3 Times Life Almost Broke Me

Have you ever had a moment in life where you thought, this right here might actually break me? I've had three that come to mind, and each one left a mark that changed me forever. But what I didn't realize at the time was that those moments were building the strongest parts of me. And that's what we're talking about in today's episode, so let's dive in.

Welcome to the School of Self-Image, where personal development meets style. Here's your hostess, master life coach, Tonya Leigh.

Hello friends. Welcome to another episode. And I'm just going to go ahead and tell you right from the beginning that this is going to be a very real and personal and vulnerable episode that I've had a lot of resistance around recording. This I think is my fourth attempt, and I think it's important for you all to know what goes on behind the scenes. There are some episodes that just flow and are so easy, and then there are occasional ones where you're like, "Gosh. I'm having such a hard time recording this and I'm trying to figure out why." And I think for me, it's probably why it's so hard for a lot of us. It's letting people see the most raw, real version of you. The part that maybe you want to hide, the part that maybe you're not so proud of. The part that maybe you don't even want to revisit. You're like, "I have moved beyond that and I don't want to ever think about it again." And yet, and yet, those are the moments when I think about it. Have shaped the best parts of me.

I think about the concept of Wabi-sabi, which is an ancient Japanese philosophy that finds beauty in the imperfect and the incomplete. It's the opposite of the airbrushed, perfection obsessed culture that we find ourselves living in. Wabi-sabi is about loving the cracks in a teacup because they tell a story. It's seeing aging as graceful, not something to fix. It's finding meaning in the messiness. It's embracing that life and we are most beautiful, not in spite of our flaws, but because of them. And so, yeah. I want to share three times life almost broke me. Because now looking back, I realize it wasn't breaking me, it was making me unbreakable. And what was really going on was that it was causing me to really look at the parts of myself that needed to be broken and needed to be rearranged and some parts that I needed to let go of completely.

And I'm doing this episode number one because someone asked me this question recently. When did life feel like it was breaking you wide open? And I had to really stop and think about it. And when I identified three moments, I was like, "Gosh. I want to share this with the community." But also I want us to normalize talking about our humaneness. I think there can be shame, there can be guilt, there can be this fear of taking off the mask. But until we're ready to face that and to step into being our realist most truest selves, we are always going to be battling with ourselves. And perhaps that's one of the gifts of the work that we do within the membership. Perhaps that's the gift of aging. Perhaps that's the gift of just being broken over and over again. That you finally realize, why am I hanging onto this stuff? Why am I letting fear of being seen stop me from living my most full life? So yeah, let's talk about it.

Three times life almost broke me, but didn't. It actually made me so much stronger. So the first time that came to mind was when I went through my divorce with my first husband, which happens to be Sarah's father. Now keep in mind I was 18 when I got married. I say that now and it's so shocking to me. It's like, how was I 18 and married? And then I had my daughter four years later, so I was 22 when I had her. But at 18, you don't know yourself. So obviously I made so many mistakes in that relationship.

But when I felt like life was breaking me was when I found myself living in this tiny apartment with my daughter and being so afraid, being afraid of how I'm going to provide for her, being afraid of my own ability. That's what it was. Because you have to understand, I was raised in a very traditional family in the deep south where you're married, the man typically provides, and that your job is just to be a good mother and a good wife, which that's always a beautiful, beautiful goal if that's what you're called to do. But what that stripped for me is that I had not yet figured out who I was. I had not built my own self confidence. I was afraid of my own shadow. I was afraid of myself. Could I really do this? Could I handle the responsibilities of being a single mother?

What was shattering for me at that time was how I thought my life would go. The fairy tale that I had imagined in my entire childhood was crumbling before me. And looking back now, it's so clear. If I look at it through the lens of Wabi-sabi, yeah, it was broken apart. But what was put back together was a stronger version of myself who had to figure out how to create the fairy tale for herself. And that's the thing. If you never face those moments, you never know what you are capable of. You never have to face your own doubts, your own fears, your own limiting beliefs. But when you feel like your backs against the wall and life is breaking you open, that's when all of this stuff comes to the surface, the stuff that you need to look at. The beliefs that tell you, you can't do this, you're too old. This is never going to work out for you. You have the worst luck. You don't have what it takes. All of that is what is exposed when you are broken apart. And then you can begin to put back the pieces that are the truest, rawest, realest version of you.

