My Love Story: The Self-Image Shifts That Led to My Engagement

Have you ever wondered why some relationships feel effortless while others feel like a constant challenge? You see, the way we experience love starts with the way we see ourselves, the way we value ourselves. So in this episode, I'm sharing my love story. More specifically, I'm sharing the self-image shifts that I had to make to attract a love that feels easy, joyful, and deeply fulfilling. So let's dive in.

Welcome to the School of Self-Image, where personal development meets style. Here's your hostess, Master Life Coach, Tonya Leigh.

Hello, my beautiful friends. How are you doing? I wish you could see me right now. I have this face mask on and it's making it a little strange to talk, but I'm practicing habit stacking. So while I record my podcast, I want to wear my face mask so I can kill two birds with one stone. All right, today I am talking about my love story, specifically the self-image shifts that led to my engagement. One of the questions that I often get asked from members usually is, "How did you meet your man? Tell us about it." And so I thought I would just do a podcast on it because I love talking about love. And I just want to preface this with saying that in no way do I think I am a quote, unquote, "relationship expert".

What I am is a student of myself, and I have this ability, which we all have, to look back at our lives and look at why we attracted certain people and the lessons that we learned from different relationships and continually applying that to the next relationship and the next one. And this can be friendships, it can be the relationship with your children, it can be romantic relationships, but relationships just mirror so much back to ourselves. And so I was thinking about my relationship with my man, who I'm engaged to. And I know they say never say never, but I deeply believe in my heart that this is the love of my life, truly. And I was thinking the other day, we were sitting in my living room playing Backgammon, which we do literally every day. And we were having a conversation while we were playing.

And I thought about how the conversation was so different than conversations in previous relationships, because, and we'll get to this, maybe I'll hold this part for later, but it just made me think about my love story with him. And it's really about my love story with myself. It's about how I changed to attract this man into my life and why I'm so happy and so content and so full of love for him. It really is a reflection of the work that I've done for myself. And so I think it's best if we start this conversation out with what I'm calling part one, which is the attraction stage.

Now, before I start talking about this, I want you to understand that these principles apply to any type of relationship that you want to attract because we are always going to be attracting certain types of people into our lives based on our internal world. And so for me, this started after I left a long-term relationship and I really did a lot of deep inner work. Looking at why I left, looking at how I had denied myself for so long of my values and some things that were really important to me, I compromised a lot and I didn't feel like it was being reciprocated. Now I just want to say, he was an amazing man. I enjoyed our time together. I don't regret it at all, at all. This has nothing to do with him. This has everything to do with me. And so when I let that relationship, I was alone for the first time in my adult life.

I got married first time when I was 18, I had my daughter when I was 22. So I found myself being alone, and I made a conscious decision that I wanted to use that alone time to really get to know me, to enjoy my own company, to figure out what I loved, what I wanted to listen to, what kind of movies I wanted to watch, what I was excited about. It was just such a fun time, and I really embraced that time alone. Now, I'm not going to lie and say there weren't nights of tears, because there was also a lot of healing happening. There was a lot of things that I was looking at within myself that I had repressed and not dealt with. But it was such a beautiful time, because we have to be willing to look at the things that we're afraid to look at in order to grow and evolve. We have to be willing to feel that discomfort.

And so I just stepped fully into it. I remember one night in particular in my apartment, I put this song on by London Grammar. I don't know if you've ever heard of them, they have beautiful music. And I blasted it in my house and literally cried for three hours. And it was the most beautiful moment. It's a moment I'll never forget. I just allowed myself to cry and to grieve and to feel all of the feelings because I knew that if I didn't deal with that, I was just going to keep attracting more of the same. So during that time, I was also having so much fun. I was having my closest friends come over. It was during COVID, so it was a weird time as well. But I was having my closest friends come over. I was having dinner parties, I was just enjoying my life, and I was truly in love with my life at that time.

I had built a life and a business that I actually loved waking up to and working on, and I had grown to be the kind of woman that I admired, which is very important for all of us. During that time too, because I was living in an apartment, we had a gym downstairs, and so I was really focused on self-care and taking care of myself and working out, and I was feeling good physically and emotionally. So then fast-forward, it's time to start dating. And it was at this time, you all, that I realized I had never really dated. When you get married at 18 and you have your child when you're 22, and then when that relationship ended, I realized that the next one was just someone who was in my life that I had grown very close to.

