The “Be” Decision

What if the most important decision you make today isn't about what to do but who to be? You see, in every situation you are making a choice, often unconsciously about your state of being, and that choice is shaping your entire experience of life. So today we are going to explore the be decision, a powerful shift that can transform how you show up in every moment, handle challenges, and create results in your life. So let's dive in.

Welcome to the School of Self-Image, where personal development meets style. Here's your hostess, master life coach Tonya Leigh.

Good morning, my friends, or good afternoon, depending on when you're listening to this episode. Today, we are talking about the most important decision that you make on a daily basis, on an hourly basis, on a minute-by-minute basis. That is what I call the be decision, asking yourself, "Who do I want to be right now?"

I was inspired to do this episode for a couple of reasons. Number one, I am seeing a lot of suffering in the world. It seems like when I look around me, I am seeing people full of anxiety, full of worry, full of frustration, and it is clear to me that their states of being are a result of them wanting the world to be a certain way in order for them to feel better. That's just not how the world works. Things happen that maybe you don't want to happen, and that is the nature of life. Life is not going to go your way 100% of the time.

I was reminded of this recently because a couple of weeks ago I was in New York City getting ready for the final stop of the SOSI tour, and before the event, I get a call from my mother. She is crying, and she tells me that my dad is not well. I already knew that he's been sick for a long time, but she was telling me that the nurses think he is within hours, maybe days, of transitioning. I watched myself immediately go into a default state of doom and gloom and, more than anything, guilt. Guilt, because I wasn't there.

I took a deep breath, and I asked myself who I wanted to be in this moment with nothing outside of me changing. Things are the way they are. Who do I want to be in this moment? And I consciously chose to be sad. I wanted to give myself that permission because I don't think we're always supposed to be happy. I don't think we're always supposed to gaslight ourselves into feeling some way that we don't actually feel. But I think we also need to ask ourselves, do these feelings serve us for what we want to achieve long-term?

In that moment, I wanted to feel sad. I also wanted to feel immense gratitude. I shifted my thoughts and I chose a different state of being. From that new state of being, I asked myself, "Okay, what needs to happen now?" And I had women who were flying in, and I wanted to be present for them, and we had the most extraordinary night. If we were in New York City, did we not have fun? We had so much fun, but I also wanted to get back home. So I changed my flight to leave out the next morning extremely early, which I hate early morning flights, but you got to do what you got to do when I got home, and I was able to be by my dad's side the very next day.

I share that with you because the old me would have not responded in such a way. The old me would have spent so much time in my head thinking about what a terrible daughter I was, about how I couldn't show up and be present at this event, all because I wasn't consciously choosing my state of being. I'm telling you all it is one of the most important decisions you'll make, and here's why. Your beingness is the energy, the predominant energy that you are embodying in any given moment.

That energy is a result of your thoughts, and that beingness is truly creating your entire experience. It's why two people can be in the exact same circumstance but be two very different people. One person can be grateful, maybe even playful, maybe even excited, and the other one can be miserable, anxious, and worried. Why? Because of who they are being. What I want you to know more than anything is that your being is a conscious choice. It is something that you get to choose. But I also want to let you know if you're waiting to be different as a result of the outside world changing, you are keeping yourself trapped.

Carol Dweck, who is the author of the book Mindset, it's an incredible book if you haven't read it, but her research shows that people who be-lieve, I want you to think about that, it's be-lieve that they can grow, which she calls being growth-minded, actually develop more neural pathways than those who don't. So it's not about what they're doing. It's about who they're being and the thoughts they're choosing to focus on and practice believing. But what I often see happen is that most of us, without these tools, just go through life on autopilot. Something happens, and boom, we react based on old patterns, old stories, old ways of being. We're triggered, and before we know it, we're being the anxious one, the angry one, the victim, the martyr, the perfectionist, whatever our default setting might be. I want you to really ask yourself, "What is your typical default setting when something doesn't go your way? When you are triggered, where do you usually go?" And I don't want you to blame yourself.

