Burn Down Your Success Strategy

What if the very thing that made you successful is now the thing keeping you stuck? You see, so many of us build our lives around a strategy that once worked: hustling, pleasing, proving, but at some point, it stops serving us. In today's episode, we're exposing these outdated success strategies and learning how to burn them down, so that you can create success with more ease, confidence, and alignment. Let's dive in.

Welcome to the School of Self-Image, where personal development meets style. Here's your hostess, master life coach, Tonya Leigh.

Hello, my friends. How are you doing? I'm trying to be a little quiet because I have a house full of people who are staying with me, and I know as soon as they wake up, they're going to want to hit the ground running. I have work to do. I want them to sleep.

It's like when you used to have babies in the house and you don't want to wake them up, because you want to actually get things done. That's how I feel right now. We'll see how it goes. Today, we are talking about breaking up. I know, it's a sad day, but it's also an amazing day, because this is something you may want to consider breaking up with. That, my friend, is your success strategy, and I'm going to explain to you what I mean.

I want to ask you this: what if the very thing that has made you successful is now the very thing keeping you stuck? One of the things that I work a lot with women around within the School of Self-Image membership is recognizing what they need to let go of in order to step into the next version of themselves. Oftentimes, the very thing that they need to let go of is the very thing that has helped them be successful in life. That's really difficult to do, because we've never created success any other way.

There's a saying that says, "What got you here won't get you there." A mistake that I see women make is trying to create new results with the same strategy that has helped them create past results, but their new results are going to require a completely different version of them and completely different strategies, but because they've never done it before, it's so uncomfortable they don't quite trust it yet.

I was having a really great conversation with Fonz not too long ago, and we were talking about how the two of us were raised and how we survived our childhood. Now, this is really important, because your success strategies most likely stem from your childhood. They helped you be successful in your home, in your school, and society. Fonz was looking at my success strategy as a weakness, because one of my success strategies in the past has been people pleasing.

I was explaining to him, I'm like, "Actually, you've got it all wrong. It was a huge superpower." You can say what you want, it was manipulation. That's what it was. It was like, "I'm going to do whatever I can do to keep me safe." That means lying and saying I want to do things that I don't want to do. Anything to keep people happy, I was really good at. I didn't want conflict. I didn't want to disappoint people. Let me tell you, my friends: I have had a lot of success through people pleasing.

I have built relationships. When I worked as a nurse, I'm convinced that people pleasing helped me get promotions, helped me get jobs, and I avoided conflict by always making other people happy. You know what the downside is? If you're a people pleaser, you know you're drained from constantly putting everybody else first. You don't set boundaries. You end up being resentful, and it also can hold you back. True leaders, and if you're building something great, you're going to disappoint people in the pursuit of a big vision.

Not everybody's going to understand your vision. Not everybody's going to agree with it. People will doubt it. If you're trying to please everyone, you are not being true to yourself and the vision that you have for your business, for your life, for the world. Really think about amazing leaders, leaders that you respect. You will not find one that is a people pleaser, because you can't be.

Once I realized this, I was like, "Okay, this is really going to hold me back. I'm going to have to burn down my success strategy in order to create what it is that I see in my mind, in order for me to have the impact that I know I am here to make. I'm going to have to burn it down." I think back to all of the decisions that I've made over the last 15 years, and how I've had to break up with people pleasing in order to get to the next level. I think about even the most recent change.

We completely redid our membership. After going back and reading through reviews, and talking with our members, and looking at all of the feedback that we've gotten over the past few years, we sat down as a team. At the end of the day, I sat with myself, and I really thought about my vision for the School of Self-Image. I thought about my members, and how I want them to feel, and the results that I wanted them to get, and I made some decisions. There were some people who did not like them.

Of course, that inner people pleaser, she was very upset with me because she doesn't like disappointing people. She wishes that she can make the entire world happy, but I know that that's no longer possible, even though back then, I tried. It's just impossible, because everybody's going to have a different idea about what you should do with your life, what you should say, what you should wear, where you should go. I just had to get still and really listen to myself. Now, the membership is better than it's ever been.

I'm telling you, we have members reaching out to us, saying, "Oh, my God, you have really taken this to the next level. It is so streamlined, it is so effective, it's so beautiful. The energy is completely different," and that is because I have been willing to break up with my success strategy of people pleasing. Let's talk about my man Fonz, because he has had a success strategy that has kept him very safe in life, and it looks the complete opposite of my success strategy.

My success strategy would probably have gotten him killed, literally. He grew up in Oakland in the eighties and nineties. It was very rough. He was on the streets as a foster kid. We were talking about this, and I just found it so fascinating. People pleasing literally would've been the worst success strategy. It would not have been successful for him. What did he have to do? He built a success strategy of being the fortress. If I don't let people in, they can't hurt me. He didn't trust people.

