Guess what time it is. It is time for a French Kiss Life Soirée. Yes, I’m hosting one this week on how to embrace elegance in a chaotic world. You can go to frenchkisslife.com/elegance to RSVP and get all of the details. I can’t wait to see you there.
Bonjour, and welcome to The French Kiss Life Podcast, where personal development meets style. I’m Tonya Leigh, certified master life coach and the hostess of this party, where we explore how to live artfully and well. Each week, I’ll be sharing inspiring stories, practical tips, and timeless wisdom on how to elevate the quality of your everyday and celebrate along the way. Let’s dive into today’s episode.
Hey, beautiful friends. I have an exciting announcement. I am hosting a free soirée this week on how to embrace elegance in a chaotic world. You can go to frenchkisslife.com/elegance to RSVP and get all of the information.
But I was inspired to touch on this topic because I turned on my TV the other day, which was a terrible idea, and immediately, I saw two grownup adults screaming at each other. They had lost all sensibility. Even the news anchor could not control these two.
And I sat there watching it and I was thinking, this world needs more elegance. People who are being intentional who have a sense of class and sensibility and can have respectful discourse. Which is why I’m going to be teaching a class on this.
And here’s the thing; this can often happen in our own homes, in our families. I know. I’ve been there. I have been one of those that has been triggered and have just lost my mind. Thank goodness that doesn’t happen that often anymore.
Now, every once in a while, someone can get under my skin. But usually because of the tools that I now have, I can take a step back and really re-approach the situation with intention and purpose, instead of just reacting to whatever is happening in a conversation or in the world. And to me, that’s what elegance truly is.
If you look up the definition of elegance, it’s simplicity and effectiveness. Are you showing up in ways that are effective and as simple as possible to help you get the result that you want to get? That’s what we’re going to be talking about at my soirée. So, again, go to frenchkisslife.com/elegance to join us.
Now, in today’s episode, I want to talk about increasing your capacity. Now, as I talk about this topic, you will find that it can be increasing your capacity for many things. For some of you, it may be increasing your capacity for joy, increasing your capacity for love, increasing your capacity for wealth, increasing your capacity for productivity.
Every single one of us has this subconscious limit on what we allow into our lives. And when you start hitting up against that limit, the brain is going to freak out and it is going to do everything in its power to bring you back to your normal capacity.
So, let’s see if you can relate to this. For some of you, maybe it’s your capacity for joy. So, things will be going really well in your life and you’ll be feeling so much joy and all of a sudden you have a thought, “This is too good to be true. This isn’t going to last.” That is your brain trying to bring you back to your normal capacity.
Let’s think about love. Many people will choose a partner that fits into their love capacity. For some people, it’s going to be a lot of love that they’re allowing into their lives. For some people, it’s not that much love at all because they’re not used to receiving love. So, they may choose someone who ignores their needs, who doesn’t really show up in the relationship, who cheats on them, because that is what they have the capacity to hold.
Now, it doesn’t make sense because that’s not something that we consciously want for ourselves. But subconsciously, that is what we have been trained to hold and to experience in our lives. And our brain is always going to work to keep us at our comfort level.
I see this with wealth. I will see women come to work with me and they want to increase their income. They want to have more money. And they will hit up against a limit; their capacity.
And as soon as they do, I watch them do the craziest things. All of a sudden, they stop making offers or they go out and spend a bunch of money. They will do something subconsciously to bring them back to what their capacity for wealth is.
I also see this in productivity. Like, for me, there is a level of productivity that when I get to, I start hitting up against my limit. And that’s when I want to go and procrastinate. That’s when I want to go do other things. I want to go back to my normal capacity that is comfortable.
Now, in my brain, I am telling myself, like, I want to have the most productive day ever. But subconsciously, there is a level of productivity that I am comfortable with. And I’ve seen this in every area of my life.
