How to Belong

Have you ever walked into a room and felt like you didn't belong like somehow everyone else got the secret memo on how to fit in, but you missed it? Yeah. We've all been there. And today, I'm going to unpack what it really means to belong, not just in a room but in your own life. So get ready to challenge your assumptions about belonging and discover how to cultivate a deep sense of acceptance starting with yourself. Let's dive in.

Welcome to the School of Self-Image, where personal development meets style. Here's your hostess, Master Life Coach Tonya Leigh.

Hello, friends. How are you doing? I just got back from a week in California. Part of it was visiting family and friends, and then the other part was we had our second SOSI tour stop in LA. and I just have to say, getting together with this community in person is so fun. I mean, we have such an incredible online community, but when you put us all in the same room together with a good DJ and a glass of wine or a mocktail and good conversation, it's like this is the essence of what we are all about. Women celebrating each other, sharing, and supporting, it's such a beautiful and fun thing, and it really inspired today's podcast topic, which is how to belong. Have you ever had that feeling of walking into a room and suddenly feeling like you're back in middle school, desperately hoping that someone will talk to you, desperately hoping that you'll fit in, or maybe you're in a group and you're sure everyone else got the memo on how to act and behave, but somehow you missed it? Yeah. Me too. We've all been there.

It's what inspired me to create the program that's a part of the membership called Charm the Room because for years, I suffered from social anxiety. In fact, I've told this story before, so if you're hearing it for the second or third time, just bear with me because I know some of you haven't heard this story. But I remember in my 20s going to this fancy country club party and I had decided that this was the night I was going to wear white. You'll learn in a minute why that was a terrible decision, but I remember just the anxiety that I felt in my body being in this room full of strangers. Somehow I got into this small group and they started to ask me questions and I got so nervous that I quickly excused myself to go to the bathroom, and I turned around and I ran into one of the waiters who happened to be carrying a tray of meatballs. And you can guess where the meatballs went, all over my white dress.

And it was that day that I realized like, "Listen, Tonya, you are forever, as long as you are a part of this world, going to be interacting with people." And I just knew that this is not how I want to feel. I want to feel confident and secure and connected to people, not feel like people were objects that I needed to run from. And at the heart of it, I didn't feel like I belonged. I didn't feel like I fit in. So naturally, going into a room with that thought, with that energy kept proving to myself over and over that I didn't belong because I removed myself from the belonging. And I want to talk about what that looks like and why that is.

Belonging isn't just about feeling comfortable at parties or in boardrooms. It's actually about something so much deeper and more important. So why does it matter so much? Well, we as humans, we are wired for connection. If you think about it, way back in the caveman days, we needed each other to literally survive. So this isn't just a nice-to-have. It's a need-to-have. Studies have shown that people who have community have a better sense of well-being. Your stress levels are reduced. You feel more connected. You feel like you have support. So belonging impacts everything, our mental health, our confidence, even our physical well-being. But here's the thing, most of us have the completely wrong idea about what belonging really means. We think it's about fitting in and morphing ourselves to please others about being normal, whatever that means.

We think it's about saying the right things, doing the right things. And I want to tell you that is not what true belonging really is. What it is about being authentic and unapologetically you. It's about showing up as your full self and connecting with others from that place of security and confidence and authenticity. It's why I remember early on, I took etiquette classes, and etiquette classes taught me some really good skills. It taught me how to hold a knife and a fork. It taught me how to follow certain protocols, but it didn't solve for the deeper problem. The deeper problem was insecurity. The deeper problem was a collection of thoughts that perpetually told me that I wasn't good enough, and no amount of etiquette classes could solve for that problem. So my journey to belong sent me on this wild path of self-discovery. At first, I did think it was about learning how to speak properly and how to walk into a room, but it was so much deeper. And the first thing that I learned is that you will never belong in a group of people if you don't first belong to yourself.