He built walls to protect himself. He relied only on himself. He avoided vulnerability. The only way he would let you in was to challenge you to see if you were strong enough. Can I trust you? Have you got my back? Are you going to be there when things get hard? Now I look at his life, and that success strategy has helped him build such amazing friendships. I'm talking about friends he's had since high school. They are still close. They're like brothers.

The people that know Fonz, when he's your friend, he's your friend. He will go down and fight till his final breath for you, and he also pushes people away. He does that strategically as part of his success strategy. He's going to test you to see if you're, he's going to test you to be like, "Are you a real one, or are you going to hurt me?" At the end of the day, what we're all trying to do is avoid pain and pursue pleasure. That is what the brain is wired to do, and these success strategies help us to achieve that goal. That's what they're designed to do.

Depending on the environments that we grew up in, depending on what we were taught as children, we developed these success strategies. I want you to ask yourself, what has allowed you to create success in your life? Who did you have to be to become successful? When you are trying to create new results, especially results that are so far outside of your self-image, you literally have to create yourself into a different human.

One of the things that you have to do is you have to be willing to look at your success strategies, and be willing to burn them down to take you to that next level, to step into that vision that you have for yourself. What got you here will not get you there. I see this all of the time with my members. They will come to me and they'll say, "I have been trying so hard. I've been taking so much action. I'm following the plan. I've got my strategy, but I keep hitting up against this ceiling."

It's because their current self-image is used to a certain success strategy that is going to inhibit them from going to the next level. That's why I love the self-image work so much. It is so life-changing, because once you see it, you can't unsee it. You're like, "Oh, okay, I realize I'm going to have to feel the discomfort of letting the success strategy go in order for me to see what's possible." I want to talk about some of the common success strategies that I have seen hold women back.

I want you just to notice which one feels true for you. Now, you may be listening to this and thinking, "Oh, my god, I'm all of them," but there's probably one dominant one that has been your biggest player in helping you to be successful. The first one is the hustler. Hard work is the only way to succeed is the main belief of the hustler. Most likely, you've built your career by outworking everyone, staying up late, pushing through exhaustion, saying yes to everything, and it has helped you be successful.

I think about startups. I think about when you're first starting building a business, that hustler energy will get you results. It will help you be successful until it doesn't. You can't scale a company with hustle energy, because it's going to require a completely different framework of thinking, a completely different framework of leadership.

Hustling can only get you so far, because you're burnt out, you're exhausted, and you feel like no amount of work is ever enough. You're stuck in this cycle of overwork with diminishing returns. The hustler really struggles to trust that ease, delegation, and rest can lead to even greater success, because they've never experienced it before. Their current level of success has been through hustle energy, and that's going to be the exact thing that holds you back.

Another common success strategy is what I call the chameleon. The chameleon blends in and becomes who everybody wants them to be. They're really good at adapting to different environments, and making themselves likeable and socially acceptable, and they excel in different spaces by mirroring others. You can create a lot of success through being a chameleon, but let's look at how it holds you back. You have no idea who you really are, and you are exhausted from constantly shifting personas. Deep down, you just feel disconnected from your true desires, and yet you're afraid to fully show up as yourself.

Another common success strategy is the fighter, and this person believes that they have to struggle to prove themselves. This is the person who is used to conflict. They've risen above challenges. They have fought to prove people wrong, and they've made a name for themselves by overcoming adversity. Through fighting, they have built a lot of success, but now, they unconsciously create struggle even when it's not necessary. If things are too easy, they will self-sabotage. They rely on feeling valuable when they're fighting for success, rather than just allowing it.

Then there's the perfectionist. This is the person who has built a lot of success by making everything perfect and they believe if it's not perfect, then I'm not successful. They have built a reputation for excellence, avoiding mistakes, and maintaining a high standard of success. Let's look at how it holds you back. You procrastinate, you overthink. You struggle to launch anything because it's never good enough. You're afraid to take messy action, and therefore, you miss out on a lot of opportunities.

Then there's one that I used to be very familiar with, and thank God I am no longer, but I grew up with a mother who was very independent. She was very self-reliant, and I learned from her to be the lone wolf, meaning I have to do it all by myself. You pride yourself on being independent, and competent, and self-sufficient, and you've built success without relying on anyone, but let's look at how that holds you back.

You refuse to ask for help, which just leads to burnout and unnecessary struggle. You miss out on mentorship, partnerships, and collaborations that could help accelerate your growth. I think about my cousin, who, when she was starting her business, I watched her. She would ask anyone and everyone for help. She was not ashamed. If she needed help, she would come to you and she would ask.