I don't want you to beat yourself up because that just adds another level of beingness that doesn't serve you. I want you to watch yourself as you would watch a caterpillar crawl across the grass just with curiosity and notice what your typical default state of being is when life is stressful. I'm not talking about when times are good. That's when it's easy to be a certain way. But you might find that even when times are good, you're being in a way that doesn't serve you.

Sometimes when times are good, we are being worried because we have thoughts like, "Oh, I'm about to lose it. The shoe's about to drop. This is too good to be true." So notice your default setting when times are good, but also notice where you like to go, who you tend to be when life gets stressful. I want you to realize that that is an optional state of being. The world does not have to change in order for you to change your state of being. But here's the really cool part. When you begin to shift your state of being during stressful times, the stressful times begin to reorganize and mirror something back differently to you. The reason why is, if you will notice your pattern when you are being a certain way as a result of thinking certain thoughts, your energy shifts. When your energy shifts, you take different actions from a different state of being, and those actions tend to create results that reconfirm your state of being.

So when I think back to getting that call from my parent or my mom and I decided I want to be sad, but I also want to be extremely grateful, I calmed my nervous system, I allowed myself to cry on a bench outside restaurant where I was sitting when I got the call, and then I just shifted into gratitude and presence. I got to work. I changed the flight, easy-peasy. When I got to my dad's bedside, I cried and had so much gratitude. When I walked into the door of my parents' home, I thought to myself, "I want to enjoy every moment. I want to be so grateful. I want to be so loving. I want to be so attentive. I want to be that daughter that my dad raised me to be." And that be decision drove my actions over the next few days.

Yesterday my dad hit a golf ball. It's miraculous, quite honestly, because I didn't think I had but a couple of days with him when I got there. He was bedridden. We're having to do everything for him. But I wonder if that energy shifted his energy. That energy gave him something to fight for. I don't know. It's just a hypothetical guess. But maybe, because before I got there, the energy was different. Yesterday he hit a golf ball. Now granted, my brother was hanging onto him because he's very unsteady, but it was such a gift to see, and I was just so mesmerized by the entire cycle that I was experiencing because I answered the question, "Who do I want to be in this moment?"

This is the work that we do within the School of Self-Image, and I am here to tell you, I have seen women go from years of struggling with money, for example, to creating wealth because they shifted their state of being. I've seen women who have struggled with their weight for years lose the weight and keep it off because they shifted their state of being. I have seen women who have struggled in relationships and finding love go from single to happily in a partnership with someone because they shifted their state of being. No amount of action could have gotten them that result. They may have gotten it temporarily, but then they would lose it because their state of being didn't catch up to this new result. Their self-image didn't catch up to this new result. That's what self-image is. Self-image is your state of being. How you see yourself, how you think about yourself creates your state of being. So how do we shift it? How do you make the be decision consciously because we're all being a certain way, but a lot of times it's just habitual and default modes of being?

So I want to talk about the self-image pause. You can also think of it as the sacred pause. The next time you are in a challenging situation and you find yourself going into that default state of being, maybe it's worry, maybe it's anger, maybe it's frustration, maybe it's sadness, I want you just to stop and notice the trigger. Just stop and ask yourself, "What just triggered me?" Did you get a phone call? Did your kid just spill her drink? Did you just learn that you didn't get the client? Just notice the trigger because what I want you to know is that you're not feeling the way you're feeling because of what just happened. You're having some thoughts that's triggering that emotion, that's creating that state of being. In that sacred pause, that moment, I'm noticing the trigger. I want you to take three deep breaths.

I'm doing it right now in case you're wondering, and I want you to go to this question. With things being the way they are right now, who do I want to be in this moment? Who do I want to be right now? Do I want to be angry? Do I want to be worried? Or do I want to be confident? Do I want to be relaxed? Do I want to be calm? Maybe you want to be sad. Choose it on purpose. Maybe you want to be angry. Choose it on purpose and understand why you are choosing it. Really explore how it might be serving you, or maybe you discover it's not serving you and that at that moment you can choose a different state of being. But who do I want to be right now? Do I want to be present? Do I want to be joyful? Do I want to be playful? Do I want to be confident? Do I want to be abundant? Do I want to be excited? You get to choose those states of being.