There was no dating, there was no putting myself out there and getting rejected and having all of these conversations and putting yourself in awkward situations where you're like, "Oh God, I don't want to be with this person. How do I get out of it?" I had never done any of that. And so I was actually excited. I was really excited to do something that most people do in their teens and 20s. It was something that I was finally getting to do in my 40s. And I remember really thinking about how I wanted my dating experiences to go. And I realized early on, there were a couple of things that I decided. Number one, I wanted to enjoy dating. So that meant that I had to not go into dating with the mindset of I've got to find a man and it's going to be terrible if I go on a date with the wrong person.

I just said, "You know what? These are all people who have interesting stories. I'm going to learn so much about myself. I'm going to really learn what I want in a person, what I don't want in a person." And it became this experiment that I actually embraced and thought it was super fun. And on top of that, it was during COVID. So it was an added challenge because everybody was really afraid, everybody was wearing masks. It was like, "How do we do this?" But I was just like, "I'm going to enjoy this experience." And so what that did is it allowed me to show up in a very unattached way. I didn't expect my dates to become my partners, I just expected them to be people that I could learn from, that I could enjoy, that I could have conversations with.

And because I entered into it in that way, I still look back, I'm like, "That was such a fun time. That was such a fun time of just getting to know people, pushing myself outside of my comfort zone, meeting interesting people, and learning very quickly what I wanted in a partner." Now, when I think about the self-image that that required, it really required that I was a whole woman, that I didn't think that some person was going to come along and come complete me. Instead, the right person would come along and complement me. And so it just allowed me to show up in this very, as I said, detached, non-desperate way, and just allow life to play out. I was open, but not attached. There was no rush, no timeline, no pressure. And I trusted that the right person would come when it was meant to happen. I didn't expect it to happen so quickly.

I joke with Fonz, I'm like, "I'm actually bummed that it happened so quickly because I was excited about dating." But when he came along, my dating era ended rather abruptly. I'm so grateful. Don't regret a thing. But the other thing that I did when I was dating, because I did it on the apps, and that was a whole different world than how people dated when I was growing up. You went to places and met people in person. You didn't put yourself on an app with a profile. But what I did do on my profile is I was very open and honest about what I was looking for. I didn't lead with a profile that was the energy of, "Pick me, pick me." It was a profile of, "Here's who I really am, and if you don't like this, I'm probably not going to be a good fit for you."

Equally, when I started dating people, I was very in tune with myself in a way that I'd never been before and I think it's because of all of those nights of crying and healing and also learning to love myself, learning to love my own company, learning to love my life. It just allowed me to show up on dates where I didn't have anything to prove, nothing. And so it allowed me to be very honest, to say things that maybe the old version of me who wanted approval would be so afraid to say because she might be rejected. I actually wanted to reject the wrong people. Maybe reject the wrong people is not the right word. I wanted the wrong people to reject me, because I didn't want to repeat patterns. I didn't want to get myself in a situation of me showing up in such a way that someone was falling in love with a version of me that was not sustainable, that eventually would create an issue.

So fast-forward, I was dating this one in Denver, and we really hit it off. He was super fun, very relaxed. I was actually really enjoying his company, and I also knew that I was going to date other people. I was going to see what was out there. In fact, I was excited not to commit to one person at that time because again, I wanted to give myself this experience of something I'd never done before. And I was very open with him about that, and he was cool with it, and we were just having fun. And so I go to LA with a friend and I get on Bumble, and I matched with several people and had some conversations, and I was supposed to go on a date with this one guy, but then this other guy comes along in my DMs after I reached out to him, because that's the beautiful thing with Bumble is that the women get to make the first move.

And so I had reached out to him and he responded, and immediately I knew, this man is different. He captivated me in a way that I've never been captivated before. His conversations was much deeper. I could tell this is a real man who's not into trying to please me. He's not into trying to look a certain way. He just showed up very authentically from the get-go. And so we talked for a few days because he actually wasn't in LA, he was in San Francisco, but he lived in LA. And so he was like, "I'm coming down. I'm going to take you out." And so he pulled up at the hotel that I was staying in, and I get in the car and immediately, I'm not kidding, I was like, "Oh my God, this is such a beautiful man in all of the ways." Just his aura was so captivating to me.