And so yeah, looking back now, I'm so grateful for that moment. Now, I wasn't grateful when I was in it. All those tears, all those nights of worry. But they were an invitation. They were an invitation for me to really examine how I was holding myself back. And so that's moment number one.

The second time I feel like life almost broke me ... And it's something I haven't talked about in a while. I've mentioned it in previous podcasts a long time ago. But in my ... Let's see. Late 20s, I developed an eating disorder. I had bulimia. Now, if you've ever experienced a type of eating disorder, you understand the secret hell that you live in because it is often associated with a lot of shame and people suffer silently, or at least I did. And I just want to preface all of this with saying, if you find yourself in that place right now, seek help. There's no shame in admitting, you know what, I need support to help me figure this out. I think that's my number one thing that I wish I could go back and talk to my former self and be like, "Girl, you don't have to go through this alone. It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to be supported. It's okay to not know how to do this on your own." But I didn't. It was something that I held closely that I suffered with privately. And it was a time in my life that truly almost broke me.

I remember very clearly, like it was yesterday, dropping my daughter off at school and I was supposed to meet some friends for tennis. I was playing tennis back then. And I felt this just deep compulsion to forget about my friends, to forget about my commitment that I'd made to them and drive to Dunkin Donuts and get two dozen donut holes. And I remember the entire time I was doing it, I was crying. I was like, "God, Tonya, why can't you figure out this part of your life?" Because on the outside it looked like I had it all together. I was living in a nice home. My daughter was doing well. I was looking cute on the outside, but on the inside I was a mess. A hot mess. And so I remember crying as I'm driving to Dunkin Donuts, knowing that I was supposed to be going in the opposite direction to meet my friends to play tennis. And I pulled up, wiped the tears from my face. I walked in, I get the two dozen donut holes. And it was a weird, interesting feeling of relief in that moment of knowing I was going to go home and do this thing that was so familiar and yet at the same time, I knew I was not only hurting my health, but I was going further and further away from myself.

Every time I did that, every time I engaged in that eating disorder, I was becoming more and more disconnected from me. And it was just fueling the self-loathing and the shame every time I did it. And I remember on that particular day, I did it and I said to myself, this is going to be the last time. Now, when you say that to yourself and you've been struggling with something like this for years, it feels like you have ripped the crutches away from someone who thinks they can't walk. It brings up everything. And it was at that moment that I decided to share what I was going through with someone. Because up until then, no one knew. My daughter didn't know my family didn't know my husband at the time, he didn't know. I kept this inside. And the first thing that I did is I was like, I have to share this with someone. But that day I was on my knees, literally on my knees feeling like life was just breaking me open because I realized I could not continue like this. And yet I didn't know who I was without this eating disorder because I had been suffering for years with it.

And so yeah, that was the day that I called a very trusted friend, and I said, "I need to talk to you. I need to share what's been going on with me." And it was such a relief that two dozen of Dunkin Donuts donut holes could never fill. It was that moment of vulnerability of saying, I have a problem and the strength of approaching it with and I want to figure it out, and I know I can't do it alone, and so I need help. And that friend ended up being such a great support for me and helping me understand what was really going on and pointing me to resources that could really serve me and support me and help me through that chapter of my life. And so when I look back, what that taught me, again, how strong I really am, and it's okay to ask for help. It's okay to be supported. It doesn't mean you're weak. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It just means you're human and we're here to support each other.

Some people have the answers to what you keep struggling with. It's okay to ask them. It's okay to be mentored. It's okay to be coached. It's okay to read books that help you through seasons of your life. What really matters is that you are committed to tapping into your strength, that you're committed to figuring things out, and that you never ever give up on yourself. No matter how hard it feels at the time, no matter how down you think you are, don't give up on yourself because remember those moments actually, they're making you stronger. So that was moment number two.