But here’s the thing – and this is why so many people struggle with creating what it is that they want – is that they’re trying to take a lot of action to get the result in order to increase their capacity, but you must increase your capacity first.
For example, you can go on 365 dates this year because you’re telling yourself that you want to find your soulmate. But if you have a small cup with the word love on it, you will subconsciously sabotage finding the love of your life. And the same goes with money. The same goes with your wellbeing. The same goes with your level of joy, your happiness. Because your results are based on your capacity.
Another way to think about this exact same concept is to think about the thermostat in your house. It’s a regulatory mechanical system that keeps the temperature at a certain level. So, if your comfort is at 70 degrees, you set the thermostat to 70 degrees. And you can open up the doors and you can let a lot of cold air come in.
And for a moment, the house is a little confused and it’s a little uncomfortable for you. But eventually, the thermostat kicks on and it’s going to work really hard to get it back to 70 degrees because that’s what you have set it on.
And the same is true in our lives. We have a certain thermostat for our happiness, for our wealth, for our love, for our wellbeing, for our health. And subconsciously, that is what we’re going to work really hard to maintain, even if it’s not what we consciously want.
So, that means we have to change our subconscious programming to create results in our lives. We have to increase our capacity in whatever area that you want to create results in, in order to leave space and room for that thing in your life. It’s just like a cup. You have a small cup, it can only hold so much. So, if you want more of something, you’re going to have to have a bigger cup to hold that.
So, how do we increase our capacity? Well, the larger the capacity, the more courage you’re going to need. And here’s why. The bigger the capacity, the more discomfort. For example, if you’ve been used to being in a room at 70 degrees and that’s your comfort level, and all of a sudden you want to decrease it to 30 degrees, your body and your brain will freak out. So, it’s going to be very uncomfortable to increase your capacity, which is why a lot of people don’t do it.
In my course Modern Day Icon, I just filmed a whole new module on money and wealth. And we talk about this very topic in relationship to money, which by the way, did you know that the doors are open to enrollment? We just opened them. I am so excited because it’s a new and improved version where we just take the concepts to an even deeper level. If you want to join us, you can go to moderndayicon.com and you can find out all the information.
But I talk about specific things that we must do to get comfortable with wealth. Because if you’re not comfortable with wealth, you’re going to do everything in your power to keep it away from you.
I remember when I used to be so uncomfortable going into a designer store. It was like me dropping the temperature of my house down to 40 degrees, when I’ve been used to 70. And so, I had to get comfortable with wealth in order to have space for wealth, in order to have the capacity for wealth.
And this is what is required of you, no matter what it is that you want in your life. You have to have space for it. You have to have the capacity to have that thing, to be that person, to hold whatever it is that you want. If not, it’s just going to spill over.
Another way I like to think about it is there’s where you are now, which is your comfort zone. It’s your current capacity. And then, above you is where you want to be. There’s like another line above your current comfort zone that is, again, whatever it is that you want.
And what we often do is we leave our comfort zone and we start heading towards that thing that we desire. And as we’re heading towards it, we start to feel so much discomfort in our bodies because our brain is telling us crazy things like, “This is too good to be true. You don’t have what it takes. This isn’t going to work.”
And we believe it. We believe the thing that is just seeking to keep us in our comfort zone. It's like, "I'm going to give her every possible reason why she should go back to where she was.” So, if we listen to that and we go back to our comfort level, we never get to experience what it is that we want to experience. We never increase our capacity.
But if we have the courage to keep walking through that discomfort and feeling it and working through all of the beliefs that tell us it’s too good to be true and it’s not possible, eventually you get to a new normal, a new capacity. And then that becomes your new thermostat. That is what you’re comfortable at. You will not accept anything else.
And then, if you’re like me, and most women in this community, you’re going to have a new goal that’s going to require that you increase your capacity again. And every time you do it, at every level, what you’re going to hit up against is all the discomfort that comes from increasing your capacity. So, it makes sense.