And so he gets out of the car, he opens the door, I get in, and he takes me up to this beautiful restaurant in the Santa Monica hills. But in the meantime, it's dark and he gets lost. And he said one of the things he appreciated about me is that I didn't freak out. He was like, "You were just meeting me. I'm surprised that you weren't afraid." But my intuition was, "I'm safe with this man." We had been having such in-depth conversations for three days. I could not stop talking to him. We were spending hours on the phone together. And I just knew. I just knew. I'm like, "I am safe with this man." And so we went to this beautiful restaurant and had some of the deepest conversations. And it was in that moment that I thought to myself, "I could fall for this man. I really could. And so I am going to tell him everything that I think may scare him away because I want to get it out now."

And so I started talking. I had never done this before, but I started sharing things that I was like, "For sure this man is going to leave." And I did it on purpose, because my whole life, you all, I have been so used to holding back and not sharing who I really am, not being truthful about who I really am because I was so afraid of rejection being left. And so I had done so much work on myself. I'm like, "No, I'm not doing that ever again. I'm not going to abandon me to get someone else's approval, even if it's this beautiful man in front of me that I so badly want him to like me, I'm not doing it. It never leads to a good outcome."

And I also entered that date with, "Do I really like him?" Not, "Does he like me?" But, "Do I really like him?" And the craziest thing happened, you all, it had the opposite effect of what I was afraid it was going to have. It made him fall in love with me, because we were very similar in that way. We wanted realness, we wanted rawness, we wanted truth, we wanted authenticity. And that had been lacking in his previous relationships, it definitely had been lacking in mine. And so the fact that I showed up in such a way was very compelling to him, and it allowed him to open up in this really, really beautiful way. So the next thing I noticed is that I didn't want to date anyone else. In fact, the universe works in very miraculous ways, because I was scheduled to go on a date with a guy I'd been dating in Denver when I returned.

And I remember telling my friend, "I just don't want to go on this date with him. I just don't." And it was no time, he called me and told me he had COVID. So our date was canceled, never saw him again. So when I think about the attraction stage, I take away this. I wasn't out there searching for love, I was fully immersed in a life that felt joyful and fulfilling, and I was practicing loving myself in a way that I had never done before. And that's when love showed up, not as something to fix or complete me, but as something that was a complement, an enhancement to the life I already had. So I clearly had attracted this man into my life. And now we move into what I'm calling part two of my love story, the partnership stage. Because attraction is one thing, but building a healthy loving relationship is another.

And I chose a love that felt right in every way. A relationship that I'm excited to wake up and build upon. And so when I think about the shifts that have allowed me to experience this deep aligned love, the first thing is I pick someone who was so fun and is so fun and easy to love. I think this relationship is showing me that love doesn't have to be hard or dramatic or full of struggle. I chose someone whose presence felt like home, light, joyful, and just natural. I can just be me and he can be him. And that's the other thing, he lets me be me and I let him be him. I think this is the first time I've had a relationship where I'm not wishing that the other person was different, because that was my pattern in the past. And it's because in some way I thought them being different would make my life easier, would give me something that I didn't realize I could give to myself.

And so there was always these hidden expectations that really can tear down a relationship. But with him, I wanted it to be different. And I knew that in order for it to be different, I had to let him be him. I needed to go into this with the idea of, if this man never changes, if this is who he is for the rest of our lives, will I be okay with that? And the answer was, yes, I would. And the beauty is he lets me be me. We don't agree on everything, and that's okay. I'm not trying to change him, and he's not trying to change me. I just get to love him. And that's what I view him as is just someone to love. I just get to take all of this love that's inside me and place it onto him. And what's so interesting is that that energy causes him to love me in a way I've never been loved before.