Moment number three of life almost breaking me came out of nowhere. It came at a time where I thought my life was about to take off and God was like, "No, girl. We got different plans for you. Not time yet." And it wasn't just a moment, it was probably two years of constant stress, sleepless nights. I lost so much weight during that time because I wasn't eating. I wasn't really taking care of myself because I was so full of worry. My entire nervous system was in fight or flight, and that was with me knowing the tools that I practice every single day. I can't imagine my life at the time had I not had these tools. I barely felt like I was keeping it together with these tools. So without them, maybe life would've broken me completely. And I've talked about this before, but if you're new to the podcast, maybe you haven't heard this story. But when my daughter went off to college ... What was that? 2016 I think it was. I thought to myself, this is my time. I have been married and then a mother most of my adulthood, now I get to just do me. I get to travel and I get to focus on my business and I just get to take care of me.

And about six months into her being away at college in California, she became very sick and we didn't know what was going on. It was some crazy wild neurological symptoms that then became muscular. And turns out she had mold illness. She was living in a dorm with black mold. And that turned into her being diagnosed with Lyme disease. She had to come home from college. And literally for two plus years, our lives were just upheavaled. And it was a constant battle of trying to figure out what was going on with her. I joke now, but seriously, I was like, "I think I could study for with the medical boards and pass." I was up sometimes until four and 5:00 AM studying about The Krebs Cycle, trying to figure out what mold does to someone's body, about detox pathways. I just became obsessed. And then I got into Facebook forums and I'm in there. It was such a heavy, dark period because talk about environment and surroundings. I was surrounding myself with other people who were suffering with this because I was trying to find the answer. And so life just felt so heavy.

And then to have your daughter who you thought her life was going to go in one direction, and suddenly it's going in a completely different direction that you didn't plan. It wasn't just like your fairy tale. This wasn't part of your fairy tale. This isn't what you had thought your life and your daughter's life was going to be. It's a shock. It's like what Martha Beck calls that death and rebirth. It's a dying of what you thought you were supposed to be doing. It's a dying of an identity. It's a dying of a path You thought you were on and embracing that maybe just maybe there are other plans in store for you. But that was a time I think of all of the times that one was the most hard because it was my daughter. It wasn't just me.

With me, I think moms were like, "We got it. We can handle it." But when it starts affecting our children, that taps into that maternal instinct of mama bear and protection. And when you feel like you can't protect your child, when you can't figure things out, it is so frustrating. But I will tell you now, looking back, it was such a gift. I think the biggest gift that came out of this was ... Well, there are several. But the biggest one is now looking at the effect that that has had on my daughter. She appreciates and takes care of herself in such a way that I don't think she would have had this not happened. She is so in touch with her body. She's so careful about what she eats and her environment. She's very in tune with her own energy. And a lot of times we can go through our entire lives and never have that kind of connection with ourselves so that was one major gift.

The other gift for me ... Well, there are a couple. One is I learned that I have more capacity than I realized. Again, you don't know what you're made of until life requires you to tap deep. And let me tell you, this was a moment where I had to really tap in. And again, I cannot say this enough. I am so grateful for the tools that I had because looking back now, even my daughter has said, "Mom, I cannot believe how optimistic you stayed during all of that." Because there was a time where she lost her ability to form words. She would hold her hands out and it was like she had Parkinson's. She would just be shaking. And yet I kept reminding myself, the body wants to heal. I kept reminding myself, we can figure this out. We're going to figure this out. I don't know how, I don't know when, but it was that determination and tenacity that kept me going.

Now, at the time, I also had my business. So I had clients. I had a smaller team then. And so what I learned during that period is that you don't give up on the dream, but you may have to adjust your goals. You may have to adjust your timeline. Because I had planned to start putting so much more effort and attention into my business when all of a sudden, again, life had different plans. Now, I didn't give up on the dream, I just delayed the timeline a little bit. I had to reassess my priorities during the season with new data that I didn't have before. The data that now, oh, my daughter is sick and she is the priority. She always will be. But I'm really proud of how I handled that period of just a lot of multitasking, which I don't recommend. But there are seasons in our lives when we need to. Life isn't perfectly wrapped up in a box. It can be messy.