I watched her build such a successful company, because she knew deep down that a success strategy of trying to do it all yourself was never going to work, ever. There's a lot of pride in it. I know I used to take a lot of pride in knowing I could do it all by myself. I didn't need help, which was such a lie. We all need help. When I put my pride aside and I was willing to hire coaches, I was willing to tell people, "Listen, this is not my area of expertise. I need your help. I don't know what I'm doing here," that is when my business took off.

Not only that, it's when I started enjoying life more, because life is hard when you think you have to do it all by yourself. Ask yourself, am I the lone wolf? Look at how it's really holding you back from next levels, because it is. You can only get so far by yourself.

Then there is the over-giver. They believe I must give to others before I deserve success. They've become known as the dependable, generous one. People have appreciated you, and it's felt so good to give until you realize that the reason why you're giving is simply coming from a place of scarcity and fear. This one's a tricky one, especially for those of us in business, because our job is to deliver value. We need to provide products and services that fulfill our brand promise.

You have to stop and check in with yourself to ask, how much of this is being given out of fear and a deep belief that I'm not good enough? If I give more, it will prove that I deserve this. You're going to be in such a cycle of over-giving, overextending yourself, being overly generous, and it's all coming from the wrong energy. I really do believe that the energy in which you do something is the experience of whatever that reaps. If I do things out of fear, even though it may appear that it's so generous, my experience of that is still going to be fear.

That's why we have to check in and ask, what do I really feel is right here? What do I want to give? What do I feel excited about giving? Then you enjoy the giving. It's something you really do enjoy. I think for those of us who are generous, for the most part, we love giving. We love being generous. We love over-delivering. When it starts to come from that place of fear and scarcity, it's no longer enjoyable.

The way it holds you back is that you just give so much that there's nothing left for yourself. You struggle to receive help, or money, or success without guilt. You really need to work on believing that it's okay to receive. Not only is it okay, it is the beautiful flow of energy. The more success you have, the more you have to give. The more you have to give, the bigger your capacity is going to need to be to receive.

Some other success strategies that I've seen are the diplomat, and this is the person who believes that they succeed by keeping the peace. They've become very skilled at de-escalating conflicts, smoothing things over, ensuring harmony. This has really helped them build strong relationships and avoid confrontation. How it's holding them back is that they really struggle to assert themselves, to set boundaries, to make bold moves. Their fear of rocking the boat keeps them playing small.

Then there's the underdog, and they believe that they only succeed when they're underestimated. They thrive on proving people wrong and using doubt as motivation. Every win feels like a personal victory. How it holds them back is they unconsciously create obstacles to keep them feeling like they have something to prove. They struggle to step into ease and confidence.

Then there's the martyr. They believe they succeed by sacrificing themselves for others. They have gained love, and attention, and admiration, and validation by putting others first, even at their own expense, but they feel burnt out, underappreciated, and struggle with resentment. Their needs always come last, making it difficult to pursue their own dreams.

Then there is the risk-averse person. They have created success by playing it safe. They have avoided failure, embarrassment, and loss by sticking to what was certain and predictable. Think about it: the things that you want and don't yet have are going to require a certain amount of risk. If you stay in your comfort zone for too long and you miss out on major opportunities, it just reconfirms growth is scary. It's scary to change. I'm going to stay right where I am. You got to break up with your risk aversion.

There's also the intellectual. I succeed by being the smartest person in the room. They have gained respect and influence by knowing more than everyone else. Their intelligence has made them valuable, but how this may be holding these people back is that they struggle with perfectionism, and imposter syndrome, and fear of looking wrong or not intelligent, and so they hold themselves back. They may avoid taking action because they always feel like they need more knowledge first.

Then we have the fixer. They believe that they succeed by solving problems for others. It causes them to feel very valuable by always having solutions and being the go-to person for everyone's problems. Oftentimes, these people take on too much responsibility, and they enable others instead of empowering them. Their own needs get pushed aside. They are the go-to person for every single problem, so they always feel like they're putting out fires. Because of that, they're not able to grow beyond the fire mindset, but they believe they have to fix everything to be valuable.

Then there is the validator, and this is the person that believes that they succeed by getting approval. They have achieved success by earning praise, and likes, and recognition. This external validation has motivated them, but they actually feel empty without the applause. Their confidence is very fragile, because it depends on other people's opinions.

Then we have the rebel. This is a person who, their success has been a result of them going against the grain. They stood out by rejecting the norm. They have broken the rules, they have challenged authority, and this has made them innovative and independent. If you look at how this may hold them back, they may resist structure, authority, or proven methods, even when it would serve them well. Their need to be different can keep them from scaling or sustaining success.

Listen, there are so many other more success strategies. We have all created our own unique one based on our past, based our experience, based on what's worked. Usually when things work, we just keep doing it. I even think worry, the worrier could be a success strategy. The reason I say that is most of the things that we worry about never, ever happen. When you worry and something works out, you associate it working out because you worried.