What does it mean to belong? Well, it means to be accepted, to be included, to be a part of something. So when you think about belonging to yourself, it means being acceptive of who you are and that means you have to know who you are. You have to know what you love. You have to know what you value. You have to know what's truly important to you. And more than anything, the acceptance is loving yourself no matter what. If you're not your own advocate, if you're not your own best friend, it is going to be very difficult to feel like you can belong anywhere because when you are not being a friend to yourself, when you are not belonging to yourself, what I know happens is that you show up in a room and you're desperately seeking that acceptance. You're desperately seeking that approval. And when you need that to feel safe and secure, chances are you're not showing up as your truest self. Belonging to yourself also means being honest with yourself.

One of the ladies that came to the SOSI tour shared in the group about how she walked into that very nervous and feeling like she didn't belong and how that affected her experience, but then she went on to share how she knew it was her and she knew this was the next level of growth for herself. And all I could think when I was reading that is like, "Girl, you're there." Having that level of honesty, I don't have anything to hide here. I can just show up and be me. I can share my weaknesses. I can share my strengths. I've got me. I can be vulnerable and know that I'm never going to turn on myself.

It's so interesting, that vulnerability. As much as we try to hide it and as much as we try to show up and act like we have it all together to pretend that we are this when we're actually that, when you show up in that fullness of who you are, that's what really creates connection and true belonging. I mean, have you ever been in a situation where the room's really uptight and suddenly someone in the room shares something out of left field that's completely raw, completely honest, completely vulnerable, and it's almost like everybody's like, "Ah, finally, we can just be human together. We don't have to keep pretending. We don't have to wear these masks." This one person and their courage to reveal who they really are gives everybody else permission in the room to do the same. That's where magic happens. That is where you really know you have reached that next level.

It's not about being perfect. It is not about showing up in a certain way. It's can you be present and accepting of all parts of you. And there are going to be amazing parts of you and they're going to be not so amazing parts of you? We often want to hide the not so amazing parts of us and only showcase what we think is the best parts of us, but the problem with that is we have all of it. Every human does. So when you're trying to hide a part of you, it makes it very difficult to belong, which is why you have to do the work of belonging to yourself, accepting yourself, accepting what you love, accepting your weaknesses, accepting your strengths. Because when you make peace with that, you show up in the world in a much more powerful way, and that's when you can create true belonging.

I think about Fonz, my guy. He has been my greatest teacher on this topic because he is a man who knows who he is, is very convicted in his beliefs, and would rather lose a friend than to be untrue to himself, which is hard for a lot of us because we love our friends. But if it requires him going against his own integrity, he would choose his integrity every day over choosing people outside of him, and what I have seen happen in his life is that the people that are around him is true community. They're not people that he has to pretend around. They're not people that he has to people please. He gets to just show up and be himself.

And part of that is that people will reject him, which is how you belong. How you create true belonging is you have to be willing to be rejected. But I want us to think about it in this way. We are rejecting what isn't a match for our truest, most authentic self. So people may reject you, but that's actually a good thing because if they accepted some fake version of you, you would forever have to put on this act, which is exhausting. I know. I've done it. But the way he operates in the world, he attracts the people that love him for him. He doesn't have to put on any airs, any graces, any acts. He is true to himself. He belongs to himself. But again, to do that, you will turn some people off. There will be people who reject you, and again, I want you to see that as a gift.

I don't remember where I heard it from, but years ago, I heard rejection is God's protection because if you think about it, if you attract something from an energy that's not truly you, think about that attraction years down the road. To keep it, you have to keep being something that feels misaligned and out of integrity for you. So if someone rejects you, just trust that you know what? Nothing wrong with me. Nothing wrong with them. We are just not a good match. I see business this way. I think our membership and our offerings are world-class. The value that you get for what we charge is incredible. And I see all of the amazing changes that are happening in women's lives, and still, there are women who reject it. I share the offer and they're like, "Nope. It's not for me." And that's actually a good thing because now, I can just show up and be me and know that the people and the women who are in our community, they are attracted to the true me.