But I will say I scaled back my goals for that year. Especially there was one year in particular where I was like, okay, my number one focus is going to be on her healing, and yet I didn't want to give up on my business altogether and so I just scaled it back a little bit. And it was quite the juggling act. There was one moment in particular that I remember where when she was diagnosed with Lyme disease, we found this treatment that people were saying had been very helpful. One of the facilities that offered it was in Mexico and so we have to go check in for a month. Now as soon as you check in, they take your clothes. You're only allowed to wear their uniform, which was this ugly yellow sweat suit. I'm still confused as to why they chose that yellow. I don't know. Maybe they were thinking it was going to make people happy, but it's one of those yellows that doesn't look good on the majority of the human population. But I digress. I wore it for an entire month and they take away your coffee. So I had to smuggle some of that in because I'm like, "Listen, I'm here as a support person, not the patient, and I want my coffee." And so there were a few of us who smuggled it in.

But I was juggling showing up for all of her appointments throughout the day and working and it was like I was having whiplash. I would go from a coaching session, which then thank God it was on the phone, and then immediately go run to an appointment where she was about to get hyperbaric treatments. So it was really interesting, but just again, it showed me, oh my God, Tonya, you have so much more capacity than you've ever given yourself recognition for. And I know that to be true for everyone listening here. Sometimes I wonder if we're only working at 2% capacity. Now, I don't think we need to burn ourselves out. I don't think we need to hustle our way through lives. But during certain seasons, I don't think we all realize what we're capable of. And here lately, I have been wondering if there have been certain things in my life that subconsciously I created just so I could show myself what I'm capable for. Now, I don't think I created Sarah's illness. I don't think that at all. So don't get that wrong. But I do looking back and see where I made certain decisions that ripped the carpet out from under me just so I could see that, you know what? I can still stand on the ground beneath me.

In preparing for this podcast that I've had so much resistance in recording, but here we are ... Thank you for still sticking around with me. But I've been thinking about what would I go back and say to those former versions of me and to the woman I was? And so I think about the young woman standing in front of the mirror after leaving her marriage, afraid of who she'd be without the label of wife, especially the good wife. And I would hold her hands and I would say, "Listen, you are not falling apart. You're actually falling into yourself. And every baby step that you take right now that may not seem like a lot, it's going to be the foundation that you're going to stand on for the rest of your life." And then I think about the version of me just to hunched over and shame trying to eat away the ache or purge away the pain. I would say to her, you don't need to be fixed. You just need to be loved. And one day you're going to learn how to give that love to yourself, not through control, but through compassion.

And then to the woman watching her daughter in a hospital bed pretending to keep it together, pretending to be strong while quietly falling apart, I would sit beside her and I'd say, "Listen, you're doing so much better than you think. You are going to rise from this not harder, but deeper." I would also tell her, "You don't know it yet, but there are going to be so many beautiful lessons that come from this, not just for you, but for your daughter." And I would also say, "Listen, all this love that you give to others, all this support, it's time that you start giving some of that to yourself too." Because that's one of the things that I put on the back burner was my own self-care. And this is something that we do as women often. When the people around us need us, we think, "Oh, I'm strong enough. I can handle it." And we start delaying our own self-care and it just chips away at us. So it's hard to show up fully for others when you aren't fueling yourself.

And so I would definitely remind myself of that because now I know life wasn't breaking me. It was simply shaping me. It was refining me. It was toughening the soft parts and softening the tough parts. It was making room for the woman that I am now, a woman who is strong because she cracked. A woman who knows that beauty isn't perfection, it's in the becoming.

So if you feel like life is trying to break you right now, here's what I want you to know. It's okay to not have it all together. It's okay to cry in the shower or question everything at 2:00 A.M. It doesn't mean that you're weak. It means that you're human. And I know it might feel like everything's falling apart, but you're not broken. You're simply being rebuilt. And I promise you, this version of you that comes out on the other side, she is stronger, she's softer, she's wiser. And this moment might not make sense yet, but one day you're going to look back and realize it was building something in you that nothing else could. So don't rush it. Don't judge it. Just keep showing up for yourself because you're not being broken. You're simply being made. Have a beautiful week, my friends, and I will see you on next week's episode. Cheers.