Imagine that you're running late for an important meeting. Your default state of being might be to feel stressed, rushed, apologetic. But what if you chose to be composed, present, and confident instead? I want you to understand, your brain is constantly seeking to prove itself true. You have to tell your brain what you want, not let your brain tell you what's up, but you tell your brain, "Here's what we're doing. This is who we're being." And it forces your brain to look for the complimentary accessories that it needs in order to be that way. So the moment you tell your brain, "Hey, listen, Right now, we're going to choose to be composed, present, and confident."

Now your brain's like, "Okay, if this is what we're committing to, I guess I've got to look around and find new ways to think. I got to change my body language. I'm going to have to shift the energy here." But if you do that day after day, month after month, year after year, you will find yourself, years from now, literally being a completely different person. How do I know this? Because I remember how I used to be. I used to be constantly overwhelmed, constantly worried, constantly insecure. Today, I am the complete opposite of that. Why? Because I took advantage of the self-image pause over and over and over again. I'm not going to sit here and tell you it was easy because that default mode of being that comes so naturally, and we do it so often that we just think, "Oh, this is just who we are." But it's only because you haven't been deciding on purpose who you want to be.

Studies from the University of California show that people who make conscious choices about their emotional states show greater resilience and better outcomes in challenging situations. So it's not about denying your initial reaction. It's about choosing who you want to be and how you want to respond to it. Here's what's fascinating. Your being creates a ripple effect. When you choose to be calm, you think calmer thoughts, which lead to calmer actions, which create calmer results. It's a beautiful cycle that starts with this simple be decision. I've seen this transform lives in remarkable ways.

You all, I want to give you another exercise so that you can begin to make your be decisions consciously on purpose. This is inspired by Dr. Benjamin Hardy, who has shown that identity shifts create more sustainable results than changing your willpower. This is why your state of being is so important. Your being is your identity. It's how you see yourself, who you are being. So one of the things that I often hear women say is, "I want to stop overeating. I want to stop procrastinating. I want to stop snapping at my kids." And they are focusing on the action. I want you to, instead, focus on the being part of it. I want you to shift into a positive reframe.

So for example, instead of saying, "I want to stop procrastinating," shift that to, "I am becoming someone who takes immediate action. This is an identity-based decision. I want to be someone who takes immediate action. This is who I'm becoming." And telling your brain that, because if you go to, "I want to stop procrastinating," and you've been procrastinating maybe for years to, "I am a woman who always takes immediate action," your brain's going to be like, "No, you don't. You're lying. It's not true." And that cognitive dissonance can actually backfire, but your brain can believe that you are becoming that. That this is who we're practicing being.

So just notice your language around this and focus your language around shifting your identity. I am becoming... Who do you want to become? Instead of saying, "I need to exercise." Or, "I want to exercise more." Shift it to, "I am becoming an active, healthy person." And notice the difference. Notice what you are inspired to think, what you are inspired to do, and the results of that. Some really helpful states of being that you can also start to practice and explore is going from reactive to responsive instead of immediately reacting in old ways. Stop, notice the trigger. Take three deep breaths and ask yourself, "Who do I want to be in this moment?" And let your response come from that conscious state of being. I'm telling you all it will change your life.

I used to get so triggered all of the time. Now, rarely do I get triggered. Every once in a while I do, and I'm like, "Oh, there's something else to learn here." But rarely do I get triggered. I love to be thoughtful and respond appropriately, which takes some time. Sometimes it means stepping away from the situation and asking myself, "Okay, you are obviously triggered right now. Let's take a look before you say something you're going to regret, before you show up and act in a way that you will not be proud of later." Because we've all done it. We've all been there. We are all so human. But this is a practice.