Now, you think that is a success strategy. I need to worry about this in order for this to work out. Think about how that holds you back. First of all, it's hard to enjoy life when you're worrying about every little thing, when you're worried constantly about whether it's going to work out or not, or if people are going to like you or not, or are you going to be safe or not? That is just not a good existence. It's not a quality life. Yet when you have had success and you have attached a worry to it, it can become that strategy that you continue to use, and it will hold you back.

When you're worrying, you're not as creative. When you're worried, you're playing it safe. When you're worried, you are exhausting your body. All of those things just keep you from going to the next level. What I know to be true, my friends, is that no matter what you want, chances are you're going to have to develop a completely new success strategy to get it, which means you're going to have to burn the one you currently have down.

That is an extremely scary thing to do, because it has been so helpful. It has helped you create results. It has helped you get what you want, but it's also going to be the very thing that keeps you from getting what you want in the future. How do you break up with your success strategy? How do you burn it down? Well, the first thing you have to do is you have to have awareness of it. You need to identify your dominant success strategy. Here's some questions you can ask yourself.

What beliefs do you hold about success? What do you fear will happen if you stop using your strategy? What have you had to do and who have you had to be to create the success that you currently have? The next thing you have to do is you have to challenge the narrative. Is this strategy actually the only way to be successful? I want you to look for evidence of people who thrive with a different success strategy.

For example, you don't have to hustle 24/7 to be successful. Many leaders have spacious, ease-filled lives, but if you think that hustle is required, your reticular activating system, that part of your brain that's always sifting through all of the information, the world is constantly going to feed you evidence of this is how it is done. When you tell your brain, "I want examples of people who have built amazing businesses and still have lives that they enjoy," your brain will start looking for that and will serve that to you.

Maybe for you, it's around, let's just say weight loss. Maybe you believe you have to hustle, and struggle, and work so hard to lose weight. Could it be true that there is a different approach that has more ease, more pleasure, more fun? Ask your brain to look for what you want to see for a new success strategy. Then finally, you have to experiment with a new approach. If you're a hustler, take a day off and observe what happens.

If you're a people pleaser, practice saying no to something and just sit with it. Don't change your mind. If you're a chameleon, practice showing up and speaking your truth. Practice showing up and really embodying who you truly are in a place that you would normally be tempted to adapt, and just watch what shifts. Most of our success strategies are built from fear. They're built from lack and scarcity of not enough-ness. I want to invite all of us to consider success strategies that are fun, expansive, and full of ease.

To me, that is the ultimate success when you're having fun in life, where you feel expansive, where there's not so much resistance. Now, ease does not mean easy. I have a whole podcast episode on that. Whenever you are changing, whenever you are going after big goals, you are going to be hitting up against your own edges. There is going to be resistance, but the ease comes from not resisting that, from understanding, "Oh, yeah, this is part of the process. If I'm going from being a people pleaser to honoring myself, it is going to be uncomfortable because it's new."

The ease comes from recognizing that, and not resisting it, and allowing yourself to grow. A lot of our dis-ease is our own contraction to our growth, resisting our own growth, because inside, we know we're here to do more, to experience more, to be more, to be expansive, and we're fighting it. When you fight that day in and day out, it is exhausting. I think that's why a lot of people are feeling unfulfilled. I feel like that's why a lot of people are stressed out. I think that's why a lot of people are unhealthy is because they're resisting their own growth.

I have been doing a lot of visualization practices lately, and I did one recently for the community. As I was doing this, I just got this image, this vision of women just literally growing like flowers. I know this is so woo-woo and weird, but it was like they were planted in this beautiful, beautiful field, and they were just growing. They weren't fighting it. They were just allowing themselves to follow their desires, to follow their truth. I watched in this vision of how they were just stretching up and up towards the sky, they were growing.

I thought to myself, this is why I do this work, because I know the experience, you all, of resisting my own growth. I even to this day can find myself doing it. I'm like, "Oh, my God, this is going to be hard. This is going to be uncomfortable." To me, that's like letting a child run your life, that little scared part of you. Within all of us is also that higher self, that higher self that knows if you don't listen to this, if you don't listen to yourself, if you don't honor it, you are not going to have a fulfilling life.

That's the part of ourselves that we need to be listening to. What I know to be true is that that part of you has had to develop a new success strategy in order to go to the next level. Are you willing to burn down your current success strategy to see what's possible for you? I hope the answer is yes. I hope you are willing to experiment with new ways of being in the world. I say it many, many times, and it is very true: to create something you've never had, you're going to have to become someone you've never been.

Part of that becoming someone you've never been is trying on new success strategies. All right, my friends. Have a beautiful, beautiful week, and I look forward to seeing you on next week's episode. Cheers.