And that leads me to the next point. I used to believe that I wanted to be loved in the Hollywood rom-com kind of way. Someone who buys me flowers and fancy gifts, who whisk me off to elaborate vacations. And the reality is, in the moments that I've had that in the past, it didn't quite equate to deep love, the kind of love of being with someone who just being in their presence brings out the best part of you. That you love who you're being when you're with them. Fonz is not one to buy me a lot of things. He's not even one to give me constant words of affirmation. Instead, he calls me out when he sees me playing small. He questions my motives and causes me to go deeper within myself and really look at some things that maybe quite honestly, I didn't want to look at, but I know I'm safe in looking at those things with him by my side.

His love is steady, strong, and unwavering. His love is a beautiful, masculine love. Strong, yet soft. He leads, but never dominates. He calls me out when he sees me diminishing myself, but only in a way that reminds me of my own greatness. It's never in a demeaning way. It's always the spirit of like, "Hey, remember who you are. Why are you showing up like this right now?" He holds me accountable to the commitments that I've made to myself. And when I stumble, he catches me. And I realized the other day I was trying to reconcile in my brain why did I call in that kind of love? Because we often hear about the law of attraction, which like attracts like. And in many ways, Fonz and I are alike. We vibe at the same energy, but it looks completely different. And his strengths are my weaknesses, and my weaknesses are his strengths.

And I realized it comes down to a different law, the law of complements. This universal law states that we attract what complements us, not necessarily what is identical to us. The love I attracted wasn't about finding someone exactly like me, but rather someone who balanced and enhanced my strengths. Someone who challenged my blind spots and expanded my vision. And I'll tell you, his grounded and encouraging leadership and our relationship complements my drive and ambition. His calm, no matter what's going on around him, complements my tendency to be anxious. And I think what really happened is that I held the self-image that I wanted to step into. And the law of complements attracted someone that would help me step into that. I realized the other day, I love who I am in this relationship. Being with him doesn't make me shrink. It doesn't make me overthink or feel like I have to prove myself.

Being with him, I'm not questioning myself. Instead, I just feel more confident, more relaxed, more fully myself, which lets me know that this is the right person for me. Now, we've been together for almost five years. We've been engaged for three. And the question that we are always asked is, "When are you going to get married?" And that's the other beautiful thing. We're neither in a rush. We are just enjoying choosing each other every day. And it's not about fairy tales or grand gestures. It's about the small moments, the laughter and the ease of simply being together. And I just want to say one of the things that I love about Fonz is that I feel like his purpose in our relationship is to help me see myself the way he sees me. And it's also to make my life easier every day. He's always asking, "What do you need from me today? How can I support you today?"

I have attracted someone into my life who truly wants the best for me, and I want the best for him. We challenge each other in the best of ways. I'm equally holding up a vision of him that maybe he doesn't yet see for him himself. And to me, that is the most beautiful, pure form of love. No matter if it's in a friendship with your child or any relationship that you find yourself in. When you want more for that person than maybe they can think that they can have for themselves, and you're constantly holding that vision for them, that's when your life can expand beyond your wildest imagination. So yeah, this love feels different from any I've ever experienced before, but not because of luck, not because I finally found the one, but because I'm different.

You see, every relationship has taught me something, but it wasn't until I fully embraced who I was, what I wanted, and what I deserved, that I attracted a love that felt this aligned, this expansive, this fulfilling. And the biggest lesson, well, your love story doesn't begin with someone else enters into your life. It begins the moment you decide to love yourself deeply, unapologetically, and completely. So if you're seeking love or even wondering why love hasn't looked the way you wanted it to in the past, I want you to ask yourself a few things. Are you embodying the love that you want to receive? Are you treating yourself the way you hope a partner will treat you? Are you creating a life you truly love before expecting someone else to step into it? And are you open to a love that complements and expands you rather than mirrors you? And that kind of love can be uncomfortable?

It's that tough love that maybe in the moment you don't want to hear. Maybe in that moment it doesn't feel all cozy and rosy and daisy. Cozy, rosy and daisy, that's going to be my new saying. But it's the kind of love that will grow you. It's the kind of love that is steadfast and deep. Here's what I've learned about love. It's not about chasing. It's not about proving or convincing. It's about being, being so deeply in love with your life, with yourself that the right person can't help but to be drawn to you. And when that person arrives, love isn't something you grasp for. It's something you simply step into and cultivate more of. And that's the kind of love I wish for you. Have a beautiful, beautiful week my friends, and I'll see you on next week's episode.