The other state of being that I encourage us all to practice is being curious versus judgmental, and this practice must start with ourselves because the reason why we're so judgmental towards other people is because we're so judgmental of ourselves. We're just projecting that onto everybody else. So start to be curious with yourself. Instead of saying, "Oh my God, you're such a loser." Be like, "Huh, I wonder why I did that. I wonder what thoughts I had that created me to feel that way and to show up that way." It's such a more beautiful way to live. There's so much more grace in that way of being versus always being so hard on yourself and judgmental of yourself. But then this also is something to practice with other people. Listen, we need this in the world more now than ever before.

We can be so divided because we no longer are curious about each other, like, "Huh, I wonder why you feel that way?" And be really curious, really want to understand and know the answer. I wonder why you did that. Really try to understand where that person is coming from. I'm telling you all if you want a better world, this is the way to create it versus automatically judging people without understanding them, without knowing their story, without knowing where they came from.

The other state of being, which is so important, especially in this day and age where it may seem practically impossible, is practicing being present versus distracted. If you tell your brain, "Hey, today we're going to be present." When you are tempted to pick up that phone and start scrolling, that's a beautiful moment for a self-image pause to be like, "Okay, who do I want to be in this moment?" Because every thought you think and every action that you take is a vote for who you want to be. So if you do not like who you're being, if you don't like the results that you're creating, it's time to start voting for a different version of you. The way to do that is through the self-image pause over and over again.

The other one is being authentic versus being performative. So many of us are performing. I've done it. Out here trying to be who everybody wants me to be, trying to make everybody happy, and it's exhausting. It is so exhausting. I've done many podcasts on this. But what does it look like for you to be authentic, to be true to you, to honor what you value, to say what you want to say from a very conscious, thoughtful place where you've chosen your state of being? Before you just start mouthing off things, which is what we often do, and we say, "Oh, we're being authentic." No, you're just reacting to an emotional state that you did not choose consciously. It's very different versus saying, "You know what? Right now I want to be authentic. I also want to be kind." So what does that look like? And it may not change the words, but it may change the tone.

So those are four really great states of being for a lot of people to practice. They're ones that I continuously practice myself. I will tell you this, my life has become so much better. So much better. I don't need the world to be different in order for me to be different. But when I be different, the world does change.

Now what I've shared today is just a drop in the bucket of something that I have for you. I have been asked by women for months now to bring back one of my most popular workshops called Week of Calm. I had not planned to run this workshop this year because I have other really exciting projects that I'm working on. But I saw a need. I've seen it within myself. I've seen it in the community that I live in. I've seen it with clients. I'm seeing it in the world. We need more calm. We need more levelheadedness. We need more cool and chill in this world. The reason why I believe that so deeply is because when we are calm, we create a calmer world, your home becomes calmer, and you take better actions from a calmer state.

I've had women in the past who have gone through this workshop tell me that it has saved their marriages, that their health is better, that their businesses grew, all because they chose a different state of being. They made the be decision consciously. Because it's around the holidays, and I understand that we have a lot on our plates, a lot of things to get done, I have decided to run a condensed version of the Week of Calm and add in some new material that I haven't covered before, and it's going to be called Calm, Cool, and Connected. It is going to be a powerful three days, and I'm offering this at no cost to you.

If you are feeling a lot of anxiety, if you are frustrated, if you are worried, if you are noticing that it's impacting your ability to sleep, if you are unable to focus and concentrate, and if you feel like you're just stuck in the state of being that you are so done with and you're so tired of, I get it. It seems like since 2020, many of us got stuck in these cycles where we just can't seem to get out. But I'm here to tell you, Calm, Cool, and Connected can help you.

So if you would love to join us for this three-day event, all you need to do is go to schoolofselfimage.com/calm, and I promise you this, if you attend these three days, your future self will be thanking you for it. I'm going to be giving you tools to think about and to practice in your daily life, and I'm going to be sharing with you how to stay cool even when everybody else is seemingly chaotic and not so cool, and how to connect to what truly matters. It is going to be a powerful three days. So come and join us. You can go again, to schoolofselfimage.com/calm, and I cannot wait to see you at this event. I hope you all have the most beautiful week and remember to make the be decision on purpose. I'll see you on the next episode. Cheers.