Now, in my business, I'm not going to lie, there have been times where I have put on a facade. And a year into it, I'm like, "God, this is going to be really hard to keep up." It was a beautiful learning experience for me. And this has been a part of my journey of learning how to belong to myself because again, when you belong to yourself, that's the ultimate belonging. That's what we're all really after. And we also want to belong to the right people, the people who love us no matter what, the people who get us, the people who have shared values, the people that have maybe shared aspirations, the people that are an energetic match. That's who we want to belong to.

And it's really interesting. The women in the community, when they get together, the majority of them all have that sense of belonging and I've seen it time and time again. If there's a woman in that group that's not feeling it and we sense that, we go to her. We're like, "Listen, come over. Get in this conversation. You belong in this room." But if a woman walks into that room thinking she doesn't belong, she will prove that to herself time and time again.

I had a woman at a recent event who was sitting at the table by herself and I was like, "Oh, no, sister, I got to go talk to you." And it was really interesting, when I sat down to talk with her like, "Hey, how's it going? What's going on," she shared with me how she almost didn't come, how she was so nervous, how this was such a big step. And her sharing that, that vulnerability, made me feel more connected to her and we started talking about this very topic and how I've definitely been there. And it was like we started to have this mutual connection, and next thing I know, she's up talking to everyone. But she had to be her and get that out to know that that is the ultimate belonging.

Now, what else I want to say about this is that to create belonging, you need thoughts that nurture belonging. If you're walking around thinking, "They're not going to like me," or, "I don't belong here. I'm going to say the wrong thing. I'm going to embarrass myself. People are going to know I'm an imposter," those types of thoughts will make you feel insecure. They'll make you feel disconnected. If you're like me, they'll make you feel anxious. And I want you just to think about how you show up with groups of people when you are feeling those ways. You may do what I did and try to run out of the room. Go hide in the bathroom. You may find yourself being really quiet. You may find yourself talking a lot, trying to overcompensate. And those behaviors will ultimately prove to yourself, your original belief, which is, "I don't belong. I'm going to make a fool of myself," et cetera, et cetera. So belonging starts in the mind and it's hard to think thoughts of belonging if you're not accepting of yourself.

This is why this work is so deep and it's such a beautiful journey to go on. If you want to belong and to feel that sense of belonging, I encourage you to develop a belonging mindset. I remember Byron Katie one time saying something that was so powerful. She said anytime she walks into a room, she thinks to herself, "They love me. They just don't know it yet." Now, think about that. Think about walking into a room with that thought. These people love me. They just don't know it yet. I would imagine that you'd feel excited, that you would be curious, that you would be confident. And that would cause you to have conversations to get to know people, to look for love, not hate, and that would create a sense of belonging, starting with that one thought. They all love me here. They just don't know it yet.

I love believing I belong in any room I choose to enter because for years, you all, I would walk into places and feel like I didn't belong. An example is put me in a luxury store and immediately, I would think, "Oh, they're going to find me out. I don't belong here." I'm the customer, yet I was acting like they were doing me some big favor by paying attention to me. It's crazy now that I think about it. So I started to do this work even with luxurious environments and choosing to believe that I belong in any room, any store, any place I choose to enter. And that required, again, that I learned to belong to myself. But one of the thoughts that I've been playing around with lately, and I love this thought because it takes me out of me, it does what I call turn the camera out because most of the time when we are in groups of people, the camera is turned inward. We're thinking about, "What do they think of me? Do I look okay? Does this outfit look good?" It's all me, me, me focused.

I love the thought I create belonging. I create it. So when I walk into a room with this thought, I feel excited. I feel empowered. And what that causes me to do is to look at how can I create belonging here? Let me introduce Susie to Betty. Let me go over here and chat with this woman who's sitting by herself. Let me get a conversation going that we can all share and contribute to. I'm telling you that one thought has been so powerful in helping me to feel belonging. Instead of it being something that is granted to me, something that I have to win, something that I have to prove, something that I have to be good enough for, I go into it knowing I create it. I create belonging. I want you all to think about that.

