on hold.
I thought passion was “out there.” Yet, the more I searched, the more confused I became.
What I was searching for was never out there; it was an emotion that only I could create from within.
So, what happened? How did I become a passionate woman?
A French Dinner Party
Years ago, I was invited to a dinner party in the South of France. The little villa was perched up in the little village of Menton, which sits on the Mediterranean Sea at the Franco-Italian border.
We arrived around 8PM expecting dinner to be served. Instead, we were passed aprons, a glass of Champagne and instructions on what our duty was in the kitchen. With Bocelli playing in the background, we all created an Italian feast.
About two hours later, we sat down at the table and the lively banter began.
The conversations were stimulating — from who was the better artist, Van Gogh or the designer of Ferrari, to the recent truffle season.
They weren’t seeking their passions; they were true bon vivants full of passion.
I walked away from that experience determined to tap into the same kind of fervor for my own life.
Instead of waiting to find passion in another person, a new job or a life that wasn’t mine (yet), I decided to bring a strong emotion of joy and devotion into my everyday life.
I threw dinner parties, had picnics in the parking lot of the hospital, dressed up to go to the grocery store, explored my curiosities.
Instead of searching for passion, I focused on becoming a bon vivant (one who lives well).
The more delighted I became about my life, the more life exposed me to more things to be passionate about.
It opened up so many doors, opportunities and next steps that I would not have been emotionally unavailable to notice had I been in a search for passion.
You don’t find your passion by searching for it. You create it by tapping into the passion already within you.
If you’re confused and frustrated, perhaps it’s time to stop searching for passion and start cultivating it from within.
A new job, home, man or career can’t give it to you. Only you have that power.
Let me leave you with one of my favorite Rumi quotes:
‘With passion pray. With passion make love.
With passion eat and drink and dance and play.
Why look like a dead fish in this ocean of God?’
Wake up to the life you have right now. Explore your curiosities. Cultivate passionate thoughts. Throw dinner parties. Get dressed up. Put on some lipstick. Talk about things that excite you.
Stop searching and start living…passionately!
So, m’friend, how are you going to BE more passionate this week? Let me know in the comments.
Did you grab the FKL Manifesto?
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This is very true. We don't appreciate what we have in life, and social media make us feel like we should have more, or that we're missing out. But in reality, we make our own fun, we make our own passion, we make our own success. I know very few "successful" people who are really happy and who have healthy family lives. Some but not many. Professional success often has come at the expense of personal relationships. But we celebrate the professional success and not the happy families out there, living lives of love out of the spotlight. Your friend the nurse probably won't get the professional praise she deserves, but her positive attitude undoubtedly has improved many people's lives--including her own.
A client told me this week that she's successful (and she's a brilliant woman who has accomplished so much), but I challenged her: "are you?"
Women sacrifice so much to push/grind/go bigger while not stopping to ask, "What is success for me?"
It's a constant check-in for me. What I know is that when I bring passion/play/fun into my everyday life - from doing the laundry to writing this comment - the day looks so much brighter.
Thanks for chiming in Taste of France.
Oh this is just so timely! This morning I caught myself becoming bogged down in what I was perceiving as the never ending grind of laundry - then I thought of you, Tonya and decided to FKL my laundry! Not literally you understand but change my thinking to looking at it as a way of providing fresh clean clothes and bedding for me and mine - and who doesn't love clean sheets! Also the ironing is now the time I catch up with podcasts (including yours, of course) and listen to Italian and French radio to help retain my language skills. Suddenly, I am blessed and lucky to be doing those "chores" - so thank you Tonya for helping me to switch my thinking to the positive and life enhancing view!
Oh Tonya
Firstly, congratulations and sympathy on your suddenly grown up daughter. I remember when mine grew up and started work, the poor child had to phone me as soon as she got to work so I knew she was safe.....
And, yes, this search for your passion in life is crazy. I agree be passionate in your life, your interests, but not everyone has "the passion" to make us an Ophra or a Mother Theresa. So we feel stupid and less than because we cannot find this passion.
I surrendered to the Universe this week, trusting that it has my back, instead of fighting endlessly. The feeling of relief was huge.
Good luck to Sarah in her new grown up life, although, she will always be your baby.
xx
Oh how I love this post! I took your advice a few years ago and followed my curiosity and discovered what being passionate meant! Beautifully said as always!
This post should be shared with every high school and college student. It just makes sense. Passion is like a dog; the more we chase it the more it runs from us. Be still, stay in the moment, and it will find you! <3
I almost forgot, I am passionate this week about making space in my house and releasing what no longer serves me. I'm also passionate about some beautiful rhubarb my neighbor gifted me along with some tomato and pepper plants. I will be making some awesome recipes with the rhubarb and with the rest once the plants take off! Making new recipes is exciting for me 🙂
Finally,at fifty years old,I'm seeing the great fallacy of what I've always been told was the key to fulfillment,which was to do what you're passionate about. The problem was I could never find anything I was passionate about. I felt like some kind of weird failure. Surely, you're passionate about something?,people would ask. Nope. Keep looking was always the response. No one ever said, hey, just be passionate about the life you have now and things will start to fall into place. It was always just keep looking. It's taken me this long to learn how to #1- Get over the guilt of enjoying the material things that bring me happiness and #2-that a job is just a job and not necessarily the definition of who you are. Passion is truly not a thing but an expression. It is a way of living whatever life has been handed to you or you've chosen at any given point. No one explained that to me. So many self help gurus preach live your passion and I think that can be misleading. And too many people look for life fulfillment in their jobs because that's all their lives have become-their jobs. I truly appreciate your take on living because while not everyone can afford the things you can spend money on, everyone can afford to spend on the spirit in which you live.
Your comment means a lot Debra!
It's frustrating to search for something "out there" that was "in here" all along.
I hope to see you around.
xo,
Tonya