But if you want to in-crease your capacity for whatever it is, you’re going to have to get really good at feeling discomfort. And that is the number one reason why most people don’t create what they want. They’re unwilling to feel the discomfort of change. They’re unwilling to feel the discomfort of increasing their capacity.
So, they sit in their houses with the thermostat set on 70, very comfortable. But it’s not exhilarating. It’s not fulfilling. It’s not a life that, for me personally, my 90-year-old self will be thanking me for. She is like, “Girl, get off of the sofa, walk over to the thermostat, and increase it. And sit there and feel the discomfort of that until it becomes your new norm.”
So, I’m curious, where in your life do you have a low capacity? And you can simply look to, what are things that you’re wanting to create in your life? And look at your current capacity, and then imagine what the capacity is of the woman who’s created that. And then, it just boils down to you being willing to feel the discomfort of increasing your capacity.
It is time for a J’adore, the part of the show where I get to share something that I love with you. Now, typically, in my J’adores, I am sharing everyone else’s creations. But today, I’m going to share my own. I want to talk with you about my classic program Modern Day Icon.
This program is for the woman who wants to create herself on purpose and increase her capacity for whatever it is that she desires. Now, some of you may think, “But, Tonya, shouldn’t we just be who we are?” And I’ve always had a problem with that statement.
I remember being in Paris and just looking around at the art, the creativity, and how we’re able to create things that don’t yet exist without imagination. And yet, when I looked at my life back then, I wasn’t really applying that same principle to my own life.
I did have a belief that I was just who I was and I didn’t have a say-so about it. But that’s not true at all. Who you’re being right now is probably a combination of all of the things that you’ve been told you should be by your parents, by maybe religion, maybe by society.
And there are probably many parts of yourself that you would not choose for yourself if you really knew you had a choice. But I’m here to tell you that you do. Now, there may be parts of yourself that you love. And those are the parts that I want you to keep and grow.
But you may find that there are parts of yourself that’s holding you back, the part of yourself that procrastinates, the part of yourself that isn’t comfortable with money or wealth, the part of yourself that is constantly pushing love away, the part of yourself that tells you that you’re not enough, the part of yourself that tells you that you’re broken and you need to fix yourself.
Modern Day Icons, we know we’re not broken. We are beautiful masterpieces and we get to create ourselves. And the thing is, the who you want to be, I believe, is who you truly are. And in Modern Day Icon, we figure out what that is and then I teach you the traits and the skills and the concepts to help you become her, one thought, one feeling, and one action at a time.
Here’s what one of my students Wendy had to say about Modern Day Icon, “MDI is one of a kind. Four years later, I still revisit the content and what stands out the most is how much I’ve changed because of what I learned. This is the program that I credit for increasing my ability to make money, completely make over my style, and to learn what it means to enjoy my life while reaching my goals. Tonya has a way of teaching you about the process of change that actually makes you excited to do it. I’m still evolving and I hope I never stop.”
And that’s what it means to be a Modern Day Icon. We are constantly increasing our capacity, constantly evolving, and constantly having a blast doing it. And, here’s the other thing; I just made over the whole program. I’ve added new content, new tools, new concepts that have helped me over the last six years since I created Modern Day Icon. So, I’m so excited for her debut to the world.
And that’s not the only thing. For a limited time, you can purchase Modern Day Icon at 50% off. It’s crazy how much value you get at such a discount. So, if you want to become a Modern Day Icon, which I highly recommend, head over to moderndayicon.com and I can’t wait to see you inside the program.
Have a beautiful week, everyone. I’ll see you in the next episode. Cheers.
If you enjoyed this episode and you want to dive even deeper into the French Kiss Lifestyle, let’s start with a makeover; a mindset makeover. You can download my free training, The Three Mindset Makeovers Every Woman Needs, by visiting frenchkisslife.com/mindset. Because, after all, mindset is the new black.