If you truly believe that you created belonging, how would you feel the next time you're at a networking event? How would you feel the next time you are meeting up with a stranger for coffee? How would you feel the next time you are hanging out with some new friends? You would probably feel encouraged, excited, confident. And when you are in those feeling states, how do you show up with other people? And more importantly, how do you show up with yourself? I create belonging is where you take responsibility for your own sense of belonging, and when you do that, you find that you want to share that belonging and that feeling with other people. So instead of waiting for others to make you feel included, you actively contribute to creating a welcoming space for yourself and for others.

Now, I'm not going to sugarcoat it. Choosing to belong, to show up authentically, it involves risk. As I shared before, the risk of rejection, the risk of judgment. And that can be scary. But here's the thing, risking rejection is necessary for true belonging because if you're never risking rejection, it means you're not showing up as your true self. You become a chameleon. You do whatever it takes to fit in, at the sake of selling out your own integrity. You're showing up as how you think other people want you to. And trust me, pretending to be someone you're not, that's way more exhausting than dealing with a little rejection now and then.

So how do we build the resilience and the courage to take the risk? It starts with you remembering your inherent worth, reminding yourself that someone else's reaction to you is about them, not you. You could show up with one person and be rejected and then show up with another and be completely accepted. You're the same person dealing with two different people, so obviously it's not you. Obviously, it's the other person. And I think we can get into the blame game and judge people if we're rejected, but I just love to think, you know what? Nothing wrong with them. Nothing wrong with me. We're just not a good match. But when you get rejected, you need to practice self-compassion. When things don't go as planned, be very mindful not to beat yourself up and make it mean something, other than we're just not a good match. Too bad for them. They just don't realize they love me yet.

So how can you start cultivating the sense of belonging in your daily life? The first one is to practice being true. Share your real opinions, even if it's different from the group. Wear that outfit that feels like you, even if it's not what everyone else is wearing. Be true to what you want. Be unapologetic about it, even if it makes other people uncomfortable. Also, seek out communities that align with your values and interests. You'll find that it'll be so much easier to be in that energy of belonging when you know that you're around people who share similar values. This might be a book club or volunteering for an organization or an online group that has similar interests. The key is to find people who light you up. I think we go into rooms and we're like, "Do they like me?" And we need to be asking the question, do I like them? Do I enjoy being around them? But if you're always thinking about yourself, you're never asking yourself the question of, are these the people that I want to be around?

It's also important that you develop empathy and compassion for yourself and for others. We're all figuring this out together, you guys. Everyone is fighting their own battles. A little kindness goes a long way and that kindness has to start with you. Also, true belonging is going to require healthy boundaries. It doesn't mean saying yes to everything and to everyone. It's okay to say no to things that don't align with your values, your energy, or your needs. And then I find it's really beautiful to celebrate differences. Diversity actually makes life interesting. I know sometimes we may daydream about everybody being like ourselves, but think about what a boring world that would be. There would be nothing to react to. It would be a very monochromatic existence. So embrace what makes you unique and appreciate the uniqueness in others.

So I want you to remember this. You belong, not because of what you do, or what you achieve, or what you have, or what kind of car you drive, or what kind of house you live in, or what kind of labels are on your clothes, or how well you fit in. You belong because you exist. You are a vital part of this human tapestry, and the world needs your unique thread that only you have. So true belonging starts with you accepting yourself exactly as you are. It's about showing up authentically and creating space for others to do the same.

So this week, I want to challenge you to practice one thing that we've talked about today. Maybe it's you cultivating one belonging thought that you will carry with you throughout your day. And again, I love the thought I create belonging. Maybe it's you sharing something authentically and maybe even a little vulnerable with a friend or maybe it's attending an event, stepping outside of your comfort zone, so that you can find those people with like interests and like values. Whatever it is, I'd love to hear about it. You can go over to Instagram. Find me @tonyaleigh and share with me. Is this something that you've struggled with and what was your biggest takeaway from today's episode? I read every message that comes in. I would love to read yours. And remember, you've got this. Again, you belong and you're making the world a better place just by being you. Have a beautiful week, my friends, and I'll see you on the next episode.